Dissapointed with marriage

[Pepperpot41]

I am sick of feeling let down by my husband's empty promises. Over 13 years of marriage he has constantly said he is going to do certain things and then never does. This includes activities he says he wants to do with the kids, keeping fit but mostly is career progression. If he was to undertake the training he says he wants to he could double his salary, but it seems he just can't be bothered. He works for a company who do not value him. The training they have promised hasn't happened but he feels too daunted (and lazy) to move on. I work really hard in quite a demanding job and also do most of the childcare and housework. I think he needs to put his family first and think of our future instead of plodding. We have discussed this SO many times over the years and nothing changes, it has really affected my feelings for him. I just don't think I can accept that our life will always be a struggle, with no money for fun stuff. But if we split up me and the kids will be even worse off :-(. Can anyone offer any advice?

This is so similar to my problem. I have a very similar husband and feel the same way. I think we are just different people? But can you leave a marriage that is otherwise good - thats what I am struggling with at the minute?

I have no advise for you - I sit my dh down and lay it our for him and he will agree, make all the right noises, puts in a small bit of effort and then reverts back to himself. I feel very resentful and our sex life is non existent because of it.

Watching with interest"!

It sounds like he has a lack of ambition which is a quality someone would avoid when dating usually. For a lot of people, ambition is attractive. It is possible he's just stuck in a rut, he obviously promises you things to keep you happy but perhaps his own bad self esteem gets in the way.
Have you thought of helping him through it, ask him why out of care not accusation, then help him feel secure and formulate a plan. He could have depression - a lot of men live in silence. If he doesn't respond to your olive branch, then the problem is serious, but I think at the moment there's other issues that require your help.

Additionally, you made vows to each other and you need to stick to these. 'He's not ambitious enough' isn't a reason to break up. I don't understand why anyone would make the vow if they cannot abide by them but at the moment you've both kept to them so continue to support him, in sickness and in health, through rich and poor.

It seems unlikely that he would double his salary. Maybe the next level up would bring way too much pressure, for not enough reward. Maybe he loves his job now.

Kitty she can leave when she wants marriage isnt a sentence you are allowed to leave and be happy.
That being said the reality of marriage is shit at times. But feeling unhappy for a long time is a reason enough to leave. Respect is two way

You need to sort out the division of labour in the house first. Why are you doing it all?

Do you have enough money to live? Pay bills? Is it the extras you struggle with? Does DH have solution?

I agree with sleeping, why is all housework and childcare your job?

I work part time, he works full time, therefore I do most of the chores and childcare. I don't really expect him to do more of that, just more appreciation would be nice. I wanted to point out that I don't just sit on my arse and expect him to do all the work and bring in all of the income. I have a good job that is flexible and pays quite well for part time work.
We earn enough to pay the bills but don't have a lot left over, I just thought by my age things would be more comfortable. He seemed a positive and ambitious person when we met and fell in love, and I didn't worry about the future. Now I worry about finances and the future all the time.

I hear him telling our friends how he is going to change jobs, do on-line training and then it never happens. About twice a year I dare (very sensitively) to ask him about his plans and he immediately gets defensive, "Now is not the right time to change jobs because of Brexit.... no companies are offering pay rises at the moment.... at least his job is local.... how is he supposed to do online training when he is tired...".

Basically he is exactly the same as his Dad, who is always promising things without following through. I guess there is nothing I can do to change him. If we stay together I have to ignore his promises and accept that life will always be quite hard. I feel so resentful at the moment that I don't know if I can do that.

I don't think it's something you can change, and suspect he'd make less promises about work if you didn't keep asking. You have to either accept he isn't ambitious or more on without him.

If money is tight, you're ambitious can you not look at full time? If its kids in childcare would he consider going part time and doing more around the house?

However if he is making promises to the kids and then breaking them that's not on. Is he left to deal with the consequences of his broken promises?

Could he work part time and you full time?

Maybe that might be a solution although if he is as lazy as he sounds then probably not one that will work

This is a tough one. I've known women actually divorcing their husbands on these basis but they worked full time and could take care of their family finances independently.

I guess the laziness and not keeping to his promises is a red herring. The issue is that you want different things in life. You want more than he does (and rightly so!). You want your children to do fun things and have some luxuries (like holiday etc) but he's quite happy just going to work and let thing stay the same.

My mum divorced my dad for this exact same reason. She could because she earned more than him. My SIL divorced her husband because she was the breadwinner, cleaner and she did EVERYTHING in the house and for their son. So she left him because he was a burden, as if she had two children to take care of (they only have one son).

I'm in my early thirties now and I imagine when I'm in my late thirties/ early forties my life would be better and less of a financial struggle. If it doesn't turn out to be that way I would be asking the same question as you.

Logically and practically, if you are better off without him financially, you're better off with him.

Emotionally, do you still love him? If you do, does it really matter that you cannot do nice things?

I don't think anyone else has the answer to your questions other than yourself.

Good luck xx

So your marriage and happiness is based on him earning more maybe he doesn't want the higher paid job u either need to accept that or leave him but then u can't afford that and u would be in a worse situation than u are now so ure just going to stay with him so u kind of answered ure own question don't know why this situation would make u not want to be with anymore it's not like use ever had the extra money before be happy or if u can't be on ure own u can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do

what are the barriers to online learning? how costly is the course? is it available all hours of the day and all days? could he do it on the weekends (will it be possible to have the little ones out of the way)?
someone who is down and bedraggled might not be able to find the energy for a 2yr degree but a six week intensive program with your support might be manageable.
lots of questions, is he generally healthy...although he sounds somewhat depressed...