I am in an abusive relationship and know I need to get out but have no idea how.
We have been together 2 years. Not married and no dc together. I have 2 dc from a previous marriage.
Part of my back story: My marriage ended awfully after exdh cheated on me with my friend. He left me to cope with our dc, full time work, no support network and the house which was falling apart and full of his animals. My confidence was completely knocked and I had a breakdown. Our relationship has been awful since he has emotionally and physically bullied me since and he still has a hold over me. We shared our dc 50/50 up until recently until he decided he couldn’t cope with our eldest and said she wasn’t welcome in his house anymore,he physically threw her out and for the past few months she has been with me 24/7. Our youngest dd is still shared. Neither of these arrangements are formalised legally.
Now on to current ‘d’p. We got together around 6 months after my marriage ending. He had just come out of a relationship too. He seemed like the perfect man at first, a breath of fresh air. He worked which my exdh never did, was kind, showered me with compliments and made me feel good about myself again, He also made me feel needed I would cook for him and help him around his house. This doesn’t sound like a good thing but I loved being needed again.
It wasn’t long before we moved in together. He owns his house which I moved into. I then stupidly but due to pressure from both him and my exh signed my social housing tenancy and child benefit and tax credits over to my exh. I did this so the dc would have a safe place to stay with their father and I couldn’t claim tax credits anyway due to my new partners high earnings. Exh bullied me into signing over cb saying he couldn’t get housing benefit without it. I naively thought my new relationship was perfect and this was the right thing to do but now realise how stupid it was and the position I am now in.
Shortly after I moved in with my new partner I realised he was far from who I thought. I quickly found out his last 2 relationships ended due to his abuse and both had to get restraining orders against him when the abuse and harassment continued after they had managed to get out. He tried to convince me that they had fabricated stories and he wasn’t like they said. He also has a very enabling dm who convinced me he was nothing like they said.
I soon started to notice how controlling and emotionally abusive he could be when this started on me. He started telling me what to wear, to start with just in the bedroom in a sexy sort of way but this quickly escalated into all the time. He also insists I shave my body daily and will withhold sex if I didn’t. ( this is fine now as it’s the last thing I want but in the beginning I wanted sex and wanted to please him so did as he asked and was compliant). I had no idea this was ea at the time.
He knows when my period is due and has it in his calendar and insists I tell him beginning and end which is just weird isn’t it?
He also tries to control and recruit my friends and family. In the early days every time he met someone new in my life , he would make sure he came across as so charming and funny. He would immediately add them on social media and chat to them all the time. I thought it was endearing and he was making an effort at the time now I realise it’s another method of control and he doesn’t want me to have any support network outside of him. Now when I make any new friends I ask them not to accept his friend request and try wherever possible to keep them away from him. This brings endless accusations of these friends trying to split us up/being untrustworthy/sinister etc and he although he never outright tells me not to see them again I know this is what he wants. I have one entirely platonic male friend who I used to see really regularly but dp has got it into his head that I’m cheating on him and shouts at me and accuses me of this daily so I now don’t see or speak to this friend much as I can’t take the grief.
Whenever we argue he will contact my dm or dsister and bad mouth me and try and make everything out to be my fault. Luckily they know what he is like and don’t listen. He also makes up lies, making things up that my dm has said about me which I know she never would to try and cause a rift.
One thing which I cannot cope with anymore is how he treats my dc. He constantly moans at them and belittles then. Compares them unfavourably to other and makes them feel worthless. He screams at them and me in front of them all the time. Calling me names and swearing. He’s thrown glasses not at them but near them before which terrified me. I know I need to get out for them.
He can as I’ve learnt is quite common be so nice and kind, funny and generous and we can go for days or weeks being blissfully happy. I feel in these moments bursting with love for him. However sooner or later he will switch again and I’ve begun to recognise the cycle.
He has never been physically violent towards in terms of hitting me but had thrown food and drink at me and more subtle things like slamming a remote or phone down my leg particularly roughly which he then says was accidental but I don’t believe it.
I have tried to leave before, after the glass throwing incident. He went to stay at his mums and I took the opportunity to pack my stuff and get out. I took the kids to the school and reported myself as homeless to the council. They said as the dc had a safe house with their df even though it is only for 50% of the time and so I wasn’t a priority need. I reported the da to them but they didn’t want to know as I had no physical injuries and there was no police report. I ended up sleeping in my car that night and then spent the next few days in a hotel until my money ran out. I was in daily contact with women’s aid during this period who put me in touch with a refuge who kept promising to admit me the next day, then the one after that and so on. All this with the constant begging messages from dp for me to come back and promises that he will change in a tag team with his enabling dm until I eventually caved and went back.
I cannot allow the same thing to happen this time and need a better plan, so please can you advise me how to get one? What should I do differently? I know I’m in an awful position as no right to this house or benefits in my name although I have now put a cb claim in for the eldest dc who live with me ft, but this can take 6 weeks to process. Should I try and wait for this?
I work full time but on a low income 20k. Currently signed off with anxiety and depression.
Thanks for reading sorry it is so long. I know I haven’t given mega specific incident details but am terrified he might read. He doesn’t trust mn!
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