I'm after some advice or just somebody to talk to.
I have been with my partner for 9 years. We had our son very soon in our relationship and he is now 7. We were both quite young, I was 20 and still at university and he was 23 just starting out in his post grad job.
Our son came as a surprise, but one I would never wish to change. I still managed to finish uni and we have done quite well for ourself. We have a nice home (large mortgage) and had nice holidays over the years. The problem I have is since having or son my partner initially struggled. He has never been vilant and is a good dad to our son, but he did go through a bad couple of years of being selfish. Going out most the time, being verbally abusive towards me, making me feel inadequate and and inconvenience to him. We almost broke up in 2014 when we came to blows. He vowed to change and did inially. The problem I have, is since then I can't trust him and can't help but feel I'll be happier alone. We've had a busy couple of years buying/renovating our home. I've been In a new job for 2 years now which I love and I finally feel I've found myself. I have good friends and a good home/work life balance. However since I have gained this small bit of independence my partner does not like this, and once again makes me feel bad for trying to better myself in my career and having a new circle of friends. He will call me selfish and other names which have before upset me, but I've accepted maybe I am that person and backed down. We haven't had any major arguments lately, but we just don't get on and don't agree on anything, which in turn is constant bickering or we just don't talk. The passed couple of months though I have really grown to resent him. I feel controlled and that I can't be myself around him. I have in the passed few weeks told him this and told him I don't know what I want anymore. This in turn has broke his heart as has mine. He's promised he will try and so have I. I really am trying to see the good in him and want nothing more than to feel back in love with him. But I just can't feel it. I feel incredibly selfish for saying it, but I don't feel I've had a chance to live, and feel I would be a better mother and happier on my own. I feel so torn as I know he would be devastated if we were to break up and he wasn't on the scene with our son full time anymore. He also tells me I am the only one for him and he can't see his life without me. If I'm totally honest I just don't feel the same anymore, and haven't for a long time. I've been hoping things would get better and my feelings would change. But they aren't. I really don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to tear our family apart. But I don't want to carry on feeling so lonely at the same time. I have tried to tell him this and be honest. He gets cross and angry, then cools off and acts fine again. Then the circle repeats itself.
Any advice would be very welcome.
Sorry for long post and thank you for reading.