Can people change?

[Zoo33]

I have another thread on emotional abuse but am intrigued and hoping to hear from anyone who gave an emotional abuser a second chance.

I'm not considering going back to my emotionally abusive boyfriend (for anyone who reads this and worried) but he's adamant that he didn't know he was doing it.

So my question is this: can he change? Does anyone have any experience of it happening successfully and of being happy again in the relationship?

It appears to me that the majority of the opinions being expressed here are too subjective and were mainly being based upon failed relationship of others. And honestly, the couples that managed to rescued their relationship and continue to live a happy life with their loved one probably wouldnt be here reading unfortunate stories of others.

It seems that anyone who come here asking for opinions regarding their relationship problems are just being fed with more and more negative energies and are generally being advised to refuse any form of communications and stop having any hope in that relationship.

I dont know whats the full picture of zoo33’s stories nor i know her and her ex in life, but from my observation, zoo33’s is probably hoping to hear some other voices and different opinions from the users here too.

And more importantly, we should never neglect to the importance of communications. I think it is important for the couple in such situation to individually have equal chances to express their views.

Zoo33, i am not a specialist in this field but if i were you, i wouldn’t make any important decision purely based on the opinions gathered from here. If your 4 years relationship means anything to you, go seek help from qualified professionals, get a second or even 3rd opinion from other qualified professionals if required. Go couple counselling, CBT, go seek help from professionals who are regulated by their professional body, professionals that really know what they are doing.

Your ex must be devastated by all these unfortunate events too. But from what you have described, he still has has not given up on you, has he? One may argue that he just cant give up controlling and manipulating his partner, you. BUT what if thats not the case? Aren’t couple suppose to support each other when one of them fall? And since when the answer to all relationship problems become “fuck off from my life, because i am unhappy in this relationship”?

I wish you all the best and hopefully you, your ex, his ex, the families & friends....etc will all find the right supports and helps that you need. Be strong, dont loose hope.

Just my two pence.

Thing is, choose2believe, abusive partners rarely give up easily on their partners. This is why breaking up is the most dangerous time for the abused partner, and it usually takes several attempts to successfully leave. Because the abuser will ramp up the manipulation whether it be through intimidation & threat or through a charm offensive & promises of change.

If he wants to change, he should seek therapy and follow through, not with the promise of getting to stay with the partner or getting back together, but because they want to fix their own issues.

Because he wants to fix his own issues, dunno why I changed to plural.

My previous abusive ltr exes never changed. They promised to so many times but after a week or two they went back to the way they were. I think on occasion with support people can change but they need to want to.

No definitely not

They can change, but it's hard, and it takes a long time. And not everyone does change.

Contrary to what appears to be popular opinion here, most abuse is not wholly conscious: where the recipient of abuse is often caught in a fog, so is the abuser in a different way. It is a fog of regressive, dysfunctional behaviour patterns - which in no way excuses them. They, and only they, are responsible for those behaviours, and they are the only ones who can sort them out.

"most abuse is not wholly conscious: where the recipient of abuse is often caught in a fog, so is the abuser in a different way"

Yes, perfectly put.

Also, as pps have said, on the rare occasion one does put the work in to change, interacting with their previous victim is very likely to put them back in their old mindset and reignite those behaviours. So if they do change, it won't be you who gets the benefit.

I think part of the problem is that when you unlearn unhealthy behaviours, it usually takes a while to be able to form relationships as your new self. And the behaviours have often come from family in the first place, which means that family become difficult to be around as well, so there's a period of lonely isolation before things start coming together.

It's a very tough time to go through even when your previous behaviour didn't "work" for you. If your dysfunctional habits were actually fairly functional in terms of making you feel better, then it must be very easy to relapse.

Maybe not every victim in an abusive relationship will choose to leave the abuser and let him deal with all the mess just by himself. Some, decided to stay, at a safe distance, to continue supporting him, bringing in the proffessionls... to deal with ths circumstances, while knowing that she probably wont be the one getting the benefit when he recovered.

Maybe he will never recovered. Maybe the damage to his brain and his personality are permanent,

No.
You should get some counselling to save you picking someone else with similar traits xx

I guarantee all the people posting no believe they are a better person than they were 10 years ago.

But will still say that someone else can't change...

Noone is really a winner in this. We all loose regardless of the outcome. But to some people, leaving the person that they love when they are not well, is not an option. Thats why she can never let it go. And she is actually he

Fionnamac, if you meet someone after 10 years you mostly go "ah, same old [insert name], after all these years, hasn't changed a bit! ". We tend to perceive ourselves as changing when others would say not.

I'd say I've changed a bit with time, effort and experience, but my overall personality and predispositions remain fairly fixed.

It takes sustained effort (and with certain things, professional help) to create new habits, change screwed up behaviours and not relapse.

I think people have the capacity to change, although in your scenario it is a little disconcerting that your OH had no idea he was being verbally abusive.

I certainly changed when my ex left, I was no longer an irrational or anxiety ridden mess. I’m actually a much better person and nicer too these days!

It's 6 months since I left him although I'm currently being harassed and have finally got the police involved (a sign that perhaps I was right to escape when I did...?)

As @didsomeonesaybunny says, I'm happier and much less anxious now that I'm not with him. It was definitely the right choice for me.

I'm sure some people can and do change, but it takes a strong person to decide to stay to help with that. Whether in my situation he could change is up for debate - his ongoing harassment leads me to think that he certainly hasn't done and so I'm better out of it.

So glad to hear this update! Was genuinely thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were getting on.
Well done for getting the police involved. It's best they know the situation.
Have you considered a restraining order?

@Mrstobe90 I have but I'm going to wait and see how he reacts to the harassment warning notice first.

I don't think they can change, they don't think they are doing anything wrong in order to accept that they need to change, imo.

I split up with my EA, controlling & DV ex P in 1996 and I'm sure he just carried on being the same with subsequent partners. As he was with those before me. (Tales of them being crazy, a red flag right there).

Oddly, his parents were lovely. Normal, loving home life, two brothers who were totally different, no EA or DV at all. I missed them more than him in the end.

He could switch it on and off so he knew what he was doing.
When I look back at the time in my life I don't recognise the person I was then and my now DH who I met later in 1996 is the total opposite. The ex is not fit to wipe his boots.

I wish I'd had Mumsnet in those days.