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Original poster

Do we have any future we don't have interests in common

28 replies

Lightyathome · 06/02/2018 15:38

Hi all!

I am new to the forum.

Recently I have been having concerns regarding my relationship. My partner and me have been living together for about a year now. In the beginning things were alright, in fact it was him who was more keen for us to live together.
Lately we have been spending less time together. We both work and come back home about the same time. I'd rather have a rest with a cup of tea in front of the tely, then prepare some food. He hates watching tely, he'd rather go for a pint or play on ps4. We end up sat in different rooms - me watching tv, him playing ps4. I don't think that's a healthy relationship. I've discussed it with him and he doesn't understand why I need us to be sat next to each other all the time. However, I have noticed him trying to watch some programs with me now. It does bother me though because he does it just because I want it. He does not have the need to spend much time with me. Maybe no time even. According to him this is not an indication for a problem. I suppose I might be a bit needy sometimes but I do believe we should spend time together.

Thank you

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 06/02/2018 15:40

So he's making a bit of an effort? Are you?

Original poster
Lightyathome · 06/02/2018 15:43

I do out with him sometimes and spend time talking to him when he's playing his game in the back room. I suppose I am trying as well.

OP posts:
kittykat798 · 06/02/2018 16:16

Honestly I don't think it's a problem. We all have different interests. My partner will watch football and I'll sit in the bedroom and watch tv shows I like. I'll pop in the room and say 'how are they playing' etc to take an interest.

It's best to try and find an activity you both enjoy. Also you both eat so make that your time to eat and talk and no games/tv etc and catch up on your day.

mamahanji · 06/02/2018 19:10

No I don't think it's a problem. And the fact he is trying to watch your shows is a good thing too.

I would much rather play a video game and my partner would much rather watch some shit police show not the telly. We do have shows in common though and we make the effort to watch series together as an ongoing joint thing. But in a lot of ways, we are incredibly different. Still works most of the time.

It kind of sounds like you're looking for something to be wrong?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 06/02/2018 19:16

I don't think having different interests is an issue. Right now I'm sat on the sofa mumsnetting and dh is playing on his computer at the desk on the other side of the room and we spend maybe 4 out of 7 nights like this. We still talk to each other (mainly commenting on the dogs farts and trying to out do each other on quiz shows!) but we also set aside at least 2 nights a week where we have dinner and then do something together whether thats watch a film or something on tv or play a board game. Could you possibly talk to him and come up with an agreement that suits you both? say maybe a wednesday and saturday night you cook and eat together and then do something you both enjoy?

Original poster
Lightyathome · 06/02/2018 20:10

Thank you for the ideas.

I don't think I'm trying to find something wrong. It's simply feeling lonely and bored sometimes.
We do go out couple of times a week but it's very difficult to occupy his attention at home because he really does not want to watch anything, and if he does it's because of me.

OP posts:
wednesdaygirl · 06/02/2018 20:28

When u have been married 27 yrs as I have you will welcome this time alone Wink
Do you eat dinner together? We do and we chat at table then go do our own things

Original poster
Lightyathome · 06/02/2018 20:52

We do eat together but you know it takes 15 min

OP posts:
cigarettesaftersex · 06/02/2018 21:54

I think it's down to the individual. My exH and I had nothing in common, my BF and I have everything in common. The difference between relationships is abysmal, but for some years I started to suspect it was a big deal.to not have anything in common with my now ex.

Thymeout · 06/02/2018 21:56

I don't know many people who watch TV in real time now. Is there a boxed set you could enjoy together rather than him having to sit with you and watch programmes that he isn't interested in? Then you could catch up with yours later. It sounds as if you're missing time feel cosy together on the sofa more than anything.

RemainOptimistic · 06/02/2018 21:59

Take up crochet and do it while he plays Wink -alternate playing and watching TV together.

When you eat together you're probably already asking how his day went - I'd say it's a good thing to do overall to keep communication open. I tend to end up with a rant for my trouble though so don't ask anymore unless I've got the mental capacity to deal with it...

Original poster
Lightyathome · 06/02/2018 22:00

Yes Thymeout, you're so right, I miss the cosy time on the sofa. Unfortunately I can't get him to watch even boxed sets. I think I'll start reading a book next to him whilst he's playing his ps4. At least will be in the same room and could chat.

OP posts:
bowtieandheels · 07/02/2018 08:31

I would feel lonely and bored too, I really can't stand watching people play video games, can't even bare the noise of them so would be a big NO from me. I don't live with my DP so he uses the evenings we aren't together to do his gaming, then when we are together we cook and watch movies etc. I think it would be a problem if we didn't share any interests, I'd hate to think my partner was only sat next to me pretending to enjoy the tv show I was watching. It doesn't really matter if he doesn't have a problem with this, he shouldn't have to change but if you're not happy then you'll have to find a tv lover to curl up with!

ALLIS0N · 07/02/2018 08:32

If you want different things from a relationship them maybe you are not compatible. Even if he’s a nice guy and you are fond of him. You don’t have to stay if it’s not working for you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/02/2018 08:38

I can't stand watching TV, and it's pretty much the only hobby my OH has. So I read, write, sit on my laptop while he's watching, with headphones on. Doesn't bother me or him (unless he keeps talking to me about the programme...grrr). We are in the same room at least!

The real question would be - if all the power went out, would you/could you still occupy yourselves together? Or are the devices and excuse not to have to talk?

Shoxfordian · 07/02/2018 08:52

Its good to have separate interests but it sounds a bit much if he's never sitting with you or doing anything with you

Could you play ps4 with him? I play with my boyf even though I'm rubbish at it but then we also watch some stuff together; not much because we like different programs mostly.

Peanutbuttercheese · 07/02/2018 08:52

I game and DH does as well but not as much as me. He loves watching football and cricket, I don't want to do this. So he does that while I game.

Your spending time two nights a week doing social things together and you also eat together and he does make the effort to watch some tv with you which he has no interest in. Sounds like he is making an effort. To me you do sound quite needy but I am like your partner. It meant I found my relationships previous to DH suffocating.

I don't think it's about interests it's more about how much you need company. I watch tv sometimes, not that much though but unless it's an amazing film or programme a lot of tv is quite passive you don't really get immersed in to the majority of it.

One of my gaming mates has a GF like yourself, she does sit in the same room with him while he games. Took her a while to get used to not being able to speak when in middle of something in depth but he chats to her in between lobbies. If you do this just remember to get him to mute his mic. Some of the conversations I have accidently heard couples have over the years.

Hermonie2016 · 07/02/2018 08:58

How long have you been together? I don't think a couple needs similar hobbies but they do need to like each other enough to want to talk to each other even if busy.

Gottman who studies relationships says happy couples are those who make regular "bids" towards each other...so if they are doing sonething separate they will check in with their partner, maybe making a comment or asking a question.It happens in a natural way not forced.

Just because your partner is happy doesn't mean you are but its a good sign that he seems to havd heard you.
I would however say, don't settle and trust your instinct.

Original poster
Lightyathome · 07/02/2018 09:13

We've been together for nearly 2 years. It has been in last 6 months that he's so into gaming. I suppose I do need more company than him. And he should consider that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightyathome · 07/02/2018 09:15

I really wouldn't mind any of that as long as we were in the same room. I realize we can't do everything together but at least be in the same room so we could chat. I hate the fact we have two sitting rooms.

OP posts:
Whatwouldkeithrichardsdo · 07/02/2018 09:19

Maybe you need to think about working on being a bit more self sufficient OP?

You say you find your partner choosing to spend his time gaming boring and pointless. Some people might think you wanting to sit down and watch TV equally dull. And I say this as someone who thinks gaming and watching TV is dull. But it is a free world.

You also say you go out with your partner twice a week and he was keen to make the commitment of living together. Also, even though he doesn't much like watching TV , you say you've noticed him doing so to make an effort to make you happy and meet your needs.

What are you doing to share his interests or give him time to do his own thing?

How much more time from him do you want and how much time can you use to do things that fulfill you by yourself? At the end of the day it is about balance and if you can't find it then you are just not compatible.

Hermonie2016 · 07/02/2018 09:25

Ime 18-24 months is end of honeymoon so novelty have worn off and reality sinks iin.

Reality can either be a comfortable place, some describe it as feeling like "home" or you realise you both have little in common.I know of a couple who have very different hobbies but when they are together they just seem like good friends and hang out well together despite being together years.
A good relationship shouldn't need much work if everything outside of relationship is going ok i.e job losses, stress, illness etc.

If this is the best it will be consider how it will feel in 5-10 years.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 07/02/2018 09:35

I enjoy doing separate things, but I also really get a lot from being connected to my partner, so that might be watching one episode of something together on the sofa before doing something separate, just reaching out for a handhold, or having a hug when passing. Not all the time, but if you do none of that, and show little interest in your partner's life, and don't really chat, then your connection will be lost and as you say, life is more boring. If he's making an effort and you can build in a bit more connection around your everyday life, then someone gaming a couple of times a week will be less of a big deal I think.

SandAndSea · 07/02/2018 09:58

OP, I don't think it's a case of what's right or wrong here, but of how you want to live your life; what makes you happy vs what doesn't.

I LOVE cozy sofa time too and wouldn't want to live without that. (Very grateful for films and boxsets.)

Personally, I wouldn't enjoy trying to read with gaming noises going on and would have to come up with a workaround for that.

I'm curious about dinner taking only 15 mins. Could you prepare it together too and eat at the table - make it more special?

My partner was into gaming quite a bit when we first met and I didn't get it at all, so I started playing too and actually got quite good at it, so I understand the draw. I now know for sure it isn't for me (I don't like the way it makes me feel) but, we can have connected conversations and share jokes and references about it. Also, he doesn't play everyday and it never impinges on our life together.

Just a few thoughts.

BackInTheRoom · 07/02/2018 18:36

@Hermonie2016

We share the same appreciation of Gottman 😊.