PLease help me understand what the hell is going on?

[imnotwaving]

Bit of long saga. Been with partner for 16 years or so . Had peaks and troughs in the bedroom, as most relationships do, but on the whole happy or so I thought. For at least three years our sex life has been dwindling, it seems to be just once a month now. Everytime I approach him , he turns me away and seems to recoil from my touch. I felt so alone, I wasn't sure how to broach the subject. I just want the connection again. I spoke to him via text about the lack of closeness and he says ' I am the product of what you made me!' . What he meant by that was that he wanted more sex in the early days and I was tired with young kids etc, so he has learned to curb himself. It feels like to me ,he is basically saying our whole marriage life has shit ! Also, out of this conversation, I ask why he pushes me away? He flatly denies this and does not remember me ever coming on to him? I even went and slept in another room one night, because he told me to leave him alone. Can you please help me make sense of all this ?

Hi op,

This sounds really difficult for you, it must be heart breaking him rebuffing your advances and his comment "I am the product of what you made me" is selfish and blaming. Of course with young children you aren't as frisky, thats completely natural!

I'm not really sure what to suggest but I can see you don't want to carry on like this. A sexless marriage can be incredibly damaging to your self esteem. Could you make it really obvious you're coming on to him, how would he react if you tried some "sexy" chat throughout the day (can't wait to see you, lets get an early night! sort of thing) and maybe a slinky nighty or some lingerie? If then he still rejects you I think perhaps the two of you need to see a counsellor to work on your marriage and the physical side of things. Would he do that seeing as it's making you so unhappy? How are things otherwise, do you make time for one another with date nights or watching a movie at home together? I think when both of you have busy schedules its really easy to let things slip and not pay attention to one another. Is there any intimacy other than sex, cuddles or random snogs or a cheeky bum grab? Holding hands, snuggling on the sofa?

Another thing is there are certain medications which can reduce libido like anti depressants, is he on any? How old are you both?

Hope some of this helps x

Would he go to couples counselling with you? Sometimes talking to someone impartial can help.

Thank you for taking the time to answer. We are late forties with teenage kids, who are around all the time ! They are up later than us etc. At least when they were younger we had some evening together. He suggested couples counselling , but I am not really in to that sort of thing. I think things should be private.
Otherwise , in the relationship things are really good, we just seem to be so out of whack with this. What is it all about , that my dh cannot even remember me coming on to him ? When we spoke about it , he was totally gobsmacked and was speechless . He had no clue he did this. Could that be possible? He takes blood pressure tablets and amitriptyline for pain.

Amitryp may be depressing his libido
It can make people feel sluggish and doped.
It maybe you perceived it that you made it obvious you wanted sex, but maybe you were subtle about it and he didn't realise.
Could you talk to him about how he would like you to show him your in the mood?
Most men arw simple visual creatures, so he might like something obvious like sexy lingerie. However it takes two, so you have to like doing that too.
And maybe he needs to take the initiative and maybe he thinks he does and your missing his clues?
However men mid 40s often seem to have dips in libido... Work pressure, family pressure eyc... Is anything else going on?
Is he in pain? Does his meds need adjusting?

Amitrityline can reduce libido, by the way.

I am not sure if Ive read this the right way, but why did you go to another room if DP said he didnt want sex? If my DP came onto me and I didnt fancy it, I would be quite hurt if he then went off to another room just because I didnt want sex.

Does he still say he has much of a sexual appetite? Perhaps you could come up with a passive way to communicate each of you are "receptive". This removes pressure and the hurt of rejection repeatadly. One suggestion I saw on television once was moving magnets on something (up or down). One magnet each. Down =please dont bother trying! Middle = maybe. Highest point = gagging for it.

The medication he is on can certainly affect his sex drive, perhaps a visit to the gp to see if there is an alternative?

I understand what you're saying about counselling, talking about intimate relationship problems with a stranger must be a bit daunting but I think if it means that much to you you need to be willing to do things that you would rather not and meet him halfway. Clearly he is willing to go to some lengths to fix your marriage, I think you need to be fair and make some effort too.

Maybe he genuinely didn't realise you were coming on to him? Were you subtle or suggestive and he just missed it? Maybe try being a bit more obvious in your advances. Do you have a lock on your bedroom door? I can totally get that sex with teens in the house is tricky, if you don't already have a lock on your door that might be worth considering?

It does seem a bit off that you slept in another room after he didn't want sex, I would be very hurt if my husband did that and vice versa. Maybe there are other issues you need to fix before the physical side of things can happen? Like communication and just general loving affection.

A couple of things:

Firstly I am prescribed Amitriptyline as I have Fibromyalgia.

I try as much as I can not to use it.

It leaves me incredibly sluggish, (part of its power is its ability to induce sleepiness) gives me strange highs and lows and makes me incredibly irritable and snappy. I end up reading loads more into normal casual everyday silly things than I should and get stupidly uptight about it: sort of, "you INTENDED to spill the water on the floor so I would trip up" sort of nonsense. In essence I found it induced a sense of suspicion. And this was after using it for just a few days at a time.

Although this may not be the same for everyone and I am just assuming it could be part of the problem for your DH, this could be driving part of his hostile emotions towards you and affecting his libido.

Secondly you say when the kids were little you had less time for sex. How long did this time stretch? A couple of years? 4? 5? more? If this is the case then it really ought to have been discussed as a potential side effect of having more children. Could resentment have built up in this time rightly or wrongly?

I think you ought to go to counselling if he is suggesting it. Refusal will probably result in the end of the marriage. You cannot let awkwardness stop you when he is acknowledging the situation and saying he is happy to work things through, because eventually he may just not even be bothered.

No , I didn't storm off in a huff ( i know that is a shitty thing to do and everyone has the right to say no). We were in bed cuddling and I touched him, he told me to stop touching him. I did, of course, and carried on cuddling him ( I had my head on his chest). He then went to sleep and after about half hour I went in to the lounge. He thought I had gone in there because of his snoring.
He says that he has suppressed himself all these years, because he thought that is what I wanted. He says that he does not remember the other night when he told me to stop touching him. I am not sure I believe him, but he doesn't usually lie. Why would he lie ? I don't really understand?

May I ask , has anyone have any experience of couples counselling? What do you there, i guess it is talking, but does it cause more bad feeling, by bringing it up again?

1i've been to couples counselling, and it did help. They are trained to help you discuss your feelings in a way that won't become an argument, and to help you both see how the other feels rather than apportion blame.

Its often the bloke who says he doesn't want to go - if yours is willing, it suggests he would like to improve things between you, which is really good news.
I would suggest trying it, and be brave and keep going even if its a bit uncomfortable at first. It could really help I think :-).