Would you still be with someone who had done these things....

[namechangeranonymous]

Obviously, I could list a whole load of amazingly good stuff too, but would you still be in a relationship where someone had:

1. Left you alone for a weekend with a 6 month old baby to spend time with a female friend even though you were struggling, and then confided in that female friend about things not shared with you.

1. Had a 3 month emotional affair (not same female friend)

1. Told you he wasn’t sure he loved you anymore and not taken any noticeably conscious steps to do anything about it.

I’m sure he could list some crap about me too, which doesn’t make it any better

Is this salvageable?

I think your responses show you want it to work, you need to know if he does too. Sometimes a shock is what they need but if youv already broken up and he’s got a second chance and this is how he’s treating you the truth might be that your just not right for each other 💐

Hi op, I think number 1 and 2 you could work through.

Number 3 stands out the most to me

If somebody loves you there is no doubt about it, there is no 'not sure' about it.

When you say he has done nothing about this it to me sounds as thou he is just comfortable and it is an easy way of living by staying. Sorry.

It's a No from me as well.

I couldn't no. I think even though you say you had got back on track between baby 2 and 3 you are (quite understandably) still harbouring resentment towards him and that will fester away.

Sorry op, I think you deserve better

Not in any way ltb

In the past, yes; now, no. When you’re monogamous do you really want your most significant relationship to be that much of a compromise?

No I wouldn't..
but my tolerance for that kind of stuff is low and as I get older....it gets even lower.

Any one on that list would be enough. Each incidence is a clear indicator of how much he doesn't respect you. And 1) He left you and his child.

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Time for you to have a big think about the future.

My marriage ended after 7 years (together 10) because he had what he called an EA. They moved in together 72 hours after I threw him out.

Thanks everyone, I am reading and taking it in. Mostly hearing what I thought I would and what I wanted/needed to hear but obviously it’s a biggie to ask him to leave....when things have just been drifting, it’s going to be a a shock to him but like a PP said, maybe that’s what is required.

Will digest all a bit further before making an rash decisions.

We have been to counselling twice over the years, including last year.

Thanks for all the comments.

Hi OP
I've been reading through all the replies and agreeing with what everyone's saying BUT I wanted to share my story with you, everyone's different so what worked for our relationship may not for yours but you don't know if you don't try right?!
I've been with my husband 7 years married for 4, we have 2 Ds ages 5 and 2. My husband suffers with anxiety and has had abit of depression when I was pregnant with youngest due to his job and the anxiety kicked in of the new baby (eldest son was a long 3 day labour and newborn stage was full of reflux and zero sleep!). We argued so much to the point where our newest sons 1st year was pretty much me parenting singly and living our lives pretty much his life, my life. He lived on a football pitch, or playing in his band at weekends. We hardly ate dinner together and every argument ended with us flinging hurtful comments at each other. He reached out to an old "friend" to discuss his depression instead of opening up to me, he also tried to arrange a coffee meet up with a girl he worked with when he was 16 because he knew she'd suffered with depression and felt like they now had this in common so fancied a friend in her (non sexual) but never ended up meeting as I actually chucked him out! Told him I needed a partner not another child, that if our family life was too much for him he could go and live single life at his parents and that we obviously didn't love each other for everything we said when we argued. He was there for a month, and as hard as it was for me, the boys AND him, it was the best thing I ever did!
Fast forward 18 months, a bout of councelling on his part, abit more sleep than we thought from the youngest son, a change in job which meant he was happier in general, and the biggest change... we made time for each other. We purposely decided to both try and salvage our marriage and do you know what.. it's worked! It might be a quick fix for now I don't know if it will always be as great as it is now but I truly believe the shock of losing what he had gave him the kick up the arse to see his family in a different light and realise what he had! We are so much more open now and that was one of my conditions about him coming home. No lies, no hiding feelings or emotions and no more snide remarks beating round the bush about whatever was annoying us.
Communication really is key and I think once you know how to be open it changes everything.

Obviously this could well backfire, you could chuck him out and he might not want to return but the way I saw it was that if he didn't return then I'm not losing out, I'm 29 so still had lots of time to find someone to value me and not take me for granted. I really hope it all works out for you, sorry for the huge post I just wanted to give a diff side of the story as hadn't seen anyone else comment about a change.

you just need to do what makes you happy

Yes, if it was an open and honest polyamorous set up, and you'd agreed the dates beforehand. (And obviously I'd be downgrading him to secondary or tertiary partner given point 3.)

Pretending to be monogamous? HAHA NO BRO.

He sounds like his priorities lie elsewhere