How long do I keep trying to make my marriage work?!

[Marvelissimoso]

Hi all :)

I used to post on here (a lot) but haven't been on for ages (because of time, and I seem to spend half of my working day looking at a screen, so try and avoid them out of work!) However, I need HELP!! And there's nowhere quite like this for good advice and telling it like it is :) (I have name-changed for this one because of, you know, RL and stuff).

So, in a nutshell.... In about 2009 dh started drinking a lot, and we were always skint (unexpectedly skint).... I asked him what was going on/to stop drinking blah blah but he just denied anything was wrong.... In 2012 he tried to commit suicide and I discovered he'd racked up £60,000 of debt (he'd lent money to 'friends', waaay overspent on family life, meals out etc over a long period of time).

I sorted out an IVA and we plodded on, however he would NOT discuss it, any of it... The years of heavy drinking and selfishness, the attempted suicide, nowt. He then decided the best way to deal with this would be to take no responsibility for anything... holidays, finances, days out, food, kids stuff. Nothing. He also totally failed to support me during the premature death of my best friend, I think because he had just switched off totally emotionally.

Fast forward several years of plodding to now (I'm trying to keep this short!), he now does our finances, he doesn't drink, he has learnt to drive, he is involved and enthusiastic about life, kids etc. He has discussed to the best of his ability, all the shit that went on.

However, I am anxious. I can't cope if he says he will do something (think tiny, like remembering to hang the washing out) and doesn't do it. I can't cope with any sign he is not 100% committed to me and the kids ALL the time. I can't have sex with him as I feel resentment towards him. That total complete knowledge that he loves me, that he's my rock iyswim, had gone.

Is it me? Is it him? Both of us?!

I love him, I want it to work, but by heck I am an exhausted, anxious mess.

Help me please oh wise women :)

I would say you need couples counselling. I can’t think how you get to the bottom of how you feel without some help, as he already talks about what he did.

Second counselling, personal or couples.

Could you go back to the start? No sex, just real basic intimacy. Dates. Get to know one another again. Element of mystery etc

Putting to one side for the moment the emotional stuff, can I just ask, on a practical level, if you were eventually to split up, would you be ok and able to manage financially and with the day to day stuff? Are you independent? I ask only because I think it gives a sound platform on which to make life changing decisions.

Definitely counselling. It seems as though he's trying to get his shit together and to make it work by the drastic change in behaviour and now it's your turn to work on your feelings. You've come this far now, there is honestly no point in just giving up. Try work on the intimacy and the resentment, it'll take time to build trust but if it doesn't come with help, then you can consider other options.

Thank you 🙂 I've had personal counseling recently (it just annoyed me! And I think made me overthink it more) and we had couples counseling a few years ago, it wasn't very useful as he just kind of nodded and agreed with everything, but would probably be more productive now.....

I like the idea of dates etc, I think that's what we've lost really..... I'm so resentful (and probably quite critical) I just don't want to 'give' him anything if you see what I mean......

Yes I could manage financially and emotionally on my own, but I really do want to make it work. It just feels overwhelmingly hard.

Thank you so much for replying Xxx

CBT or something like that for you, rather than talking therapy?

Since he's apparently now got his shit together and has proved it over a long period, it would seem like learning to let go of those hot-button thoughts might be the way forward for you.

Otherwise, it might just be too much has gone on and it won't be the same again, and you might be better off splitting amicably and co-parenting.

I think CBT could help you more than counselling maybe?
It's more structured and can help you unlock and challenge those negative thinking patterns, help you address the associated anxiety and build your self esteem a bit

I can see how you don't trust him to revert back to his ways and how this has adversely affected how you feel about him. I can also see that he's completely changed and it seems to have been a symptom of his depression, one that nearly took his life. To want to take his life he must have as if living was intolerable and to turn that around completely is admirable.

So I can understand both sides. But you can't help how you feel

Five years ago I was in a similar situation. My dh made a suicide attempt and we also had very serious financial difficulties.

He had always been the strong one in our marriage, but he just collapsed and I had to deal with all the emotional fallout, a very stressful move, and children suffering in the turmoil. It was incredibly stressful.

We finally started to come out of the other side, but then he lost his job. Found another one and then lost that. I felt absolutely drained, and just that I had no more support or empathy left; the slightest thing sent me into a tailspin of anxiety and panic. I was like you, an exhausted mess.

I finally ended the marriage a year ago. I just couldn't stand it any longer; I felt that I had nothing left to give.

I realise that this isn't very helpful, but I just wanted to say, don't blame yourself; your feelings are totally normal. Give yourself permission to leave if you really feel that you've come to the end of the road.

Sorry you went through that 😔 Do you feel 'better' now? Do you mind me asking, did you still love him? (Please don't answer if you'd rather not 🙂).

This is how I feel, drained, with literally nothing left to give. It's totally changed who I am as a person, I'm anxious, less confident, wary, less trusting.....

I feel like I'm not quite at the end of the road, but I'm not far off....

I think (hope) he understands that this really is the last chance, but then again I've thought that before! I just want it to work 😔😔

Xx

I feel much better now, op. A little worried about money, but a hundred times better than I did when I was with him.

I didn't still love him. My situation is different from yours in that way; if I'm honest I probably fell out of love with him quite a long time ago but felt that it wouldn't be fair to leave him.

Now that we have finally split up he takes no responsibility for anything that went wrong... it was all my fault apparently.

I'm afraid I don't agree with what most PPs have said. Your DH betrayed you. He got you massively into debt and lied to you. I don't think I could trust someone again after that. I don't think you need therapy to get over your reaction, I think your reaction is entirely sensible. If you want to call it a day then do it. You don't need to feel guilty.

Unfortunately, resentment is a killer in relationships. And you have reason to feel the way you do. It's not surprising your feelings for him have changed.

My advice would be to keep plugging away & you will get to your point, one way or another. Sometimes it's just going through the process & exploring all options. I refer to it as "faffing around in grey grey area until a conclusion is reached).

Why on earth is this man in charge of your finances when he almost destroyed you financially?

I'm glad you're feeling better Cambionome 🙂 It does sound as though it's a bit different, I do love him, I'm certain of that. But lots of the other feelings sound very similar, so thank you for your thoughts Xx

He's in charge of the finances now as after ballsing up so massively, I needed him to prove he could do it. And he can, he's been doing it for over a year, keeps books etc, all v organised!

I don't feel guilty. I don't want to call it a day. I just somehow want to feel better about it all! I do actually think he's done a good job of turning it around. But somehow it doesn't feel like enough, I just keep hoping that one day it will.....

I don't have anything particularly helpful to add, but I'm watching with interest if that's ok, as I'm dithering about whether to stay or go myself.

I feel similarly, in that whatever DH does, it's not enough, and the example you gave about him forgetting to hang out the washing, and that being a bit deal to you - that really resonates with me! My DH has let me down in a number of ways over the years, and I think I've made it pretty clear that this is his final chance to prove he wants to put in the effort to stay together, but the minute he messes up in some small way, I feel like he's just not committed. I feel like an anxious mess too as a result.

Carols...... That all sounds very familiar! I have times where I feel reasonably positive and times where it feels hopeless. I'm still none the wiser really, although I found all the comments really reassuring, as part of me expected people to say that he's making a big effort (which he is) and has changed a lot (which he has) so I should man up and stop having such high expectations! So it was good to hear that the way I'm feeling is fairly normal......

Did your husband do something similar Carols.....? Obviously don't answer if you prefer not to 🙂

I would also say you need counselling. You can't go on like this but it doesn't sound as though the right thing would be to walk away at this point either.

Marvelissimoso, my husband messed up our finances and got us into such a mess we had to sell our house. He kept it from me for some time, and it was a huge shock. This was all a number of years ago, however I now deal with financial matters. He's also been very unreliable in the past with picking up the DC on time, and things like that.

Sorry you've been through that.... What happened to happily ever after eh?!

So I’ve been married to my Husband for 10 years, together for 12 and in that time there has been over 20 instances of lying on his part. Some small, one involving having an STD when we got together and him not knowing that’s what it was, to me then later finding a message he’d sent to his friend saying that he had this STD, showing me he did in fact, know.
He signed up to dating sites, but claims he’s never messaged or met up with anyone. I found this out just after we got married, and had just had our son. There was other lies to, such as messaging other women, never seemed to be anything flirty, but he’d hide it or lie about it. There was one to his ex apologising for something he'd done to himself when they were together, which he’d hid from me until I saw her response pop up on his phone screen, and when I asked why she was messaging he acted like he didn’t know. I told him to respond then, asking her why she was messaging as if to a response, and he actually did it!! Rather than just be honest he messaged her asking why she was messaging him. There’s other things as well, but you get the gist.
Anyway, I left him a couple of years ago because the resentment and lack of trust was overwhelming. He knew I had come from a past relationship of a physical and mental abuse, claimed he was different, and I believed him because he did seem that way. Now he’s hurt me more than anyone ever has. So I left, and then after a few months, he begged me to give it another go because he wanted to change etc. We have a son together and my other son from my previous relationship, so I wanted to try again for them. After about 6 months of being back together, I realised that I didn’t want to be with him. So I evened it and he’s been moved out for a few months.
He’s saying he’s changed and he’ll wait for me etc, and for a moment I see a picture of happiness and how it should have been, I say we can slowly start trying to work on it, but then the next day I look at him and I want nothing to do with him! I am happier alone. I’m working on myself and healing as best as I can, because clearly I have issues too. So why do I keep going back? Only ever briefly, and so fleeting. Now I’m the one hurting him and I hate that! When I say I’m done with him I mean it. I’m ready to divorce etc, and then I just get pulled back in.
What is wrong with me?

This is a very common reaction for partners of alcoholics in recovery: once the alcholic is no longer drinking, the partner struggles with hyper-vigilance and fear based thinking. Get yourself to an al-anon meeting, it is free 12 step program for partners of alcholics. It will also give you inner peace and help you learn to focus on your well-being.