Am I fucking this up?

[reddingtn]

Been dating a lovely guy for 6 months. We live a five minute walk apart so spend most evenings together. I practically live at his place at times! Yes it's moved quickly but it works for us as no DC etc.

He works two jobs, the second means he knows everyone in our small town. He has a female friend who he is very close to. I am not the jealous type fuck the pick me dance but something has been off from her from the start. She likes to invite him to dinner alone which I went along with as I trust him. Messages him all the time asking how he is with loads of kisses (he never puts kisses in texts, even with me) and I found if him and I fell out he has got drunk with her and moaned about me.

Today she was on my suggested friends on fb, so I stupidly looked. Every single post has him tagged in. And photos of them taking stupid selfies on nye when he told me he didn't 'see her that night' (but didn't tell me he saw her in the day apparently!). As her and I are not friends on fb I can only see her public posts or 'friends of friends' posts, and every single one has him tagged. Sometimes 3-4 a day.

The weird part is there's nothing on her profile prior to when we started dating.

It's weird, right? Please tell me I'm not being paranoid. I don't necessarily think he's cheating but my gut says something is off.

Very very weird. That would be enough for me I'm afraid. Sounds like you need to extricate yourself before you're in any deeper.

You're being paranoid. You're seeing only the photos your partner is tagged in, so it will be every single one! That's also why you're not seeing anything from before, as you did not have mutual friends before then.

Have you made efforts to get to know her yourself? My partner's best friend is a woman, I don't have any problem with it as I've got to know her and I know there's nothing between them. I also don't expect him to tell me every time he sees her, we're entitled to our own lives.

I think with the whole profile thing it sounds as if she has her settings so that friends of friends can see what they’re tagged in. So for example, the only posts you can see of hers are the ones that she’s tagged him in, because you both have him as a friend on there. I imagine they’ll be lots of other posts but you can’t see them because she hasn’t tagged a mutual friend in them.

Him lying about nye says it all. He may/may not be having an affair, who knows. But he obviously lied for a reason.

She isn’t the problem here, he is. It would be enough for me, especially the lying. I’d be gone.

That's very true Bombardier25966 but 1) they were friends before he met me so there should be the same ish about of posts/tags before he met me (unless she was trying to wind me up) and 2) there are only 3 public posts for the whole of 2016.

I get the impression she's trying to goad me. If I'm wrong then I'll hold my hands up.

I don't think he's cheating though Chippyway, I think it's, at worst, her trying to shit stir. He hasn't got the time or inclination to cheat said every scorned woman ever but I am still at the stage where I hope it's just a case of setting boundaries as she's single.

We also have other friends in common who are never tagged. The fact that [partners name] tags has come up so many times solely after we started dating has added to the already weird feeling I have about her.

Oh this would be enough for me to wave him off into the sunset. As you said, fuck the pick me dance. Even if he's not 'picking' her, he's playing you like a flute and being dishonest as well.
And she just wants him because he's taken. Forbidden fruit and all that. You get people like that. They just need the attention and enjoy the drama of being the main player on the stage. She's not stupid. She knows she's pushing the boundaries. And he's playing along. That's the part that would get my hackles up, his role in this.

How long have they been friends? He's obviously not interested because he could have her if he wanted her (she's made it pretty clear). But maybe she strokes his tiny, little ego. You don't need it.

But if she's single they'd be together if they wanted to be? It sounds like she might and he just wants to be friends. This would annoy me but that's all. He's with you because he wants to be as there's nothing tying you together.

It does sound like she's staking her claim really. Possibly a little jealous that she's not the only woman in his life anymore or a bit annoyed that he's not spending as much time with her anymore. Sounds like it's definitely more on her side than his.

I've confronted him and he's making it seem like it's me but what I don't get is I don't have a problem if they're friends, it's when he lies about it and then tells her

Nah, this is too much hassle for a very new relationship imo. He's lying to you and there's drama so I'd just stop seeing him I think.

I think you’re over thinking. If they wanted to be together they would be.
That being said it would wind me up too.

He made you seem like its you?. No its not you, its him. I would walk away from this now for that reason as well. Too much drama already, leave the two of them to their dance of codependency. You're better than that.

he’s making it seem like it’s me

There’s your deal breaker. So what if she is a jealous dog in the manger friend or whatever - it’s his reaction that matters. He’s hiding stuff about their interactions and denying the obvious - that 3-4 tags a day is a normal amount of fb interaction. That’s the relevant point.

If he just said ‘yes she’s being strange’ and agreed to talk about it or deal with it then it wouldn’t matter.

*isn’t

Girl from DHs work started to be over friendly in my opinion (very female heavy work place, lots female friends just this one bit OTT). When I told him he listened to me and said he would alter his way of dealing with her / pull back a bit. And did. He at no point made me out to be at fault or silly. I think it's telling that he is blaming you for his behaviour and inability to set boundaries. It is not you and if he's not willing to change their dynamic then you might have to rethink the relationship.

Seeing her and lying to you about it would be enough for me to dump him. Sorry, I'm sure thats not what you wanted to hear but honestly 6 months in it should be exciting and loving. Not him making it seem like you have a problem when its him lying to you about it.

Not worth the hassle x

The lie on NYE would be enough for me to be done.

6 months in and he's projecting blame on you...time to run OP, sorry x

I don't like the title for this. Don't blame yourself AT ALL.

I am currently dating someone who's best friend is a woman who lives so near him, and they go on dinner dates etc.

I too have my gut telling me to watch out. I especially hate the idea, that down the line he will be going to another woman to no doubt 'complain' about me, or get advice. That doesn't sit well with me. It's not jealousy, it's just - nobody wants another woman telling their boyfriend what to do with their relationship.

The fact he has kept things from you about her, and that her profile shows a lot of tagging him posts that are now public - she is probably trying to make you jealous. Or maybe she's terrified she'll lose him as a 'friend' so is trying to be extra OTT with him.

Do you know if anything has ever happened between them? If not I would absolutely ask that, although I have a feeling he would downplay it.

My advice to you: take some distance. When you're next meant to be over, or he's meant to come to you, say you're busy or have something you need to do. Make him realise what his life is without you. You guys have moved quickly with seeing each other so often. You do not want him to take you for granted. Get some space, and really think what you want from this.