Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Failing marriage, abusive behavior

14 replies

Mommabearx3 · 08/02/2018 16:42

I'm new to this group but I just need to find some relationship advice. Let me start by saying my husband and I have had a rough marriage. Years ago he was abusive to me, ended up going to jail and then doing a domestic violence program and then we got back together. 6 months after he had moved back in I found him talking to a women from his work such as "I can't resist you" messages... A week after finding that I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child. I still decided I couldn't do the relationship and needed space, upon him moving out he started seeing a young (18, he's 23) women from his work which was a sexual relationship. A month before I had my son I moved back in with him to find him still talking to those women and he was very unhelpful when I had my son, actually threatend to kick me out the day I came home from the hospital. Anyways, last few months we've being working on things.. I can be pretty rude and impatient with him due to all the hurt. Last night he was smoking in our bathroom (I don't agree with this) and I go in there and he is getting stuff all over the bathroom counter and spitting in the sink , I immediately felt angry telling him he better clean this up and he has no respect for me as he proceeded to blow a cloud of smoke in my face 😩 I pushed his container on the ground and he immediately freaked out calling me "ugly cunt" "disgusting bitch" and then grabbed me shelf in the bathroom and dumped it in the hallway yelling "you fucking bitch." Thankfully kids were asleep, I just don't know what to do 😩 I always defend him hut I'm running out of options here and having our family together is seeming impossible.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 08/02/2018 16:52

Get out with your kids. They shouldnt have to grow up like this, and you deserve better.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/02/2018 16:54

I'm struggling to understand why you'd even want to stay with someone like this! He sounds vile. Abusive. A cheat. Disrespectful.

You seriously want your kids growing up in this environment? Not to mention the smoking indoors. Gross.

Just leave! You and your DC deserve better than this.

Original poster
Mommabearx3 · 08/02/2018 17:00

I know when I say these things out loud it sounds horrible. And to be clear it is marijuana he is smoking, which I do not engage in or want in my house. I feel bad for my kids, they don't see this stuff and I feel they are going to resent me from taking them away from their Dad. I hate him. So much. I'm looking for a job right now and have the taxes set to go to my bank account and will hopefully be able to get out of here. I just need to find the strength.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/02/2018 17:03

You can do this. Do you have anyone you can talk to/get support from in real life?

Good luck with the job hunt. Your life will improve dramatically when you're not being dragged down by this loser.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2018 17:06

Do not put this man above or before them. They cannot afford to grow up within a violent household.

Why would your children resent you for taking their violent abusive dad away from them, that is your own fear talking here. He is no dad to them or husband to you. All he cares about is his own self. He has in all likelihood used your children to make it more difficult for you to get away from him.

He is not a good person in any way to be at all around. You need to get out and leave him to his marijuana. Even if they do not see it they will smell it in the bathroom.

You need a refuge place.

Original poster
Mommabearx3 · 08/02/2018 17:06

The time we were apart was the last time I remember being happy. I know it will be fine, I just worry for the kids and how custody will turn out. I have my sisters here I just hate to impose. Thank you.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2018 17:06

Sound travels as well, they in all likelihood heard him shouting.

If you are in the UK you need to call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; they can and will help you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2018 17:08

You and he cannot be at all together any more due to the abuses he metes out.

Such men are not interested in their children or their welfare; they use them as sticks to emotionally beat the mother with. I suppose he has threatened taking them away from you and/or going for full custody?.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/02/2018 17:10

I'm sure your sisters will be happy to help, it's not imposing. If my sister called me up in the midnight of the night needing to do a moonlight flit from a violent, abusive man, I'd be in the car in my PJs in 10 seconds flat. Am sure your sisters would be too. Flowers

Original poster
Mommabearx3 · 08/02/2018 17:15

I need to think rational, why would they give him custody.. He is a felon on probation because of being abusive in the past. If I reported any of this he would be in prison for 18 months, it was part of the plea deal but I just can't bring myself to it. The kids love spending time with him and he is great with them when he feels like it. It's like he is either great or horrible, no in between, like he flips a switch. Honestly I have no idea what I should do with custody, or whats right. I'm mentally drained.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/02/2018 17:30

Report him. Leave him. It’s a no brainier.

cjferg · 08/02/2018 18:25

I know when I say these things out loud it sounds horrible.

You said it yourself. Sometimes it takes writing these things down/saying them to realise them properly.

lostmyslippers · 08/02/2018 22:10

Its now or never OP...you deserve better and so do your children. He will never change...I can promise you that. Your children don't need him...you are enough. Run for the hills my love Thanks

Grumpyoldblonde · 08/02/2018 22:21

You got back with someone who went to jail for violence against you and is a drug user?

You have to leave him, get help for your sense of self and get your kids away or they really will end up hating you one day.

He's a cunt and has no place on your life.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page