DH's parents have booked a last minute holiday when baby is due!

[Toothache]

Please can I vent some anger and frustration?

DH's parents live in Liverpool, 300 miles from us in Scotland. They come up to see us twice a year, yet we scrape the bank and drag our DS down there by train 3 or 4 times a year. I am due my 2nd baby next week.

I just spoke to DH's parents on the phone to ask if they had received some photographs of our ds(3) which we'd posted on Tuesday. She always normally phones to say she's received stuff so I was worried that she hadn't called.

She said "Oh sorry I haven't rung love, but we have been so busy today coz we've just booked a last minute holiday to Marjorca!".

I was taken aback! She then said "I feel terrible to just abandon you, but we leave on Sunday for 2 wks so we'll be away when the baby is born"

I am LIVID! DH and I always make an effort even if we have to borrow money to get down to visit them. yet they always plead the poverty line and say they can't afford to come to visit us. That is ludicrous as it only costs them their busfare (pensioners discount as they are both 60) which amounts to £35 return for them both. They couldn't make it for DH's birthday or any of Ds's 3 birthdays. I'm sick of being made to feel guilty about not making it down there for the birthday parties of the other 4 grandchildren that live there.

Am I being selfish here???? They have no reason to go on holiday that fortnight..... they're not taking any children so WHY? I feel terrible for DH, as it's not the first time they've done this.

her parting shot was "When we get back we'll TRY to get up ito see the baby for a weekend, we'll see how the money is".

I AM SO ANGRY I COULD CRY!

To top is all off his big sister flies out to Crete 4 days later. So she probably won't be here either. He values his family so highly and they are always letting him down. He won't say anything and I know I shouldn't, but my patience is wearing thin.

Message withdrawn

Cor, that due date came around quickly (for me anyway!) toothache! My advice is leave it until after you've had the baby, just let everything settle down and see how you feel then. I do know the feeling, honestly: my dp's parents said they wouldn't be able to make it here (200 miles) to see dd when she was born (despite the fact that she was dp's father's first grandchild) because of, get this, the dog. Who apparently couldn't be left or fed by anyone else, even for a day trip to see their grandaughter. I was cross but left dp to sort it out in the end since I figured they were his parents, his problem, sort of. In the end his mum came on her own on the train 2 weeks after dd was born and fil came another month later, with the bloddy dog. Leave them to it for now and concentrate on your birth and baby.

Thanks MM and WWW. I just can't understand their logic. She sees her other 4 grandchildren every day. My ds has to make do with 2 visits a year and a phone call once a week. I know they are the ones missing out, but I really feel it for DH. Honestly, he puts them on such a pedastal. I'm swicj of hearing how skint they are. They were brought up in povertyy, but for the last 20 yrs have been absolutely FINE! They're house in beautiful, worth 100k and the mortgage is paid off next year..... we are up to our eyes in debt, yet we get the "Oh I rrrrreeeeeallly wish you'd hurry and visit, we're all missing you". YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!

Their loss, don't let it wind you up (easier said than done I know).

You are not being selfish.
They sound very very unaware of how you feel. Sometimes people are so oblivious to whats right infront of their noses!

I often feel my mam shows SOOOOOOO much attention to my two nephews that my dd never gets a look in. I counted once (sad i know) and she had the boys 10 days in a row and dd not once. Anyway won't rant on about me but you aren't being selfish!

I'd wait till a few weeks after the baby at least to discuss it or they may put it down to you being hormonal!!!

Good luck BTW, are you excited about the birth??

Grr

Yep, know how you feel there. My MIL and FIL booked a one month holiday to France for the month their first grandchild (our son) was born. WHY? They are pensioners. They could have gone any time plus also they go on about 3 holidays a year.

Other fantastic things they have done include telling my partner's (only) brother that he should
leave the wedding before the reception because he had an essay to write (it wasn't even the deadline). They then drove him to the station (without telling anyone) and since they had the only key (we had asked them to distribute them to the other guests) we ended up waiting for 1 1/2 hour in the pouring rain on our doorstep on our wedding day. Incidentally I was 6 months pregnant at the time. They also decided that dp's fit and healthy 29 year old brother absolutely had to have a bed meaning that I, at 6 months pregnant, spent my pre-wedding night on a sofa.

My MIL law contstantly and obsessively worries that her son is not well, is stressed, etc. She was doing this a month after ds was born while I ran around tidying, accepting "helpful" childrearding comments from FIL, etc. In fact he is a fantastic daddy who has accepted that he isn't going to get as much sleep as he'd like for a bit and that THIS IS LIFE. She constantly comes out with passive-aggressive crap. His dad is just rude a lot of the time, basicaaly, but doesn't seem to notice. He does stuff like answering the phone in our house, turning off the bath when he thinks its too full (this when I was 37 weeks pregnant, he's lucky he's still alive). Food and who cooks it is a MASSIVE issue. Grrrr.

So its not just you but they are being horrible and its really upsetting, especially when you see them upsetting dp.

I do feel very angry at my PIL but it is impossible to discuss it with them. DP did try a few months ago and they said we shouldn't come to stay if that was how we felt. Tempting!

And they have decided they are coming for a week for ds's 1st birthday-so dp is out of the house all day and I get to spend happy hours talking to them.

Gosh, are you really at your due date, Toothache?? Good luck!

Wrt to your PIL's - am I correct in guessing that your dh moved away from his parents and they still live in/near his childhood home? If so, IME, their reaction is what happens when someone in a family leaves their hometown. It seems to be a one way street and the mover-away does all the travelling, while the journey is rarely reciprocated. I've got used to it now and don't waste my time and energy on stressing about it because I know nothing will change.

Thanks everyone. Yes my due date has rushed in, but these last couple of weeks are drrraaaaaagging. Really looking forward to getting it over and done with!

I'll leave it and hope that DH says something subtle like "Oh Mum, I'd have really preferred that you waited until the baby was born, it's very important to me".

NOT AS IMPORTANT AS THEIR FUCKING HOLIDAY THOUGH EH???

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Ah, I feel much better now. Thanks for letting me vent.

My FIL and SMIL did the exactly the same, "jokingly" told me to hang on for two weeks until they came back - kindly left their mobile number just in case . . . . Told them a rather tersely that DS will arrive when he sees fit! (and he did! ).

SMIL also gripes about the lack of money despite her perma tan, at least 3 hols per year and being a full time lady of leisure. Life really is a moo isn't it?

Personally I think it says a lot about DP's dad . . . and it makes me work doubly hard to make sure DP doesn't tackle fatherhood like his dad has, does that make sense?

Flipping families . . . .

And then when they get back, send them a 'holiday' postcard, second calss stamp, that says, 'weather is nice, wish you were here, P.S we had a baby'

You're not being selfish but maybe they think they would be in the way if they came to see you as soon as your baby was born. Speaking from experience MIL only visited ds1, 9 months after he was born despite not living that far away (Leeds to Nottingham and she has a car) and I don't think she saw ds2 until he was over a year old. She has probably only seen them 2/3 times in their whole lives (6 and 4). I just think about how much she is missing out on with her lovely grandkids but it's her problem not ours and I refuse to let her crapness intervere with my boys lives. Don't even get me started on FIL (never met him). Short of it is - they will do what they will do and you can't change it. They probably don't even realise that they are behaving in a way that you're not happy with. I hope you can sort things out but please don't get too upset over something that you can't change.

When DS2 was born, ALL our relatives were away!!!! My parents & my grandparents had gone off to France for 3 weeks with my DD, & the ILs went away to Dorset as well. (when tackled, said "thought it was due at the beginning of the month" er, no, always been the middle...

Got back from hospital & there was NO-ONE to tell

I find that when you are in a relationship with someone it really dawns on you just how different everyones families are. Mine for example, me with my mother, twice weekly phone calls, turns in who visits who every couple of months, very exited about being gran. DP and mother, he phones her a couple of times a month, she will send a very occaisional text message, DP goes to visit, they never visit, his brother was up here 4 YEARS before they ever came to see him! They are also opposed to the pregnancy and so I can't see things changing anytime soon. They also don't like me, which I feel is partly to do with their lack of insight, which my mother has plenty of and is able to stand back and see it from both sides!

I do feel for DP that he dosen't seem to have as good a relationship with his Parents as I do with mine. But he accepts this is 'how they are' and it genuinely does not seem to worry him. If it did I would feel differently but would still feel it was up to him to voice this himself (plus I'd be far to scared to do it!!). I just feel so so lucky that I have such a lovely mum and want to make the most of her! It will be interesting to see if things change with my little arrival!

At the end of the day, it is them who will be missing out, not you. You and your husband have a very special time coming up (although from what you said on the other thread it may have already come, so fingers crossed for you!) and don't let other peoples inconsiderate and selfish attitudes actions spoil it for you! Good luck!