I've screwed up but feel pushed

[ConfusedMotherOfOne]

I have been with my OH 5 years and we have a 2 year old DD. I have been unhappy for a long time. But I haven't spoken up about it. I've been on eggshells for so long. He is emotionally abusive, has a horrible temper and doesn't do any childcare (never changed a nappy or had alone time with 2 year old).

Whenever I've tried to speak out about our relationship he has unfortunately lashed back. He throws things at me in front of our child. He calls me names in front of our child.

Since we started I've always had higher sex drive. And for the last 6 months or so I could count the number of times we've had sex on one hand. I decided to take to online chatting with random people as my outlet. Like porn but just a real person. Sexting. I clearly am in the wrong for this. But I would ask daily for my partner to be intimate and he would say no. I began to feel horrible about myself and the attention I got from others kept me going.

Unfortunately I have recently crossed the line and felt an emotional connection with someone else. And they feel the same. Its a messed up situation and we both feel terrible. This was warning sign enough for me that I needed out of my relationship because how can someone make me feel so great about myself and I don't even know them?

The last month or so I've tried breaking up with my OH. I've explained how unhappy I am and how I have had to gain my confidence to speak up about how I feel he acts and how it's not right with the baby. I didn't mention my messaging because I didn't think it would be needed. He keeps turning things around saying he's changed but I've told him a few times I'm done and it's over, then he acts like nothing has happened at all.

Today, he snooped on my phone and saw some messages from the person I had been talking to. I feel awful but now he's saying that I should forgive him for his ways beforehand because he's willing to forgive me. I've told him he will never be able to trust me again so what's the point.

He's willing to try and now making me feel guilty but in all honesty I know I'm not going to feel the same way about him ever. Regardless of this OM who lives over 500 miles away.

He told me that he wishes I spoke up sooner, his ex gf used to put him in his place when he crossed a line but I never did so he took it further and further (so he saw what he was doing to me before then!) and he also said that if an ex had done what I have done he wouldn't have been sad he would have just been angry and would ha e physically shown them how angry he was (is that threatening me?). He also said that everyone is going to hate me now. Which they probably are.

I know I've messed up but probably in a way this outlet was to keep my mind off how awful its been at home. Not the right thing I know.

I don't know what I'm even posting this for but I just don't know if anyone has ever been in this sort of situation? I've know I've messed up and I am sorry but, am I just a terrible human being? Probably.

He still won't leave and has been refusing to leave for the past month or so even though I've said we are over.

Wow. U did wrong by not ending this before u started chatting to this OM sure. But he sounds like a real piece of work. Ur fella.

If he was like this in a previous relationship and he knows hes treating you the same then why didnt he stop his ways himself? Its not down to u to say "dont throw things at me" he knows its wrong

If he had any respect for u or ur son at all he wouldn have been behaving this way.

Can u leave? X

@welshdragon I know I'm in the wrong myself too, I feel terrible.

I need to be strong and just tell him I am definitely done. Despite his guilt trips. I suppose I'll just have to live with the fact I've clearly emotionally cheated. And how he will most likely try and turn everyone against me.

It is hard as he has said he knows his actions were wrong before and he changed, but I can't stay just because I feel guilty :(

Do you understand that you don’t need his permission to end the relationship?

It’s doesn't matter what he thinks about who’s at fault. Tell him to fuck off!

The ones who love you will stand by you. The ones who dont stand by you arent worth it anyways. Your relationship has no reflection on you as a preson. Relationships make us do stupid things.

Be strong for your son more than yourelf. He doesnt need to witness all the hostility. X

please end it! pack your bags and leave whilst he's out if that's what it takes. He sounds terrible !

Just tell him you're done. He doesn't have to agree and you don't need his permission. Having an emotional affair is no way as bad as being an abusive shit btw.

I'm sorry but I think you need to take your baby and go to a women's shelter ASAP. At the very least, phone one and get their advice. By throwing things at you he has proven he can be physically abusive - from what you have said - yes he is threatening you - and now he's found out about your chats he might get angry and lose control. Please protect yourself and your baby. Later on, you also might need to ask about counselling to help develop your confidence. Good luck.

Thanks everyone. Was half expecting to be roasted for what I had done as I know I was so in the wrong. I need to get out of this relationship.

Hi Op,

You were in the wrong. If you came on here as a man and said you used sexting instead of porn as your partner didn't want as much sex as you you would be flamed. So yes, you were very wrong to do what you did. But you know that. Two wrongs don't make a right and obviously it would have been best to get away from this abusive lazy twat but whats done is done.

You really do need to get out of this relationship. Instead of worrying about the other man 500 miles away start being proactive. You don't need his permission to break up (though I'm sure him being the abuser he is he will have done a good job on making you feel like you do). What is your financial/housing situation? Do you rent or own? Who is on the tenancy/deeds?

You can leave him, you and your dd deserve more. Concentrate on getting this sorted and forget the other man for now x

@wellfuckmeinbothears I know I was in the wrong like you say. I feel guilty. I have told him multiple times about wanting to leave. I've blocked the OM and we aren't talking for the foreseeable future.

My partner is now distraught and saying I am selfish for not trying. He's saying he's changed and I should have spoken up earlier but I can't explain to him how, when you're in a relationship like we were, with someone being dominant over the other, it's so hard to see what is happening. I've said to him I have seen his true colours and I cannot unsee them but he's promising he's changed. I can't see him truly forgiving me, like he said he's willing to do, and I Can't see me falling back in love with him.

Am I selfish to give up?

He's saying we can date again. He's saying I didn't love him before I met him and I gave him a chance and I loved him again.

Now he's saying he will take me on dates and make an effort and make me feel loved and his temper has gone forever (!?) but he won't give me the space I'm asking for.

Yes him seeing the messages means he's finally understood that I was serious. But. He's acting like it's the first he's heard of me not wanting to be with him.

He's saying I'm not allowed to lead him on but I've said if we try I can't guarantee I won't still want to leave.

He's also saying about he wishes he was dead as he won't have anything, he will relocate because he won't be able to see our child because its like seeing me. And he will not see me because he will hate me. And so will all his family.