Moving on after being bullied (grown up!)

[RNBrie]

My dh has a group of close male friends who have all known each other for years. Over the years they've all got married, my dh was one of the last (me).

When I first met his friends and their wives I thought they were all great and we got on well but it became apparent as time has passed that a couple of the wives really don't like me. It was subtle at first, exchanged looks when I said anything, some eye rolling but then it became more overt, horrible things getting back to me or events on Facebook I'd been excluded from.

I moved on. Unfollowed them all on Facebook, made new friends, tried not to worry about it too much. I have some lovely close friends who do actually seem to like me.

But I am HURT. I don't know what I did to offend them (one ring leader and a couple of hangers on) and I don't think I deserved being pushed out of the group. I still see a couple of the women and their partners but only ever individually and we never talk about the group - except occasionally when I'll ask how their weekend was and they'll look embarrassed and say they were at a big group party we clearly weren't invited to.

I can't detach completely because my dh is still friends with the guys and still wants to hang out with them, they are really his only group of friends. No one mentions me when they go out as a group, this is fine. My dh does not get invited to couples events, just the guys going to the pub and gigs.

I just want not to mind. I want not to think about them and be hurt by it all. Does anyone have any advice for how not to care?!

personally I avoid large groups of couples, although I put up with them occasionally for my partner’s sake cos he quite liked that sort of thing. I don’t socialise with the wives outside of this because I don’t want to and I don’t feel we have much in common. Life’s too short to hang about with people I’m not interested in or who are uninterested in me.

Ok so narrow it down. Did you actually ‘click’ with any of them? Or was it just a group environment that you were ‘forced’ to become a part of, trying to fit in? I often find with big couples groups, it appears they’re all great mates, but scratch beneath the surface and it’ll be very different.

I like to be on the periphery, an observer. However, what you describe is blatant exclusion and I would be hurt too! If they can treat somebody this way, do you really want to be friends with them? They are probably all stabbing each other in the back, sounds like you had a lucky escape

I really don't want to be friends with them. The couple of women I did feel I clicked with, I make an effort to see outside the group and it's fine.

But my self esteem has taken a right knock and I don't know how to stop mulling it all over. I feel like I'm back at primary school and it's missing me off. I just want to move on with my life and not be so angry.

Missing me off? Pissing me off.

so, you don’t see who don’t like you - and you don’t like them much either. You see the ones you like and who like you. What’s the problem?

The problem is how I still feel about how I was treated. I'm angry and hurt by it and I don't know how to get over it.

what does being left out say about you? Do you recognise these feelings? Where do they originate (before age 12 usually). Again what does this say about you. Understand what hurt you are trying to avoid and try to face it as you could a kind but thorough and challenging friend.

OP, I feel you on this. A similar thing happened to me - I became good friends with my DHs friends - 4 couples including us. We clicked and we're friends for 3 years. I considered them my friends not just DHs friends. But then DHs Mum died and one of the friends had been really shitty for a while and then ignored the invite to her funeral, which tipped us both over the edge. Long story short there was a big blow up and one of them said they'd drop me if I ever broke up with DH. Which I understand but also means they're not my friends you know?

I was really hurt. It's taken me a couple of years to really move on (mostly because I still have to see them - they're DHs good friends). But I would say take a step back as much as you can. Let DH go to see them without you sometimes. Focus on your actual friends. It will got better.

Ps. Sorry for all the typos, I'm shattered.

I do understand what you mean OP. I was bullied in primary school, around the age of 8-10. I became a people pleaser, and was thereafter ‘chosen’ by ‘users’. I have been angry for many years because I’m always defending myself (or feel I have to). I almost always feel excluded wherever I go and whoever I’m with. I’m working on it at the moment through counselling.

Have you heard of ‘the inner child’? There are books on the subject, it’s about addressing your feelings as you as a child. Counselling may help you here.

That aside, we, as human beings, want to fit in/be liked, we all have the same feelings, but different degrees. Your group don’t sound like mature adults.

Things like Celebrity Big Brother and Get Me Out of Here, really show human beings to their best and worst behaviours. Psychologically it’s an eye opener, but it shows we all have similar flaws, however rich/famous/beautiful you are.

Really feel for you. Your self confidence has taken a knock. I can’t be friends with couples groups. I always end up feeling like I’m the outsider or trying too hard. I don’t really understand how people make those large group dynamics work. It doesn’t ever feel like real friendship to me. I think to be real friends you have to be able to hang out one on one. Try not to worry about it. Maybe get some counselling to help you through it and help you deal with the rejection.