Is this a red flag?

[cheekycats]

All from the horse's mouth: After previously having his heart broken from 2 relationships in a row in which he was dumped and had an emotional meltdown in response, he has since clammed up emotionally and gone from being a 'heart on sleeve' man to no longer diving in head first and being much more cautious. He has decided he never wants to be like 'old him' again, and now is much more emotionally cold, feels much safer being the new him, doesn't know if it's possible for him to go back to what he was. Emphasises that it is very important that he sees his friends and maintains his own life whereas he used to be much more willing to mould his life around a significant other. Says he isn't keen on labels and likes to take things slow.

What would you make of this?

There's nothing wrong with seeing his own friends and having his own life

He doesn't seem like he necessarily wants to be in a serious relationship though

It's good he wants to take things slow and not rush in to things but it wouldn't be good if he made you walk on eggshells or blame his reaction to things you do (innocently) because his ex did it (ie making you feel bad for crying because he thinks his ex did it to manipulate him etc.)

No I'm completely all for him seeing friends etc I'm not a partner who expects every bit of free time to be spent together. It was the way it was almost insisted that he needs to have guy time and he will not sacrifice it for any reason whatsoever which made me think about whether any significant other would end up coming last on the list.

I’d say he’s not ready for a relationship.

He sounds very sad and hurt, and unfortunately, so hurt and angry that he’s over protective and very ‘hard’ now that he’s likely not to be able to give anything to a new relationship... and how can you fall in love if you can’t reach out to touch each other’s hearts and minds and souls (& body’s of course!).

Sounds like most of the people who complain about old on here. They've clammed up. But nobody can keep that up when they meet the right person.

Sounds very fragile to me. We all get hurt like that, we don't project that onto every other person we meet. Either that or hes full of crap and is setting up his excuses now so that you don't start thinking you get any say in how the relationship progresses. Either way, he's not relationship material.

Sounds like a premp to "but i told you . ....." while he does what he likes ten years down the line, while you look after the kids, the house etc. We've all had our hearts broken, he's not special. But he's giving you a list of rules that he is telling you won't change. Up to if you can accept that?

Agree thingsdogetbetter

He's pretty much told you he's hard work and he's going to make you work for his time ? Affection ? I agree with the pp who remarked that he could bail out of the relationship after ten years, kids, mortgage etc saying, 'told you so.'

If previous breakups have left him with trust issues I sympathise but he should really bow out of the dating game whilst he addresses these issues.

It's a long winded way of saying he just wants to be friends, basically.

I feel exactly the same as him.
It's what we do to protect ourselves and our hearts.
I will always insist on seeing my friends.
They were there for me through all my heartache and will always be there for me.
Friends are so important and I think what he's saying is reasonable.
Feelings grow and things change but for now this is how he feels and there is nothing wrong with that.

to be fair, I would feel like that if I was single again after hurtful situations. Im more cynical of those who want to move in within 2 weeks etc to be honest

Sounds like most single
Women I know.

After a break up with a man who completely shattered my heart/life, I vowed I would never be ‘in love’ again.

He sounds very guarded, it’s understandable, but do you really want to get into this emotional rollercoaster? Unless you feel a real deep and meaningful connection, I’d pass...

He sounds like hard work. Don't sacrifice yourself too much.

Hard Work OP. I can say that as someone that in the past has been hard work. We all get hurt in life, adopting a cold, defensive position is a sign of having not dealt with the issues that caused them.

It's whether you are willing to put that hard work in and it will be hard work. If not there are plenty of other men out there without such work. It's okay for him to protect himself, however you are not these women that have hurt him and it seems unfair that you now have to basically tread carefully as a result.

I'm now happily married after a couple of difficult relationships. I think the difference in the relationship that lead to marriage, is that I had counselling before hand and tried to drop the defensiveness.