Fallen out with oldest friend

[LaurG]

I’ve recently fallen out with a friend. Tbh it had been a long time coming. She is a classic drama queen. I’ve stuck by her and not judged her for 20 years but recently things have changed. Over the last 8 years she has been extremely self destructive. She jumps one live in disAsterous relationship the next. Hasn’t held down a job for more than 6 months and often ends up in precarious situations with nowhere to stay, no money and asking friends and family for money and sometimes older men she rinses for cash.

This pattern has continued for the last five years. It’s hard to witness and any wise words fall on deaf ears. She had a difficult experience growing up and for this reason I’ve just accepted her behaviour. But I’ve grown tired of her looking for sympathy every time it all goes wrong. She sees herself as a victim, blames her parents (she’s 32) and takes no responsibility for
Situation.

Tbh I’ve distanced myself from her because I just can’t take the drama. I honestly can sAy I I got to the point that I simply didn’t care anymore. We had a disastrous trip away which she spent most of on tinder chasing guys. She had just gone through another breakup and already looking for the next. She also quit her job ( becasuse she didn’t like it) so I just saw the whole situation repeating again.

After this I just gave up on her tbh. I shouldn’t have done this. I should st least have told her why but I didn’t. I guess didn’t see what the point was as she wouldn’t listen to me telling her any awkward truths.

Our relationship has been patchy since this trip. Beign honest I avoided her st all costs because I was so fed up if her. Our relationship decilined mostly because I didn’t make much effort to see her or be ther for her.

Recently she confronted me. I told her how I felt. I said I was sick of seeing her life spiral out of control and her not taking any responsibility for it. She told me I was being judgemental and given her poor childhood she has every reason to behave the way she does. She once again shirked any responsibility she had to control her own life. She says that if I was a real friend I would stand by her no matter what.

My question is am I right to grow frustrated with her or am I just being judgmental?

I would have got fed up with this too. She sounds like a drain and it is undertandablento feel you have had enough now. Also I wonder how often she asks you about your life.

understandable!

You've had the patience of a saint for 20 years!

I had a shit time growing up too. I don't do all that stuff - because I want a good, decent life. I've had the acres and acres of therapy - in the end you just have to get on with it.

That said, she could have some issues she can't control eg BPD? Just a thought. But blaming her parents/childhood is not a good look.

You've given her the chance to address this but, guess what, you're to blame for finally having enough.

You've gone above and beyond the call of duty imo. You've loved her. You're still loving her by losing patience. You loved her when you told her what the problem was for you.

If she was a real friend she would listen to what your saying and realise her selfishness is impacting on other people and you imparticular.Its sad because she can't see what everyone else sees

Op it sounds like you've tried your best with her. You've been a saint for putting up with her antics for this long not many would.
Could you perhaps reach a middle ground where you stay friends but tell her you want no involvement in / don't want to hear about her unnecessary drama because it honestly sounds like it's draining you, which is totally understandable!

I had a friend like this for nearly 45 years. A similar pattern, disastrous relationships, marriages, no job lasted for more than 6 months. Sponging off of family and friends for money or somewhere to stay. Everyone else’s fault, never her own actions. I just had enough, I was fed up being used and taken for granted. I suspect she does might have a personality disorder but that’s not my problem. It can wear you out and eventually impacts on your life, family and relationships. I think that you’ve done your best and you have to consider your own sanity. Unfortunately some people just suck all the goodness out of you and sometimes for your health and well being you have to call it a day. Two and a half years later and I definitely think that I did the right thing. It was making me ill and there was no consideration for my well being. Friendship should be a two way street, it’s not just all about the drama queen.

Thanks everyone for the responses. I think I feel guilty because in all honesty I haven't been very nice to her over the last few years and I feel guilty for that. She deserved better and I think the friendship now has to end. I regret this as we do go back a long way and I just wish I had treated her a bit better. She had a particularly bad period last year and I just ignored it. I suppose I will just have to carry this guilt with me.

She recently entered a fairly stable relationship and got engaged. I hope it works out but Im not convinced it will.

Don't feel guilty about any of it please, you were putting yourself first which is the most important thing. Her life is not your problem to deal with, it would be different if it was once in a blue moon but it's all the time. You need to look after yourself first and foremost :)

What did you do or say that wasnt very nice?

I guess I just stopped giving a shit. I would promise to involver her in things like my wedding then not do it because I couldn't be bothered with her. I also didn't go to her engagement party even though it was really close to my house. I suppose I just thought what's the point in getting to know another guy that will be out the picture soon enough.

Well her behaviour must have been exhausting and I can see why you might have had enough. But based on what you have said, neither of you have behaved that well towards each other. If you didnt give a shit, you werent exactly a glowing example of friendship to her either. But you are human You arent compatible and so the friendship should just fade away. You dont need that drama, she probably needs someone who can manage it.

I think you are correct DanielCraigsUnderpants. The friendship just isn't viable from either side.

Has she been tested for anything?
This kind of behaviour sounds very much like she may have BPD??
But you have every right to cut her out now.
I can't stand drama.

I have BPD and I thought the same thing, but I also say, having that is no excuse to be an arsehole