Concerned

[Thinkingofausername1]

Is anyone up?

This evening, my husband was showing me some photos of best man on twitter. I noticed he had a 'dm'. I said oh you've got a dm are you going to check it?
He went mad and said I know, what it is and I don't need to check it, in front of you. I don't have to justify myself to you!
He has been distant, a bit since Friday and was agitated, because he left his work phone on his desk, and was unable to go back and get it.
Every time, I've tried to talk to him, about important issues, he's ignored me until I get angry,for being ignored; then has got angry back. He doesn't say ' I don't want to talk about heavy stuff I just want to chill'. But gets cross with me.
Tonight was the last straw. Before we went to sleep; he was still angry and before he turned the light of said, I don't want any friends and I don't know if I want you anymore.
He has been very, very busy with work and dealing with a lot of intense shit issues. Which I know must be hard to deal with, but there was something I needed to talk to him about the whole weekend, I've been poorly and trying to keep everyone happy is so difficult when I'm mentally and physically drained.
So I've dealt with the issues myself now. I don't care what he thinks about that now.
I'm worried he's cracking from stress at work, or could there be something else because he wouldn't be open about the dm. I don't know why I'm posting but I'm upset and worried, I guess.

I'm a bit of a hard ass and if my DH said that to me I'd say "Fine, there's the door. Come back when you've figured out. If you're lucky, I may still be here".

If you want to be kinder than me, tell him you are concerned about him and that perhaps he might benefit from counseling to help him deal with the stress and to figure out what he wants out of life.

In the meantime, you need to be sure that you are prepared for any eventuality.

I'm not sure I'd open a DM in front of someone as I wouldn't know what it was about. I'd also be annoyed if I was expected to open it on demand. But yes, it could be dodgy. His moods could be attributed to stress at work but he should speak to you respectfully and listen to you and be part of the family

I think he’s there’s a lot going on . And ur comment although shouldn’t have made him react that way ,it triggered his insecurities or stress hence he behaved that way. I don’t think u should worry about the dm that much but try to sort ur own stuff out . I’ve been there before as well where I’ve snapped but really there was nothing to hide

It sounds like he's got stuff on his mind and he's taking it out on you because you're the closest to him.

Do you get quality time together ? Maybe you need to sit down together and have a frank discussion to see what is on his mind before he cracks and really does lose it with someone .

Thank you for your messages. Yes. He has no one really to talk to, but won't talk to me. And has always avoided counselling because he struggles with feelings and expressing them. It makes our marriage incredibly difficult; to know what he thinks a lot of the time.
He behaved this morning, like nothing happened. And didn't even apologise to me, for what he said. Just stared into space, when I was trying to talk to him. I'm feeling pretty confused and fucked off by his behaviour.

There is no rule that says you must stay in a marriage where you are not respected nor treated with kindness and consideration. If your DH has mental problems and refuses to seek treatment for them, then he has broken the marital vows first, not you.

Do you really want a lifetime of this treatment? You haven't mentioned children, but would you want to subject a child to it or have them witness it?

What's DM? Many thanks in advance.

DM = direct message

Like a PM on here. Private message.

I don't know if I want you anymore

That comment wouldn't fly with me. I'm very likely to say. ."while you figure it out consider us seperated"
"I'll also take time to decide how I wish to proceed".

You'd have seen a different reaction from him.

I don't take kindly to those kind of comments

Hi op,

That was a really hurtful comment he made and I don't blame you for being upset. I like to think if my dh said something like that I'd be asking him to leave until he made up his mind rather than dragging me along and making me unhappy but I know in reality things aren't always that simple especially when you love someone.

I wouldn't worry too much about the dm, my dh often uses his phone in front of me and sometimes has a message he hasn't read and it always turns out to be something mundane!

It sounds as though he is under a lot of stress and not wanting to come home and deal with hard issues which isn't very fair to you. What was your marriage like before he came under so much stress at work? Could you ask him to set an evening aside to talk in a few weeks time and say once you've had a chat you're going to have a nice dinner and a bottle of wine to wind down together?

It does seem as though he's shutting you out and the hurtful comments he made aren't acceptable but if he hasn't always been like this I would be inclined to try and understand whats going on and work on things.

x

Hi all thanks for your messages

He has apologised about his behaviour, he says he feels I don't trust him, when I ask to see his dm's. Which I do see, the point of view, but I also feel a relationship should be completely honest and open.
I speak to my male friends on the phone in front of him, I don't act funny or secretive, where as it was a personal DM and not a work one which is why I felt annoyed, about his reaction.
We've had our ups and downs, and a few years ago we nearly split up. However he has changed so much in a good way ; to show he wants to work on the marriage. But sometimes, I don't feel he sees it from my point of view regarding social media and messages when he claims he has no friends, in rl.
He has a lot of projects on at work and forgot, to attend one of the meetings; for one of these projects- so I think that he is definitely under a lot of pressure. I'm quite worried he's not being supported enough either professionally.