How to remain calm/not go mad with ambiguous, possibly depressed, boyfriend?

[RubyN]

My boyfriend and I have been long distance for several months and will close the gap in 3 months finally. Recently, I have noticed a change in him and it is affecting our relationship.

I'll try has become his favourite catchphrase, leaving most decision making/planning to me. For example, I asked if he would write me a letter, or a few, while we are apart (back in September) and he still hasn't. I think he struggles with what to say, but eventually when I brought it up last week he said 'I'll try.' I have written to him.

Secondly, we have been planning a trip with another couple during Easter. We need to book asap because the prices are increasing (and they were very, very cheap when we first looked at them). We are both trying to save money & not having it booked yet is making me anxious. When I asked him about it last night he said 'I'll try and book it this weekend.' This is driving me f'''''''''cking insane.

However: I've noticed during his recent visit and our latest Skype a big change in his mood. He said he is having a lot of digestive issues, that he become an insomniac in recent weeks & his eyes actually closed on Skype with me last night, until I woke him up. It is hard for me to come on Skype excited to speak to him, and he comes on with a frown on his face (although he did cheer up and seem happier as the call went on). He also said he feels more sensitive to light recently and doesn't know why

I am visiting him in a few weeks which he says he is looking forward to, but I am struggling with his constantly ambiguous attitude. Help!

I would also just like to make it clear that I sympathise hugely with the fact he is struggling right now, but it is driving me mad and I'm not sure how to cope without having a go at him...

How long have you been together? Have you always been long distance or is this just for a while, and you've lived together in the past happily? Has he been like this since you met him or it it a very recent thing?
Sorry for the barrage of questions - just trying to gauge if he is a) apathetic by nature
b) not that into you
c) depressed.

We've been together almost 1 1/2 years. He hasn't been like this since I met him, although I am more of the planner in the relationship. If family and friends make plans, he is happy to go along with them, that sort of thing. He did go through a period 6 months into the relationship of being very down when he was having work issues. Though he tells me he's happy enough at work now (but....he didn't get a job he really wanted and had applied for recently).

So I am also starting to think that maybe he is apathetic by nature...but I am also worried that he isn't into me enough to be doing these things for me/us. I don't know how to tell the difference!! He said he has been seeing a counsellor to talk about his tendency to see everything negatively when one thing goes wrong.

And yes, we lived together in the past happily. We have been long distance since 1 year into the relationship.

I think you need to ask yourself how you feel about having responsibility for all the decision-making; you might end up resentful & feeling more like his mum.

Maybe you're just not compatible in terms of your personalities?

People tend to be on their best behaviour for the 1st year or so in a relationship & present themselves the way they would like to be seen. Perhaps you're starting to see the real him?

The thing is that sometimes he does surprise by me making a plan (usually when he's feeling more upbeat and positive).

Is compatibility the issue? Who would he be more compatible with, sometimes that just doesn't give a toss about forward planning or decisiveness? Are there really people out there that are that laissez-faire?

But you are right, I don't want to end up feeling like his mum!

Maybe he's like this because he doesn't like being away from you? You said he wasn't like this before the relationship was LD.

It is recent and I'm not a mind reader/he is reluctant when it comes to communicating his feelings to me. He would never come right out and say 'I am missing you', which does bother me sometimes.

Surely being less non-committal about planning our holiday together would be better for him too if he misses me? I asked him what was wrong and he says 'I don't know'. Only so much I can do.

Ok, so he's not a good communicator.

And you are doing all the work in the relationship.

Definitely worth considering whether you want to continue. I wonder what would happen if you threw down the gauntlet to him about something eg Easter Break & told him it's his responsibility to sort it.?

Would he step up? If not, I think you have your answer.

I don't wish to alarm but with you saying he is behavig differently and suffering with sleepiness plus the sensitivity to light maybe you should ask him to get himself checked at the doctors before anyobe makes any big decisions. It's just ringing alarm bells to me. Photophobia can be a symptom of many things (light sensitivity) and along with the other things might mean something is medically wrong. Might be worth mentioning op.

Behaving*