He won't stand up to his parents

[lovebugbug]

New to this so be gentle with me!

I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my ex's baby. We were good friends for a year and together for a year, he was very involved with my family, with my child from a previous relationship and lived with us for 6 months until we split.

The split was very much out the blue and we have continued to see each other regularly since the "split"

The reason we broke up is because his family hates me. I come from a very working class background and the fact I already had a child before we got together also didn't sit well with his family. My ex's friends also dislike me a lot for the same reasons. The family basically said he had to choose between me and them and since they pay off all his student debts and since he's (clearly) an extremely weak human he chose them over me, and my wonderful family but continues to see me behind their back. (I know I'm an idiot btw and I should put up an ultimatum myself probably but I don't want to be a nobhead like his family)

He said to me the other day "maybe once the baby is born they'll be happier with us being together and it'll all be fine" and I blew up at him. I said he shouldn't care anymore. He's a fully grown man with his own child on the way. I haven't done anything wrong to his family. (I should also include his friends told his family a lot of lies about me and he never corrected them.)

I know my ex sounds awful because he hasn't stood up to his family and friends for me. Will he ever? Will the baby make him realise what an arse he's being? I know I sound pathetic. I just want everything to end up happy and good. We work really well together, are happy together and excited for the baby. But this is getting me down a lot

I can understand that. Does he work. So could pay off the debts himself. If he shows them he's independent maybe they will come round to it.

I'm on the other side of the situation you describe - I'm part of the family that collectively dislike the partner of a sibling. Since they had a child if anything the position has got worse. My advice is as follows:

• What should have happened is that your "Ex" (he's not really an ex is he?) should have taken steps to smooth the relationship between you and his family. This takes work and involves not just socially oiling wheels but making sure you are included in events and going out of his way to draw out threads of conversation in which you and his family might have things in common and speaking well of you to them at all times. It maybe too late for this now as positions tend to become entrenched - but it's start.

-There is no point in arguing with him about it or saying he needs to "stand up to his family". His family are his family. You are wrong to demand he chooses you. They are wrong to demand he chooses them. Both are important to him and it's shitty to put him in a conflict position. What both sides need to do is accept that the other one is part of his life. If you don't like them, you can manage this by only seeing them on high days and holidays and gritting your teeth at Christmas etc. It is possible to manage like this.

But this requires him to say to his family "look I know you don't like her, but I do and we are having a child together. I love you too. You don't have to see her if you don't wnat to but I do need you to accept she is part of my life and stop bullying me because that won't change.

• Although you may assume they don't like you because you are from a working class background/have a child, it is likely there is more to it that that. In my case the siblings partner would say something similar "they don't like me because they are snobs." The truth of it is more complex - and includes their behaviour towards us which in our culture /social circles is rude and graceless and their treatment of the sibling (taking advantage of a good nature).

If we sense someone doesn't like us, it is easy to pigeonhole the reasons so that its more palatable for us (it's just because I'm working class) but it's rarely that simple. Look back to the first few times you met mother/father/siblings - what happened? where were you? did you do all the right things? People can take offence at some things that others wouldn't notice (addressing older people by first names if not invited can really upset some traditional older people, writing thank you letters after hospitality, helping in the home). There maybe other things like this that you can correct.

Generally, people don't like a close relatives partner because they care for the partner and think that person will make them unhappy in the long run and are not a good fit. If he is happy, it's his job to show them that he is happy. You can't do that for him. If he's not willing to play ball, then it maybe time to walk away.

I've just read your post again and noticed this bit

My ex's friends also dislike me a lot for the same reasons

This is very troubling. Family not liking you is one thing - but his friends too? What all of them? I really doubt this is just because you are working class. It is unlikely that such a whole swathe of people would not like you for this reason. Even snobby groups normally have a few normal people among them!

I'd really look at this and try to get to the bottom of what the problem is here. It maybe they think you won't make him happy. Are there other issues? Are you a lot older than him? Different culture? Behave differently?

"maybe once the baby is born they'll be happier with us being together and it'll all be fine

I can tell you this will not happen and you should tell him if he wants to be with you he needs to take some steps to be direct with his family.

Once there is a child any dislike and resentment will become worse because they will see you now as having trapped him and being a part of his/their lives forever.

He needs to start unpicking this to a point that both sides can live with. You being a secret is not an option.

Why on earth should his family have a say in it?? You are pregnant and he should be on your side...not theirs.

It's his baby and he now has his own family( if he's lucky). They sound awful btw....and he sounds weak.

I think PaperRockMissile has offered some really good advice.

Have you asked him if there are other reasons why all his family and friends hate you? It might not be easy listening, but it might help you get to the bottom of it and start finding a solution. Well, if you want to raise the baby together. Also don't forget that his parents will be your DC's grandparents and will want to get to know him.

Some men like him do manage to find their balls after the baby is born, most never do, if he doesn't after that then he never will.

How old are you both, OP?

It can't just be because you're working class....I can accept they may not like the fact you already have a child.

They may feel he can do better than take on a GF with 'baggage'.

The fact that you think his family and all his friends dislike you because you are working class raises serious red flags for me.

I am going to be frank here - I think at absolute best they dislike you because you are delusional. At worst it is even more sinister than that.

Why are you having a baby with someone with whom you lived with for only 6 months?

You remind me of a poster on here who chose to have a baby with a man who mostly lived at home and who had serious special needs, and she was constantly blaming his family because he didn't/couldn't cope with the relationship and the pregnancy. The family were clearly trying to protect him from a woman who had her own deranged/needy agenda.

They may feel he can do better than take on a GF with 'baggage'.

I'm assuming he's youngish ..under 30.

Some people think at that age...you can and should find a Single BF/GF withour any kids...they recognise you can't be so fussy as you get older...but in his prime...their view will be different.

Look, you're going to have to grow up and accept that this is who he is. You're hanging onto him, but he'll never change. He'll keep you as his bit on the side as long as you let him. You were good enough to shag, have a child with, but not for his family and friends and he chose them over you. So you can carry on allowing him to use you or work on establishing boundaries and setting up how you will handle co-parenting, but there's not going be happy families here.

'Will he ever? Will the baby make him realise what an arse he's being? I know I sound pathetic. I just want everything to end up happy and good. We work really well together, are happy together and excited for the baby. But this is getting me down a lot'

No and no. Whose idea was it to get pregnant?

Will they allow him to be part of his child's life?
That's so sad making a child chose between partner/baby and family.
I was in your position and it has taken years for my dp to see the truth but he has.
It is important for you to not to accept being a secret and being firm in your needs.