stuck in a rut

[confusedalot1]

Hi, I need advice. I've been with DH for 14 years and we have two kids. The sex has never been mind blowing and gradually dwindled after having known each other a couple of years. But now it's down to maybe twice a year. Thing is he watches porn but he says this has nothing to do with not wanting sex with me. We never get to the route of the problem. I am feeling really worried about a future with no sex and think should I leave him but other stuff is good. I don't know what to do. I don't know if he's being a complete idiot or what. I need advice on how to talk to him about this. I am so lost.

Hi op,

I think the porn has a lot to answer for as he clearly still has a sex drive if he's watching and masturbating to porn. How do you feel about porn? Could you talk to him about it and really open up and tell him how its making you feel? It doesn't seem to be a libido issue but maybe a sex therapist could help?

If after a talk or seeing a therapist nothing changes I think you need to have a real think about how you feel and what you want. Could you be in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life? Is there any intimacy other than sex, random snogs or hugs?

I couldn't be in a sexless marriage myself, you need to decide if you can or is life too short to never have that intimacy again?

If I were in your shoes I would sit him and down and really talk to him, find out where his head is at and then go from there.

Porn can be really destructive in a marriage if one person is choosing it over sex with their partner.

Hope this helps,
x

Porn becomes a problem when it affects your relationship.
And that is what it is doing.
Whether he wants to admit to it or not.
Could you get a look at his internet search history?
See how often he looks at porn.
I was very shocked to find my ExP was basically a porn addict.
Could you go to sex therapy together?
I think he first needs to understand that you are thinking about ending the relationship because of this.

Hi @confusedalot1

I think men (or women ) watch porn because it's easier than being intimate with their spouse. They basically don't have to deal with the awkwardness of sex (if they haven't engaged in sex for a while) and can please themselves. So porn can affect intimacy (in to me you see).

This vid might help. I think she's an author as well?

Google John Gottman, his credentials, books and vids on relationship.