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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure who to ask or what to think

12 replies

WellDoneTiger · 09/02/2018 19:01

I have a wonderful support team in RL; a very good solicitor, a WA outreach worker; a SW who's working with the children as well. I found out recently that my STBX husband verbally assaulted a woman in her workplace and she was terrified enough to call the police. I told the PC who's been investigating my husband that I knew. I have since learned that my husband has verbally assaulted someone else.

It doesn't make me feel very safe. Now it's the weekend. My life is tipping upside down and really I just don't know where to turn.

OP posts:
WellDoneTiger · 09/02/2018 19:52

I know my husband as a liar. I know he is a convincing liar after decades of living with him. His reality does not tally with mine, and clearly not with other people who disagree with him.

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fusspot66 · 09/02/2018 19:54

Call 999 at the first sign of trouble.

WellDoneTiger · 09/02/2018 19:59

At home I don't say anything to him. I don't dare.

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NotTheFordType · 09/02/2018 20:25

Where are you at in terms of leaving (or him leaving) the family home?

WellDoneTiger · 09/02/2018 20:35

Divorce is in progress and court dates fixed. He is furious that I won't go to mediation. The house is going on the market. At the moment I have been overwhelmed by how much bloody cleaning there is to do, and pollyfilla I will get through, and sorting out furniture so it doesn't look like a second hand furniture shop. My husband won't leave. He thinks it's all my fault. He's been referred to a programme for perpetrators of domestic abuse. I can't get the children to help with the house with my husband around as they will take the easy ride and go and be with him. They don't want to be seen as slaves. So it's just me and this fucking great house which is falling down and needs a forensic clean up.

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WellDoneTiger · 09/02/2018 20:36

Sorry to sound so cross. I am so drugged up so I can barely feel a thing. Sometimes the drugs don't touch the sides.

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BettyBaggins · 09/02/2018 23:04

One step at a time, one room at a time, one box at a time. Bit concerned to hear about you feeling drugged up. What are you taking?

WellDoneTiger · 09/02/2018 23:13

All prescribed, BettyBaggins. Just rather a lot of things to stop me falling apart.

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WellDoneTiger · 10/02/2018 11:59

All that has happened is a few tubs of pollyfilla, and a great stack of furniture arriving from a relative's house.

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WellDoneTiger · 10/02/2018 19:03

More confusion today. This time about money. When this all kicked off, my husband yelled at me to close the joint account. I saw no urgency but have opened a new account which my tax credits are now paid into. There are still standing orders on the joint account, all insurance. The money that goes into it is mine and was our joint tax credits until they didn’t receive a form. I tried to sort it out and when I told my husband I needed his help he told me not to be stupid, so I didn’t do it. My husband has plenty of form in thinking he has far more money than he actually does, and blaming his wife for not making up the shortfall. I am not the first wife.

Anywayyyyyy… I have sorted out my tax, my tax credits, the new account, and not quite got to where I can close the joint account and shift everything over as there is still money being paid into it.

Today my husband said to me that he has noticed that I hadn’t been using the joint account. I haven’t used it because I didn’t want it to get overdrawn and I wanted to move everything over when it was in credit and I knew how much per month how much I could expect, including any tax credits.

He questioned me about what I had been spending money on. He has never before taken any interest.

He also told me he had taken out insurance for one of our animals through the joint account. He may be right. The insurance company has agreed to go back to the original phone call to listen to who got the insurance started. I remember doing it. I remember discussing the options because said animal had been with us for a while without insurance, and had to be 3rd party at least. The insurance company is looking into it because the insurance document has his name at the top. I find this strange because I have always done the animal insurance and I remember asking them to make it so that he could be paid a cheque instead of me as he has often paid the bill. The vet bills have always so far been far smaller than any insurance premium over the years, so I’m not sure why I did that.

I guess I am doubting myself. But it’s my husband’s name at the top of the document and he says he did it.

I really hope to take the animals. I am responsible for health, parasite control, vaccs, training and behaviour, grooming and sometimes food. He is responsible for mostly buying food and untraining, and paying a few vet bills.

OP posts:
fusspot66 · 11/02/2018 07:51

When it was pet insurance renewal time post separation the STBXH passed the documents to me as I have the pets with me. Bizarrely the insurers wouldn't discuss 'his' policy with me once I said we were separated. The insurance had to be restarted in my name.

WellDoneTiger · 15/02/2018 10:34

I think the insurance is sorted out. I told the insurance company that I was horrified that under the circumstances they had sent my bank details to my STBX and that I found it innappropriate. They are dealing with it.

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