Hello, I could really do with some insight.
Been married 13 years, together 18, two dc, age 2 and 6. We don't communicate well, and really never have, this is an issue we both have, and have tried to work on over the years. Since becoming parents the gap between us has really widened.
We used to have a shared interest in common, and that was how we met. However over the years I have simply lost interest, ad no longer have the time, energy or enthusiasm to put into keeping it up, and it can't be done on a really add hoc basis. I still go out to do it together if he arranges it but he is not very organised and usually doesn't. We now have nothing in common except the kids.
he is a very negative and unmotivated person, and will not arrange or get round to anything, preferring to sit in front of the tele snipping because he wanted to go out but didn''t.
I do not like the way he treats the dc, especially the eldest. his expectations are not appropriate for their age (eg expecting a 6 year old to maintain an immaculate bedroom without any help, or expecting a 2 year old not to leave toys everywhere) and he frequently shouts. he is very disrespectful in how he treats them, but expects them to treat him with politely. he does not stop when the eldest tells him no, or stop it (for example when he is tickling her or teasing her, ), but gets cross if she does not stop when told. when I challenge this and ask him to respect her he says its who he is, he's just playing and thats how he was brought up and it isn't a problem. his dad can push boundaries with the kids, but stops when it goes to far.
there have also been a couple of incidents in the last year that I am struggling to get over. in one he had had a very stressful time (largely caused by his inability to plan and get on with things when there was time). smallest was fighting sleep, and he ended up downstairs while I took a turn (eldest was asleep luckily) 'letting off steam' (his words) shouting and swearing, including threatening to 'beat seven shades of shit' out of our youngest. If I thought he would lay a hand on her I would have walked out then, I am confident he wouldn't but it was still very intimidating and completely out of order.
he doesn't listen to what I tell him, usually insignificant things and results in him eating our tea at lunchtime so when I get home there nothing for everyone's tea, or asking a question I have just told him the answer to minutes before, that sort of thing, but I find it disrespectful and really irritating having to repeat everything. I am really working on how I give him information in an attempt to alter this, and have tried raising it with him and also asking him how we can change it but nothing really changes.
he loves me and in recent months has been on best best behavior, although little niggles still creep in (like leaving the dirty washing up and dirty water in the sink when I have asked him over the years not to arh!), but I just do not love him. It feels like he sucks the joy out of life. days when he is at work are so much more relaxed. I look forward to him not being around and I dread spending time together. I have been thinking of leaving him since last May (been unhappy for years on and off) and have now 'got my ducks in a row' but I just don't know how to end it.
should I just end it, or try to work through things with couples counselling when my hearts not in it?