Constantly being snapped at then he denies it

[dreamingofanexitplan]

Argh. I can't take much more from him.

We have 2 young dcs which is why I haven't already left.

He is constantly - and I really do mean constantly snapping at me. He can't respond to me normally. This morning we had a few sentences of conversation where he didn't snap at me and I thought oh this is nice. Then 5 mins later back to snapping. I asked him to stop and he denied it and said I'm only interpreting him as snapping because I'm tired (we've both been ill with a virus).

The thing is, it's constantly like this. I dont think he can even see it. He certainly won't admit to it.

It's like he hates me. I admit I haven't been the warmest person towards him due to a gambling issue he lied to me about for years but still. He speaks to me like I'm shit and I do so much. I earn all the money, take on all the mental load, and do as much with the children as I possibly can.

I have posted about him before and was told he's a freeloader etc etc. I should have left ages ago but it's so hard. I've got so much on my plate (business to run, health issues, 2 kids under 4) and its not an easy decision to make.

I always think things will change and that we'll be close and he won't speak to me like this, but it's getting worse if anything.

I don't want my children being in this environment. I know they pick up on it. If he's got a bee in his bonnet he won't keep it in until we are able to speak by ourselves, he'll start a row right there when they are in the room with us. I ask him to stop but he just won't. He doesn't scream and shout, it's just very tense angry words, which they will clearly know is a row.

I don't know how to become strong enough to break up with him.

I've asked him to go so many times before but he won't. He then is even more impossible to live with so it's a vicious cycle.

On one hand I think the children would be devastated not to have him around every day, but on the other I think they'd be relieved.

When I say I need to be strong enough to break up with him, I mean being able to see it through. Obviously once we have the conversation it would take him a while to find somewhere to live and a job - maybe a couple of months or longer? And in that time the hostility will be unbearable for me and the kids. That's the part I'm scared of.

Hi op,

Honestly I think you know what you need to do and there is no easy way to do it. You don't want to be with him. You don't need his permission to break up.

It will be hard and messy once you've had the conversation but if you see it through it will be so worth it in the long run.

What is your financial and housing situation like? Do you rent or own? Is he on the deeds or mortgage?

I know it'll be tough but life is too short to stay with someone who makes you miserable x

Does he not have any friends or family he can live with for a month or two until he’s sorted out a job and somewhere to live? Is it your house or a joint house? Do you pay for everything? And are you married? Just trying to work out what your rights would be

Ps he sounds awful! It’s a form of abuse to constantly be snapping and grumping at someone 24/7. Its mentally draIning having to be around such negativity. A relationship should add joy to your life, not take it away

If he’s being that unpleasant he needs to leave. Presumably your name is on the mortgage or tenancy? How he sorts everything out really isn’t your problem.

Can’t you tell him you need a break? Can he go to a family member for a week or two?

During this time assess how life is without him

He won’t change. People rarely do. It’s goid you have realised your going round in circles and will continue to do so until you finally decide you no longer want to be in the circle!!

It’s also great that you realise this isn’t good for your children. Role models when growing up are everything.

You are more or less doing everything on your own anyway so would he really be a loss?

We rent and it's my name on the tenancy. I don't think I'd kick him out if he had nowhere to go as I don't want him as an enemy. He's a difficult enough person as it is, my life would be hell if I crossed him like that.

He doesn't have anyone locally to stay with - the nearest family or friend is 4 hours drive away. I could suggest he goes for a week to give us both time to think about what we want.

One issue is, he gave up work when our youngest was 6 months old. I run a business and he said I wasn't coping juggling it all (I was), so we agreed he would give up work and help on the business plus spend extra time with DC.

Since then, he clearly wasn't coping being a sort of sahd, so we then agreed they would go to nursery for a few hours every day mon to fri, then he'd have them in the afternoons for 3 hours until I get home from work at 4.

We both do the mornings and we both do things with them between 4-7 (bedtime). So the only thing extra he does is 3 hours between nursery and when I get home.

I've suggested he get back into work as he wasn't helping me on the business and he seemed to be getting depressed and frustrated being at home. He doesn't do much with them and snaps at them a lot of the time too, although can be loving to them at times.

He refused all along to go back to work saying I wouldn't be able to cope, so I agreed, again.

I don't know my own mind anymore. He makes me doubt every thought and feeling I have. I think he's abusive but it's so hard to explain as it's all so subtle.

Any row we have he blames on me. He twists and turns things and makes me doubt the words that have just come of of my mouth.

He doesn't appreciate how hard I work and makes me feel guilty for working full stop.

Financially I'm fine. So I do have options. Just don't know how to do it all and how to see it through. I'm in such turmoil, I don't know myself anymore. I also worry I won't cope as he's told me over the years that I'm not coping when I thought I was.

You can do this!

I often say this but leaving is important as it will break the cycle of abuse and your dc will grow up knowing that there is another way to live.
My ds adored his dad but since we separared he knows life at dads is different.Emotions are not handled well but at least that time is minimised and balanced by time away from him.

What is the housing and finance situation? Could you manage solo with tax credits if necessary?

Btw, the "he hates me", is contempt and if he is at this stage is not usually fixable.
You didn't cause this, he has a toxic way of dealing with HIS emotions which he projects onto you.

A psychologist advised me if you have the following signs then you should leave.
1.emotional or physical abuse: insults, put downs, gaslighting - saying you are crazy.
2.Cold, remorseless lies and manipulation
3.Denial, refusal to admit to problems and seek help.

Get support for yourself as you don't deserve to live like this.

I understand you say you wouldn't want him as an enemy but he's hardly an ally now is he?

You don't have to kick him out...you can just pack his things and ask him to leave. It doesn't have to be dramatic. I know it will be difficult and messy but so long as you remain calm and resolved than you can see this through if it is what you really want.

It doesn't sound like a healthy enviroment for your children. Do this for them as well as you.

You will get that moment, a flash of clarity, the final straw. It's just hard to say when - people leave when they are ready, not before. At some point you will realise that it's not going to change, and that you can't imagine a future with him.

I think you could do with some counselling to sort your thoughts out. I had counselling last summer, just a few months, and it really helped me to get my thoughts in order. I am now separated, STBXH moved out 1 month ago.

I'm in a similar situation op. My DH is exactly like this & I have actually said to him numerous times 'it's actually like you hate me'

My DH has had other issues going on & I actually wonder if he has depression (won't see a doctor) obviously I'm not saying or excusing his or your DH's behaviour but is this a possibility?

His emotional abuse (which if is) has changed me beyond recognition. I'm not the person I was, but at present haven't the strength to leave (health problems, financially, 2 small children) but I take strength in the fact I will one day. In the mean time I put my energy & love into my gorgeous DC's.

I've stopped arguing with him & basically just agree (yes, no, non committal mmmm) & just ignore when he snaps at me.

I'm sorry I've not offered much advice, but wanted you to know you're not alone & that our life, one day soon, will be better