Dont know where to turn or who to talk to. DH problems

[Jadetreesbringluck]

I dont know what to do. Things with my husband are not very good at the moment. I dont think its him, I think its just that we are not the right fit for each other. He is not a bad man, I do love him but, what a cliche, I dont think I am in love with him.

He is a good partner and father, we just cant see eye to eye on things. I cant see us staying together forever but we have 3 young children and are in the process of buying our first home.

Should we go ahead with the purchase? I know this seems like an easy question but it is complicated. He was out of work for a good many years and I was the main bread winner.

We have been given help from my family. We need to get on the property ladder as rents are going up, I need to secure my children's future. I dont earn enough to get a mortgage on my own. He cant get one on his own either as although he is working now I am the principle applicant.

If we dont go ahead with the mortgage my children are at risk of being moved from pillar to post, If we do and we split up down the line, what happens then? I am the one that has done all the paperwork, planning, saving, budgeting to get us this far. He is happy to save and is happy to buy, but it is always at my instigation. This is part of the problem, he is happy to do whatever I want but never makes decisions or plans for the future himself. Even when we got engaged it was me that wanted it, I picked the ring, planned the wedding etc. Same with the children, I wanted to get pregnant and he went along with it happily.

He loves me, I know he does, again he is not a bad person, but I constantly feel let down by him (he is just being himself) and I feel resentment. In short, we are not on the same page, I dont feel he is my match in so many ways. He can be lazy, which really irritates me but he is good in the house, will get stuck into house work, make dinners, kids lunches etc.

He has had the opportunity to make some extra cash outside of his usual hours and has promised he will do so for the last two years. i dont want to say what it is in case its outing but essentially he has skill that can earn him good money for very little effort and it is something that he enjoys and says he is very happy to do....but 2 years down the line he still hasnt done it? This is what out latest argument is about. I asked him last night what was holding him back from doing this and he couldnt give me any answer except that maybe its because I am always on his case about it?

I have tried not mentioning it (left it months without saying a word and it still wasnt done). If this was something I could do to make extra cash I would have started two years ago and banked the money. Here lies the crux of the matter, He thinks I am blowing things out of proportion. I just think this is so far removed from what I would do, its causing a lot of bad feeling.

I need advice please be gentle. I am not a money grabbing gold digger! I am not trying to use him to get my own house, but part of me feels that I have done so much to get to this stage I shouldnt have to give up and walk away from the only chance I will have to have a proper settled home life for my children. I dont know what to do.

He sounds like a good man, who is part of family life and generally happy as long as you're happy. I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet. Perhaps you need to try to re-connect. Date nights, that sort of thing. If you do buy a home together and later split, then you'd need to sell the home and split any equity, unless one of you could afford to buy the other out, which seems unlikely. I think expecting him to work over-time constantly for 2 years, is asking too much, especially as he seems to do a lot at home.

I also wouldn't throw in the towel yet, Work at it. Talk to each other.

You don't sound at all like a gold digger. You just sound practical, realistic and ambitious. You seem somewhat mis-matched in your drive and motivation though and you're always going to be frustrated at his laid-back attitude and lack of get-up-and-go. The continuation of the relationship is going to be largely dependent on whether you can accept this fundamental part of his character.

Also, I wouldn't be in a rush to accept family money until I'd worked out exactly what I was going to do next I'm afraid to say but that's just me.

So what if you down-scale your ambitions? Buy a smaller property for just you and the DC? Two beds, two receps - two DC share the largest bedroom, you take a recep? I've seen people do that.

Not ideal - but it's theirs iykwim.

Build a friendship back up with (possibly) Ex.

I get that resentment really puts the mockers on a relationship.

Thanks for the replies - I just typed oubout 4 paragraphs and the page reloaded!!

Anyway I am anxious - we are talking later. He will see this as me blowing it out of all proportion - or he will apologise, agree he has been an arse and the whole thing will repeat itself.

It is a constant in our relationship - I am not asking him for something that he hasnt already agreed too!

To the poster who said I should not be asking him to do overtime for 2 years - its really not like that. It is something he can do in spare time, at home, that can earn extra money and is something he enjoys and has a talent for (like art/craft but not). So thats what makes it more annoying - its not that he doesnt want to do it, he generally enjoys it!

To the poster who said dont take the family money until I am sure - its a small amount and is technically my inheritance.

Re: buying a smaller place - we are at low end of the market, it will certainly be small. Looking for the tiniest mortgage possible.

I just feel so resentful. I sometimes feel that he is holding me back, that had I not settled with him I would be enjoying a better life? That is a lot to put on someone and not necessarily true but its horrible to think it, isnt it?

Should I tell him tonight whats on my mind? Should I actually put it out there that I think we may not have a future and that we need to figure out how we will manage if we were to split? Ask him outright what he thinks we should do because I really cant imagine living like this for the rest of my life.

We have plans for the future re: travel and stuff when kids are grown, but wont that be more of me saving, planning, working it all out?

I dont want to hurt him. Really I dont, but I have been burying this feeling for a long long time.

You can't make him. Ie these things have to come from within. He doesn't apply himself, or have as much drive, as you.
But he does a lot round the house?
I don't have as much drive as Dh.
Is this enough to break up over? All the good points you list sound enough, to me. But maybe not for you?

It sounds like you have lost your connection, It happens.
You need to open up talk to each other, Personally I wouldnt throw it away in your postion. I would work at it.
Get a babysitter go out and enjoy each others company.

I would say that you really need to talk to him BEFORE you buy your property. If you don't think you love him anymore then I think its time he knew that & then you can plan ahead. I just wished my now ex-wife had told me she wasn't happy when we moved house back in 2007. We bought a large house with a LARGE mortgage (c £375k) which was secured 100% on my income (she worked very p/time). 18 months later she declared that she was in love with someone else & we decided to divorce. I couldn't sell the house as it had fallen in value (financial crash in 2008) and I spent the next 5 years paying the mortgage so that she & my 3 kids had somewhere to live & I rented somewhere. Nearly crippled me & as a financial advisor I couldn't go bankrupt or miss any payments as it would mean I would not be licenced by the authorities for evermore. I don't think its fair on you, your children or him to carry-on if you don't see any future.

Life, and maintaining your relationship, can be very hard when you have three young children.

He's not abusive, he loves you, you love him, stick with it is my advice. All marriages go through ups and downs so don't do something you may regret.

Being a single parent with three young children is no picnic and meeting someone else when you have three young children isn't easy.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Try and count your blessings.

I would certainly not behave like your ex-wife!! Thats pretty bad.
I will lay it out for him later, I was even thinking about buying a house with a granny flat (there is one with potential) in case we did s[plit and he could move in there - like next door?

I dont want him to be gone from my life or the childrens I would hope we can coparent and remain friends. Probably pie in the sky!

I am just finding it so hard to know for sure if I am not in love with him or if its just (another) bad patch. Its a huge amount to risk if I am not sure. Also I dont want to hurt him - saying that I dont want to hurt him by staying with him and being resentful because he is not what I need? Do you understand that? He could be perfect for someone - but maybe not for me.

Love has many different faces. Relationships change and change again and the first flush of love we feel at the beginning does fade. I think you should be extremely careful what you wish for and what you say to him.