Is it really possible to lie in an unsuitable bed long term iykwim?

[Scree]

I feel like I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it, for the sake of our beautiful dds. OH and I are having a really rough patch atm, although if I'm honest we really don't have much in common anymore, I don;t feel like we even like eachother, let alone love eachother.
I could go on and on about how I feel about him, his bad points etc, but fairly pointless! Every day I try to decide that I will cope with things when he gets home by dealing with surface issues, talking about the children and distracting from real issues in the hope that I will start to feel warmer towards him when I'm not obsessing about how awful our relationship is. The problem is all he does is bitch about others, snap and snide at me (and of course I retaliate) and tbh the minute he walks through the door, I feel myself being dragged down.
I really feel strongly that it is best for the girls that we stay together, but have no idea if I'm right. He has a good job and is paid well enough for me to stay at home with the girls, and he is a good and loving father.
Guess bad patch will pass, but core issue still remains, just not happy together anymore. Is it possible to do this long term? Anyone managed/managing it? What do you think?

Rough patches can come and go - why did you 2 get together in the first place? Is he still the same person?

Are you, come to that?

Been together for about 7 years. He's same person essentially. No surprises. I don;t feel like I've changed, but feel like I've outgrown the relationship. I think what kept us together initially was, and I hate to say this, but the challenge. I was pretty obsessed with him, and really wanted to 'catch' him. Always was an emotionally destructive relationship until I ended it and he decided to see a therapist, got back together, things much better, but his therapy has now ended. Feel like I have outgrown him and he doesn;t satisfy me emotionally, spiritually or intellectually. He is incredibly uptight about everything, and think therapy really helped that and gave him an outlet, but now feel like things are slipping back out of control.

thanks for reply WW

Weird that therapy changed him short-term but not permanently - is that usual, do you think?

It doesn't sound promising, I have to agree. Do you talk about this? Does he realise how hopeless you feel?

Hi,
Having read your post I thought it could have been me that wrote it! Have been together with my husband for 18 years and am going through same dilemma. 3 lovely kids, he's a wonderful dad. I just don't feel the same anymore. Having got through several other bad patches I wonder if I should just sit it out but don't know if I can.

Is couples therapy an option? Have you spoken to him about how you feel? It does sound as if he needs some sort of outlet for his stress, maybe, if he's not going back to his therapy ...

(I don't think it's wise or sensible to stay in a relationship you're not happy in, for the kids, or for any other reason. But I think it's worthwhile doing your best to fix the relationship before giving up ...)

scree, imho, if it's worth sitting it out, then it's worth working at in order to make the best of it. if your bed was uncomfy but you didn;t think you ought to change it, then at least you'd try to straighten the sheets and fluff up the pillows wouldn;t you? unless you want several years of uncommunicative, lonely rubbing along, you need to talk to him. You need to work out the best way of helping each other put something in to and get something out, of an imperfect relationship.

"I really feel strongly that it is best for the girls that we stay together"

And what are you teaching your girls if you stay in a relationship that is not making (either of) you happy?. They are likely to follow the same path as you are doing now, you are teaching them that being unhappy like this in a relationship is somehow acceptable.

He may be a good and loving father to your daughters but he is not a good and loving man to you.

If you do not address the root causes of the relationship problems then they will surely fester more and you will ever more resent him.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our own parents, what did your parents teach you about relationships?. What did you learn from them?. Perhaps if you were to properly address that issue as well as what is happening now (will he be willing to attend Relate?) you will make progress in what you want to ultimately do with this relationship now.

I think the therapy gave him a forum to sound off each week, have no idea whether he got to 'sorting' any underlying issues, but it certainly helped him see how to treat me a bit better. Have called a counsellor we saw together when I was pg with dd1 today so maybe can start ball rolling in that direction.
Mint2 what are you going to do?
I know and understand the logic that staying in a relationship that doesn;t in itself make me happy is the wrong thing to do for me, but................oh I suppose it's what you've said; I need to try to find coping mechanisms which make the relationship managable before considering the radical step of leaving him.
ATM my parents were very much in love (unlike I fear myself and OH)when they got together, but they have had the most dreadful 'arguments', some lasting weeks on a ver regular basis since I was small. Funnily enough (and I'm really over simplifying here) the person who caused the rows was my Mum . OH makes my Mother look like the Dalai Lama!!! I am selfishly tremendously grateful to my parents for staying together.
Oh god, it feels like a bit of a mess right now. Funny that feels good to talk about it on here though!