Dwelling on past, going crazy

[Rihanna89]

Hello I'll try keep it brief,

Me and OH met in complicated situation. Had a secret long distance office romance so to speak and I was aware he was also meeting with another girl from work.

He assured me he had never DTD with this girl and had no intentions of doing so. In fact he was trying to fizzle it off slowly as to not make things awkward at work.

One time we were due to meet he had to go see her first and would get away as quickly as quickly as possible to then meet me. Which he did.

What he didn't tell me was that he had DTD with her then 10 minutes later done the same with me. In fact I only found this out one year later by which time we were out in the open with our relationship and I had moved country to be with him. I found out while he was as away with work and we have only ever discussed this via text (I am crap at heart to hearts) I honestly felt like everything was built on lies.

OH is only the second person I've ever DTD with so perhaps I was very naive going into things.

Fast forward 2 years and we have a house and 3 mo baby together, things are great but this event has ruined by self esteem and I can't stop thinking about it, I think about it literally every day.

How can I stop this from eating away at me? OH has no idea I still think of it. I feel disgusting and it makes me feel sick.

I really don't think talking to OH would help. Or maybe that's where Ive gone wrong.

Please no nasty comments

Rihanna89 it sounds like internalising your feelings is not doing you any good at all, perhaps you could mention to your doctor or health visitor and see if you could have some counselling to talk it through with somebody. Also as you have not long had the baby, you could have some post natal depression. Perhaps mention to your OH that you've been feeling a bit anxious about the past situation and sound him out to see if he is willing to talk about it - perhaps through couples therapy so it is handled professionally, hopefully reducing any risk of you and he falling out over it now. It is not the greatest way to embark on a relationship but you made your choice. Don't be too hard on yourself. You have given birth to a beautiful child, given your OH the greatest gift he can have. Remind yourself of all the qualities you have and that he is very lucky to have you. Don't be hard on yourself. xx

You need to talk to him and air out the cupboard, as it were.

This type of resentment only gets worse and more severe and you will start to hate him but feel helpless to leave.

Talk it out.

I will add that this conversation and going forward might mean you will separate or work on things but neither of those can be achieved with you sitting silently seething. Bitterness turns into hatred and contempt.

@Rihanna89

Your DP doesn't share the same qualities as me and I'd find this situation difficult to live with too tbh. He concealed the truth. Not a good trait tbh.

Thing is, you sound like a conflict avoider and he sounds like one too? So how can you tackle relationship issues going forward?

@Bibbidee Thank you, i would never dream of doing what he did it is against all my morals and I have more self respect. But unknowingly it was done to me.

You are right about conflict avoidance, but I feel like I've left it so long what good will it do dredging it up.

I'm considering some counselling to improve my self esteem. I think this issue combined with my post baby body hang ups and recovery from an episiotomy (sex is still painful) is just making me feel like a complete failure

Does he mention other women at work to you? So for instance 'so and so did this today' 'so and so is having problem with their partner'?

@Bibbidee No not really to be honest, he has changed a lot since we got together. He had a reputation for being a charmer before but seems very happy with our life now.

Has also changed jobs since we met