DP's family

[thetellyismybestfriend]

Looking for a bit of perspective and a WWYD?

DP is lovely, we haven't been together too long. For context, DP comes from a white working class town and family. Some of DP's family members have rather intolerant and ignorant views, on occasion use politically incorrect language. Whenever this happens in conversation, I get the impression (maybe I'm being too optimistic) that they genuinely don't realise what is wrong with how they are speaking e.g. telling a story about something and referring to the person's race or religion even though it is not at all relevant to the story. Basically casual racism.

I come from a working class background too, but very open and lefty, spent several years in university (mixed social groups meeting lots of different kinds of people, whereas DP and DP's family's social groups have been mostly white working class), and hearing some of the things they say makes me cringe. I am not suggesting that ignorance is a working class issue, ignorant people can be found in all classes, races, shapes and sizes.

Up until recently, I have kept my mouth shut and not caused a scene or said anything. DP does not know how I feel about this although I suspect sometimes has seen my face in reaction to comments they have made in my presence. DP is very close to family, which will always mean they are very much involved, not much possibility of distancing too much from them.

Sometimes DP will say things that demonstrate that they have picked up their family's ways and which make DP sound IMO very ignorant. I do correct DP, and then I can see it click in their mind why what was said wasn't appropriate but without that explanation they wouldn't get it. I feel like DP isn't saying things to be genuinely ignorant and often remarks that they did not realise that some of the things said could be very offensive to others.

Everything else is fantastic, I get a lot from the relationship and putting all this aside, DP's family are very welcoming, loving and I can get along with them very well so long as the conversation doesn't go down certain avenues aka politics. I do worry what if we had children in future and they were to grow up around this.

WWYD? Anyone experienced similar? Thank you in advance.

er, just maybe you should have a word with your DP - perhaps him/her doesn't realise they are being ignorant/racist/homophobic/ whatever else winds you up.

or maybe just meet someone more like minded.

The post sounds odd. You "correct" your dp??? Speak to dp and explain your feelings. It comes across like you're condescending and treat your dp like a child if you correct them.

Is your partner acceptable to you in his views and language? - if so ignore the "in-laws."

You should have heard my pa-IL! - I just ignored it - he was not going to change because of me!

fairylights I understand that and I take that on board. Thanks.

Mishappening Yes that's a good point. They're not going to change.

Does anyone else have any advice?

My exes family used to complain about foreign doctors and their "jibberjabber" language, very casual racism along with the overt. I used to have very intense, corrective and educational talks with them(I was young and had the energy). They never changed. I got to just saying " I don't agree, I think it's rude to talk about people like that" and changing the subject to something neutral. It's been nearly 30 years. They haven't changed and they never will.

Why should they change just to suit you, they are entitled to say what they think and feel, you may not agree with them but as long
As they are not actively insulting people to their faces I don't see what your problem is. They may not like your lefty approach, who says it's better than their white working class social contacts, they don't have to be multicultural

You need to accept your DP for who they are. If you don't like critical aspects of their behaviour...bow out.

One of the biggest mistakes is hoping your mate will change once you get married. Most of the time...things that become an issue were always there.

If your DPs family are not the kind of people you'd want your children around...then consider carefully of this is the relationship for you.

I remember a guy I worked with and in telling a story...he'd bring in colour...when it didnt add anything significant to the story..."There was a black guy on.a motorbike"...then I'm waiting to see if his colour was relevant...it wasn't.

I don't even think he realised he was doing it...colleagues felt uncomfortable on my behalf (I'm black) but I just put it down to ignorance. Considering he was a police officer he should have known better..but he was old school.

OK, they are racist. But OP, have you any idea how many references to class you have just made? And really, WTAF has class got to do with racism?

What I am trying to say is - your post made me cringe. Just like your partners relatives make you cringe. It particularly makes me cringe when you casually mention correcting your DP when they 'sound ignorant'. You are being appallingly, toe-curlingly classist.

See how easy it is to be politically incorrect?