Boyfriend acting up in the past still affecting me

[PippyPop123]

I really want to get over how I'm feeling but I'm not sure if I can and how I can.

OH and I have been together for 4 years. Prior to the birth of our baby, 6 months ago he was a bit of a drinker and would go out every other weekend with his friends getting drunk etc. There's been many a time when he'd promised me he would be home at say 11pm, and then roll in at 6am (god knows where he's been), a few occasions when I was pregnant when he told me he was coming over and he'd carry on drinking instead and I wouldn't hear from him all night. There's been 1 or 2 occasions where I've threatened the relationship but nothing really changed. Things got better and we now live together and have our DS and he hasn't done any of these things to me in well over a year however I now have terrible anxiety and upset at the thought of him drinking. He's done incredibly irrational, stupid and really hurtful things to me when he's drunk before and I now can't get over these. He's due to go out tomorrow night for the first time in months and I have been so upset all night which has now finished in a massive row with him telling me I either need to move on from the past as that's not who he is anymore or leave. I don't want to leave. I love him and I love our family unit with DS, however these old thoughts haunt me and my anxious mind tells me they're all going to happen over again. What do I do? I want to move forward but I have no idea how.

As a minimum I would tell him if hes going to be drunk he needs to stay at a friends, or his parents, or something.

I dont mind DP drunk if Im drunk, but drunk people are bloody annoying. And my DP isnt an arsehole when drunk, just an average slightly uncoordinated over nice drunk person.

You havent said exactly what your DP has said or done in the past so its hard to comment on that. But if you dont want to be around him after hes been drinking, then tell him that. If he doesnt respect your wishes you have a problem.

Examples are - he told me that he would be over mine at 9pm (when we lived separate), he didn't turn up, I didn't hear from him all night, his phone died and didn't speak to him until 8am the next morning.
In the very very beginning of our relationship, I found out he had gone to a strip club with his friends on a Friday night (something I really disagree with) after drinking. This was the near break up.
The most common were phone dying and not coming home, staying at a mates so I worry until 9am when he eventually gets in contact, saying he was only going to the pub and then ending up at a club until the early hours of the morning without telling me. Etc etc. Just stupid, stupid things that I now associate with him every time he has a pint.

When was the last time he did that?

Honestly it probably wouldnt have got that far with me. He treated you badly. But thats not helpful now, its done and youre here. It might never happen again. You cant really do something about something that hasnt happened yet.

You cant and dont have to just get over it. He earns your trust back by being an adult and sticking to his word. Coming home when he says he will be home. Only having a couple if he says he is having only a couple

Dont feel like you have to be over it. You dont have to, and your worries sound legitimate, if unpleasant to have.

@dirtybadger before we found out about our DS, so a good year/year and a half ago. I know I've been too kind in the past so maybe am now somewhat of a walk over but like you say, we've moved on and I want to forget it. I just find it difficult and want to know HOW?! As it always ends up in an argument and it's quite upsetting.

Op he literally sounds the exact same as my ex. Never came home when he said he would phone always dying etc. And he disappeared for 2 days whilst I was pregnant. I was worried sick.

And then every time he went out I felt the same way. Didn’t know whether to lock the door incase he lost his keys and then would wake me and DC up trying to get in the house.

If it had of been isolated i think I’d of been fine but it wasn’t.

Mine used to say the same, you need to get over it or end the relationship. And actually that’s quite true.

I couldn’t move on and I also couldn’t ask him not to go out with his mates again. I’d say 90% of the times he went out all was ok but I always had the fear. Wasn’t worth it tbh.

@ilovebutterflies I'm sorry you had to go through that, it's a shame that men think the ultimatum is to just separate when in reality why can't they just bloody sort themselves out?! I'm not all too sure what I'm doing to do. I don't want to break up our family for this as like I say he hasn't done it in around 18 months but the fear is always there. I just need to think of a way to not let it affect me so much anymore, of course it would just be easier if he didn't go out anymore but hey ho!

You chose to stay with him and it seems since you had your son he has sorted it out.
I'm not making excuses for him but it sounds like the times he did those things were before you lived with him. He now has responsibilities and from your op it sounds as though he is taking those seriously.
Obviously you don't want to end the relationship however you can't expect him to never go out.
I think this is one of those times where you need to trust him to do the right thing, you don't really have any other choice.
I would have a calm conversation with him about it. Just outline that you understand he needs to cut loose sometimes and that you hope he has a nice time but remind him to be mindful that getting so drunk he doesn't come home, staying out all night, or getting so pissed he can't keep himself safe is not acceptable, he is a father and your partner.
If he goes out has a few drinks and then comes home and goes to bed without any problem then all well and good, but you're never going to know that until he has the chance to prove he can do it.
And I think each time the above happens you will feel a little bit better about him going out.
However any signs of repeated past behaviour and you will need to think long and hard about whether this is a man who deserves a relationship with you. Good luck op, I'm hoping he behaves.

I would choose to leave. If he behaves in that way and you are the one who needs to get over it, it is clear that he thinks getting drunk and disappearing is not wrong.

Leopards do not change their spots. You find it difficult, how do you think it will be for your child to grown in such an environment?

Call his bluff or grow a pair (of wings), one thing is that is ok to go and have fun with his friends, but dealing with a inconsiderate nasty drunk on alternate weeks is not the life I will put up with or allowed to be imposed on my child.

Hi op,

I understand your anxiety around him going out but I think you need to give him a chance to prove he has changed. A lot of people do stupid things before they have children and grow up once they become a parent.

Talk to him about your concerns, tell him that you're worried but don't let it descend into you becoming controlling and not letting him go out. If he messes up and rolls in at 6am without having let you know he's staying out then is the time to have a serious chat about it. Maybe you could agree that if he's going to be home after say 1am he texts and lets you know?

I think you need to give him a chance and not have a go at him for going out.

My ex did this constantly and I never got over it because he never changed. If he had changed and showed he could have been trusted then I would have got over it and not brought it up again but I never got the opportunity to.

You can't hold it against him forever if he proves to you he has changed, unfortunately that means you will feel anxious for a while until you get to the point where you trust he is going to come home when he says he will.

If he doesn't change now knowing how you feel then I urge you to have a serious think about your future, I don't know how many times posted on forums in desperation when my ex didn't come home, including times when I was pregnant and had a newborn at home and used to get so many PM's from women saying their exes had never changed either, I wish I had got out long before I did.

How did it Go op? Did he go out, did he act like a responsible adult or not?
I'm really hoping everything is ok and he behaved.