How do I get past this?

[SpringerLink]

I've been having a realy awful time in my marriage lately. It's been going on for years, but now it's hit a point where I need to decide whether I'm sticking with the marriage or moving on.

I've been with DH for 18 years (since I was a teen), married for 10 and we have 3 DC. DS (8) has probable special needs and is a very high input child to parent. Other two DC are girls and currently pretty easy. All are at school.

DH is self-employed and loves his job. He lives for it, and it's very clearly the most important thing in his life.

I work (until this year was main earner, but now looks like DH hasn't been honest about earnings - though I suspect that he was just oblivious rather than intentially lying), do the bulk of the childcare, bulk of the house work and essentially run our lives.

I outsource as much as possible, so we have cleaner and an Au Pair for school pick ups.

Essentially, my problem is that DH doesn't consider anything to be his responsibility. He will do (some) things that I ask him to, with varying degrees of resistance. If it will impact on his working hours, he will put up an incredible fight. He won't think about me or the DC spontaneously, talk to me about parenting or talk about much really. He just wants all conversation to be superficial and fluffy (which I struggel with as I'm autistic and don't get how to do small talk at all, or even the point of it).

For example, I have a chronic illness as well as autism and was too unwell over the summer holiday to look after the DC safely. DH refused to take time off work, and would not discuss it with me. I had to get a neighbour to help me. Same for getting the DC ready in the mornings for school - took 8 months of arguing to get DH to help me, even though doing it alone was damaging my health. But he now is, even if it's pretty ineffective and has led to a loss of routine and discipline in the mornings.

I'm also in the middle of a drawn out police investigation into a sexual assault (historic, but still really stressful to be going through). I have asked him to help out when I've had police interviews etc, but he claims to forget. He forgets my birthday most years, hasn't bought me a Christmas present that I've liked for years, doesn't seem to know much about me.

All of this has led to a situation where I'm pretty pissed off with him all the time, and either try to ignore him or get annoyed with him and am critical. I realise it's because I'm still really hurt by the things that he's done. How do I break this cycle, if he won't admit he did anything wrong or take responsibility for his actions. How do I stop seeing the negative aspects of him and try to focus on the good bits, however small they are?

Another question is: should I?

He was not like this when we met and married, and he has definitely got more selfish as the years have gone on. He seems to think that my role in his life is to facilitate everything that he wants, and him running his business is all he should have to do.

We've tried marriage counselling, but he didn't take anything on board. I'm still going, but I find it hard to know whether there is any point if I can't get DH to engage.

If we do split, I am worred about how how to manage communicaitons with DH afterwards and make sure that the DC still have a positive relationship with him.

Any advice welcome!

To be honest, If I were you I'd consult with a lawyer at the first available opportunity. This type of resentment only gets worse - especially when the other person doesn't see any error in their behaviour.

How you've put up with it so far is incredible.

Practically speaking what else can you do? You've done the counselling, you've asked for support?

By your own admission you are earning and essentially running life for everyone.

Cut him out of it. You clearly will be fine.

Wow. Life is too short for this shit.

You deserve better. Get ducks in a row, speak to solicitor and then just tell him you're divorcing him.

You're already going most of the parenting by yourself, will probably be easier without having to parent him as well.

You will be absolutely fine!

To be honest I think your husband is very unlikely to change. He's being incredibly selfish and clearly sees the childcare and household stuff as "wife work". It doesn't sound as though he respects you very much.

I agree with the above poster, its time to get your ducks in a row and bring the marriage to an end. If you don't feel ready to do that could you make a list of what you want/need him to do and sit down with him and give him an ultimatum that either he starts pulling his weight or its over?

Do you want to fix this or have you had enough and want out? Would he consider marriage counselling? I really do think he is not going to change but it all depends on ultimately what you want.

The thing is, he does have some redeeming characteristics. If I can get him to switch off from work, he can acutally engage with the DC and do stuff with them. It usually has to be my suggestion or organised by me, though.

I've been really negative and critical about most things that he does wrong for about a year now, though I am also very careful to be positive and thank him when he does nice/helpful things. One issue I have though is constantly being told that he doesn't feel valued enough in our marriage, but I don't know what he wants me to value him for or about, or how to make him feel valued. He won't/can't explain.

We have been to counselling, and it actually led me to ask him to move out in November. He didn't agree though, and won't go. He sees moving out as a temproary break for him, and he can move back in again when I (inevitably in his mind) miss him. The amin stumbling block is that he won't say what contact he wants with DC other than "I'll try to see them as much as I can".

I think I have had enough and want to move on now. I just don't really know how to do it and also feel as though I am giving up on years of effort that I have put into the marriage and just throwing it all away.

I think if its what you really want you need to sit him down and have the talk with him. Tell him its over, that you've had enough and you would like him to leave.

I know it feels like you're throwing years of marriage away but honestly is there any point in staying unhappily married? Life is too short.

What is your housing/financial situation like? Do you rent or own? Is he on the tenancy or deeds?

Stop doing any wife work for him right now. No ironing, no laundry, no cooking, no cleaning.

This motherfucker needs to fully understand that he's throwing away his right to be babied.

Hi @SpringerLink

Whenever I see a marriage in crisis post on MN, I really want to try and help by offering my opinion. I have to say, I can't see any of his positives? Does he have any?

@bibbidee - when I'm not there then by all accounts he is very domesticated. My Mum stays when I work abroad, and she sees a totally different person.

I have pretty much stopped all "wife" work now. He will eventually start doing the laundry etc. after coaching into it. I just feel like its been so much effort to get to the point where he does stuff, and that he resents me for expecting him to pull his weight.

@wellfuckmeinbothears - the house is mine and I'm totally financially secure. Staying with him is a choice, and it would be bcause I thought things could get better/go back to how they were.

I'm struggling to see his positives at the moment, but he's not as bad as other people's spouses who post on here appear to be. He's not abusive (though he can be borderline with DS in terms of how he talks to him). He's actually pretty passive, and just expects life to be facilitated and organised for him.

I've relaised that I deeply resent his inability to say sorry, ask for help rather than just expect it to materialise, and be grateful for how much time and energy I have/still do devote to him and his work. He just can't see it.

I'm not attracted to him at all any more. I realised that I'm actually a bit horrified of the thought of him coming on to me, not that I think he'd try.

I probably need to focus more energy on moving on than trying to fix things.

OP he's treating you like a doormat and doesn't take you seriously. You need to get angry and get rid.
You're allowed to leave him irrespective of what he says. I doubt he will ever change and you and your kids deserve a brighter

Also good luck with the court case, I know how stressful they can be but you're doing great so keep going.

You would be better, in your health if you moved out or he moved out. Your health and your children are the most important thing in all of this...

You gave it your best shot, so you can rest assured in the time ahead that you did all you could. It's time to go, to end this now. You've done all you possibly can. You can lead a horse to water etc.

I'd get some advice iiwy re him moving out. Try your local Womens Aid to get legal advice about him moving out. You may own the house but it is a marital asset - you need legal advice about whether you can change the locks so he doesn't have access.

Talking of marital assets, do you have evidence of his earnings? Before you start making divorce noices, make sure you are fully up on what he earns - do you have access to his bank statements? I'd keep quiet about splitting up until you have full info on what he earns, if possible.

I'm not after any kind of maintenance from him, or for the children really. I'm not sure I could find out what he earns as he doesn't really know. I've been trying to get him to a financial adviser for years, but in his mind ignorance is bliss and he makes no financial decisions for the family anyway, so he doesn't see why he needs to know... It's safe to say he's crap with money but it doesn't hurt us as he isn't profligate.

I'm really sad about the thought of ending it, but I have come to realise that he isn't a good friend (let alone spouse). I can't really remember him ever putting me first or even really thinking about me lately. But then I am not a very nice person when I'm around him and I'm so easily annoyed by things that I could let slide or not worry about years ago.

I think we'd both be happier apart, but it's so final that I want to be really sure before I pull the rip cord.

I'm really sad about the thought of ending it, but I have come to realise that he isn't a good friend (let alone spouse). I can't really remember him ever putting me first or even really thinking about me

That’s so so sad. Really, you have been so patient with him, given him lots of chances to change, tried marriage guidance and he hasn’t changed. He never will and you need to get out. It would be soul destroying living with someone like him.

I wonder what he'd say about you !?

Obviously, it's all his fault, seemingly......

Feel desperately sorry for the children caught up in this......

His relationship with the children should not be a blocker. If he cares about them, he will make an effort when you split. Probably more of an effort because he will have sole care of them more often. If he can't be arsed to keep in contact then tbh they are well rid of him from their lives.

It is ultimately damaging to the children if you create a way for it to look like their father cares when he doesn't. Children grow up and realise they've been sold a lie. That's hard to deal with and it isn't fair on them in the long run.