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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotionally and physically shut off DP

9 replies

fruitandnutchoc · 10/02/2018 17:59

From my perspective he is not hugely affectionate (will kiss hi and bye and will hold hands, but not hugely cuddly and not a "snogger" for want of a better word unless having sex), not got a high sex drive and doesn't really let loose in bed (I initiate mostly as I have a higher sex drive, and I feel like he's very 'controlled' when DTD as though he finds anything else embarassing perhaps?), he's not one for compliments, not one for saying I love you etc. As a result, wrongly or rightly I don't feel like he's 'crazy' about me like I am for him, in fact I find it very cold. He says it's just how he is, he doesn't feel a need to be mega affectionate, that it's how his parent's were but that he does love me, is attracted to me etc.

I've read the 5 love languages thing so I know that clearly it's just that what I need isn't what he needs. I know in my heart of hearts he won't change and shouldn't have to if he doesn't want to either.

So why do I find this so hard to leave and tell myself that I should accept it as everything else is fantastic (he's very reliable, loyal, always there for me etc. and we get on very very well) and that this is just one sacrifice to make? I feel like a huge chunk of what a relationship should be, for me, aka intimacy and touch, is lacking but then I tell myself maybe I should concentrate on what IS good.

OP posts:
Confusad · 10/02/2018 18:09

I know the feeling, our marriage lacks any form of intimacy. We’ve had a rough few years after our ds was born and now it just feels like there’s nothing left. But I feel too selfish to just end it because I want to feel wanted. :(

fruitandnutchoc · 10/02/2018 18:19

That's exactly how I feel confused, like I'm being selfish. It's an inner battle. Sorry to hear about your marriage. X

OP posts:
Confusad · 10/02/2018 18:24

I go through stages of feeling ok and then it will hit me again how sad I am about it all. How long have you been together?

DragonNoodleCake · 10/02/2018 18:36

I don't know the answer - I'm in exactly the same place, including the guilt for wanting more.

SpottyGecko · 10/02/2018 18:44

I can echo what you've all said.

I feel lonely a lot of the time.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2018 20:45

I think if you aren't married...you shouldn't get married....it's easier to walk away.

You need to ask if you can live like this for another 5/10/20 years or more.

Sometimes you can get what's missing from your relationship eleswhere....like I talk to and generally use my Dsis for certain emotional support... when things like intimacy are missing... it can make you vulnerable to seek it outside of the relationship.

Thinkingofausername1 · 10/02/2018 20:52

It's funny. I read threads like this and I think. No wonder people have affairs. Then I see a thread of someone who's been cheated on and think why didn't they just leave first? Or sort the issue.

calmandbright · 10/02/2018 21:11

I was in a relationship like this for a couple of years. Boy am I glad I finally ended it! Met someone who (seems to!) adore me now, can’t keep his hands off me, and me off him, sex is amazing! Liberated, uninhibited and satisfying. No way would I ever settle for less now - touch, affection and showing attraction is too valuable to do without. I’m a million times happier!

BackInTheRoom · 11/02/2018 09:42

Check your partners are using porn. Mine was and I'm convinced it affected our sex life. They'd rather pleasure themselves because they don't have to bother with intimacy or awkwardness.Hmm

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