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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Splitting from dp (in laws to be from hell)

25 replies

TrappedAndLost · 10/02/2018 01:25

Posted before under another name.
Dp and I have been together 4 years.
Have dc (2years) & i have a dc (8years)
His not so dm has tried numerous time to split us up, called me viles names, spread lies about me and made comments about our miscarriage and has tried to attack me in front of my son when he was 1 year. As has his sister.
She is a narcissist and has spent her years emotionally abusing her husband and 2 dcs to keep them in line, she has a 'heart condition' and 'bowel condition' and she could die any second-or so she keeps reminding us all- she doesn't need any medicine for it though
On 3 occasions now we have had to stop contact because of her behaviour. The last being when she tried to attack me. Our son was terrified and was screaming.

Anyways long story short-i am out-
She phoned to say how she must be in the grandchildrens lives and dp is up and running.

I honestly don't believe this woman is emotionally fit to be around our children. I am more than happy for soon to be ex to see them. But this woman is unstable.
Emotional abuse last so much longer than physical. And I don't want this woman doing what she has done to her children to our children
I am at a loss of where I go from here. I don't even know why I am posting this. I just know this can't go on any longer.

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 10/02/2018 01:35

Emotional abuse is as long lasting as the after effects of physical abuse...

Anyway...one day this woman will be your child's grandmother.

I wouldn't stay with a man who allowed his family to treat me like this.

Original poster

TrappedAndLost · 10/02/2018 01:41

Sorry @differentnameforthis We already have a son together that is what the post is about.
Maybe it doesn't make sense because I was rambelling so much sorry.
8 year old is mine (previous relationship)
2 year old is dp and I.
She is so emotionally abusive to me and dp.
I done way her to have any contact with the children
She is cruel how she treats everyone it horrible to watch.

OP posts:

GnotherGnu · 10/02/2018 01:41

I understand why you are splitting up. However, you have a problem, in that it would be difficult to stop your ex from taking his child to see their grandmother without a court order. Are you going to try to get one?

Original poster

TrappedAndLost · 10/02/2018 01:54

I don't want to go to court as he can be a good dad and person. But his mother is posion and i dont want her to treat the children the way she does everyone else.

OP posts:

zen1 · 10/02/2018 02:05

Surely your DC from a previous relationship would never have to have anything to do with her anyway? It’s just your younger child you have to worry about.

Original poster

TrappedAndLost · 10/02/2018 02:43

Before he moved in with me he lived with his mum so he will live there again no doubt.
He is great with my daughter and has been a father figure to her for the past 4 years and they both would both want to See each other.
I would never stop that but no doubt it would be at his mum's house.

OP posts:

Changedname3456 · 10/02/2018 04:26

Is his Mum (and sister) the only problem?

Would his going nc with them keep the relationship on track? Does he know this is where your head’s at - have you asked him to go nc?

MakeItRain · 10/02/2018 08:31

Ultimately you can't prevent him from having the children at his mum's or allowing her contact. Even if you went to court it would be difficult to prevent unless you have written/documented proof of abusive behaviour.
My advice, while you've not got a court order in place, would be to try to negotiate with him where he sees the children. If he's living with his mum and you don't want contact there, you'd have to suggest that he sees them in a public place or at another friend or family member's house. Or even at your house, with or without you there.
It all hinges on whether he would be receptive to that. You could dig your heels in, and then he can go to court (but they are unlikely to view you favourably if you've withheld contact even if in your eyes it's for good reasons - they can't automatically believe your side of the story without solid proof.)
Your best bet is to try to talk to your ex at this stage about your concerns and suggest contact that you're happy with and see if he is open to that. In the mean time you need to record anything of concern and if possible involve a third party (health visitor for eg if your child is frightened) for support as this might possibly help you if he did take this to court.
Try to remain calm and just be a constant, loving person in your children's lives. Talk to them about acceptable behaviour from others and remind them they can always talk to you if they're worried about anything.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2018 08:47

You should have reported her attack to the police...that may have helped in any legal arena if you say you don't want her to have contact with your child.

Whilst these appear to be inlaw problems...strong men wouldn't tolerate it and would absolutely keep their DM in place to protect the family.

LizzieSiddal · 10/02/2018 08:51

How did your Ex react towards his mum when she attacked you?

ChickenMom · 10/02/2018 10:15

Honestly,I get that he needs to see his 2 year old but they have no rights over your other child. In this toxic scenario I would be a blanket NO to any further contact between your ex and your older child. Why risk it? Do you really want to be in the situation where your ex MIL is poisoning her mind against you? She’s got no links to that child and could unleash all sorts of volatile behaviour/words. Don’t go there. Have her protected from that.

Original poster

TrappedAndLost · 10/02/2018 12:10

He went nc 3 times. 2 months. Them 6 months. Then 7 months.
But he says it his mum so he will always let her back in.

His mum doesn't let them have any more contact with the wider family the only person they see is ex's grandad who is alcohol dependent.

I still have all the unhinged text rambling she sent me but I never reported either attempted assault as I was trying to make the relationship work. Ex doesnt deny both happened. He was the one who had to hold his mother back.

OP posts:

Original poster

TrappedAndLost · 10/02/2018 12:13

Sorry @ChickenMum I missed your question.
My daughter has a really good relationship with ex and i would feel terrible for stopping this.
Also I worry because my 2 year old is only little so couldn't tell me if something scary happened when he was with them etc so my daughter could tell me.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 10/02/2018 12:19

I'd be far from impressed if my DH continued a relationship with his parent who physically attacked me... unless she was under the influence of having a psychotic episode...I really wouldn't be able to get passed it.

Did she ever apologise? Im just perplexed about whst could cause a MIL to launch an attack like this.

Your son seeing granny attack you is appalling. That's a form of abuse towards him in fact.

His mum doesn't let them have any more contact with the wider family

Does your Ex not know their contact numbers?

Original poster

TrappedAndLost · 10/02/2018 12:31

No. She is not a person who apologises to anyone. But everyone has to grovel for her forgiveness.

She doenst work, her husband is self employed and dd and ds both work.
Her dc each paid half the rent and all the dp had to pay was council tax.
Furthermore they had planned to buy the house in a mortgage in ex's name so she blames me for stopped her buying her house.
(He moved in with me and I wasn't willing to have him in my house freeloading like she thought I should)

OP posts:

Original poster

TrappedAndLost · 10/02/2018 12:33

And no. We wanted so send his grandad a thank you card after xmas as he never misses birthday/ Xmas for both children. She refused to give give the address to his as she doesn't like giving out addresses.
He has to walk to his grandads house to deliver it.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2018 12:46

What ChickenMum wrote earlier.

Re your comment:-

"My daughter has a really good relationship with ex and i would feel terrible for stopping this.
Also I worry because my 2 year old is only little so couldn't tell me if something scary happened when he was with them etc so my daughter could tell me."

Unfortunately those reasons are not good enough and your eldest child should not have that role. Your children do not know or realise that they could be further manipulated here by his mother or to an extent your ex. You need to make such decisions, you are the parent and they look to you for guidance. His mother as well has no link to your eldest child and she is not a good person for anyone to be at all around, let alone either child here.

He will I think ultimately need to see his child in a contact centre given that he may still want to take the child to see his mother.
Your ex's inertia when it comes to his mother as well as his own fear, obligation and guilt re same is causing him also to keep on going back to her. Toxic people like his mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Your children need emotionally healthy role models and your ex with regards to his mother is falling well short here due to his own FOG.

RandomMess · 10/02/2018 12:58

In the short term can your ex see the DC in your home?

Original poster

TrappedAndLost · 10/02/2018 16:15

I think sadly a contact centre may be an option I have to consider.

I would also allow contact in my home but that would only work for a while I think. And it relies on a lot if trust as mil is only across the street.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2018 21:45

He has to walk to his grandads house to deliver it.

So he knows the address?

And his grandad knows other addresses. or you could look them up in directories?

I know this isn't the crux of your problem I just don't see how she can have so much influence.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2018 22:05

So he knows the address?
My thoughts too.

Living too close to the in-laws is not a great idea IMO.

A woman who attacked me ...isn't one is want around my child.

I'd be looking to move away from being so close to them.

Original poster

TrappedAndLost · 11/02/2018 21:46

He had an idea of where it was so we wandered around the street he thought it was on and eventually found it.
No grandad is an alcoholic so wouldn't know any adresses etc.

She is good at rewriting history to always paint herself as the victim. And everyone believes her or is too scared to go against her or they will be pushed out.

My house is also close to my mum's which is why I have not moved.

OP posts:

Changedname3456 · 12/02/2018 13:08

A contact centre is a pretty shitty place to meet your kids, and it’s going to cost him (also assuming you can find one reasonably local to you with free space).

Nothing our shitty FC system does would surprise me, but a court enforcing that would raise my eyebrows, unless they thought there’d be a clear risk of harm if he takes your DC “home.”

MakeItRain · 13/02/2018 10:18

You'll be very unlikely to be accepted in a contact centre unless you have a referral from a social worker. Even then it's usually a temporary option.
What is your ex saying about contact?

G120810 · 13/02/2018 18:23

Contact centre and tell him it will be until he gets his own house and explain its because of his mother and sister and they won't be having contact when he has his property in mean time go to court and sort out access and state your reasons to why mother n sister to have no contact

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