I have had 5 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. I told my husband I couldn't do it anymore and that I didn't want to live anymore because it just made me feel inadequate and low, a part of my dignity as a woman was lost as I consider myself a failure. But I couldn't go thru with ending it - I didn't have the guts and I know I must keep going for our 7 year old daughter - she's truly amazing and deserves to have her mum there.
This pain hurts so much and I though that my husband wouldn't want to cause me anymore pain. I found out a couple of months after the ectopic that our so called friend was sending my husband porn. It was joke stuff in the beginning but I told my husband that I didn't want him viewing that stuff, be it joke porn or not. I still had my suspicions as he stopped sitting on the sofa by me in the nights and would always be on his phone, taking it where ever he went. I asked him outright at least twice if he had been sent more or had viewed any more naked women or porn. He would tell me to shut up or say no.
I had enough one night and I asked to borrow his phone to order our daughters xmas present. He had an awkward face and responded with where's your phone. It's flat I replied and so he past his phone to me. I went to screen snap the order and save it in his photo gallery. I found porn there and as I explored further there was another 12 more images of naked women which our so called friend had sent him and then another which his other mate had sent him again consisting of naked women. I was disgusted, hurt again and past the phone back to him calling him a pervert and telling him to get out of the house. The only person I looked to for support and comfort has now stuck the knife in further and I felt completely broken.
He texted our so called friend and asked him to stop sending him porn as I didn't like it. I then asked if he had viewed the videos that he was sent. Yes he replied. I asked him why when I had already told him that I didn't want him to view that stuff. I don't know, all men do it he said. So I asked why and what did he get out of it? Nothing he replied. I asked him if he would be ok with me viewing other naked men, No he replied and so I asked him why it was ok for him to do so. He was angry and shouting. I said that I need to know because if he isn't ' getting want he needs from this relationship then we obviously have problems that we need to deal with. He told me to shut up and that out marriage was over months ago. I told him to leave, as I now felt like I was possibly being used. Why stay if you think the marriage is over? FYI, He's had two failed relationships previous to ours. He said I was over-reacting and that he wouldn't view it anymore and had told his friend to stop sending it.
The following day I told him it was best to pack his bags and pointless staying in a relationship he says was over months ago. He said he had only said that in the heat of the moment because we were arguing. Don't know what to believe, my head is in bits.
After this he has been leaving his phone lying around a lot and isn't on it so much now, so our relationship started to improve a lot. But I found myself checking his phone. There was no more porn for over a month, but then that same so called friend of our sent him another image of a women's genitals. I wanted to know if my husband would tell me the truth about this and I asked him if he had heard anything from the friend. He replied no only happy new year. Again I was upset that he blatantly was lying to me. I told him that I had seen the pic and called him a lying, throwing my wedding rings away and telling him I wanted him to leave. I sobbed and have never felt so down in my entire life. He told me I had problems in my head and that I was blowing it all out of proportion. Later on my husband showed me that he replied and asked this friend again to stop it because he know he was getting him into trouble. As this was the second time this friend had been asked to stop sending it, I then messaged his wife to ask if she could speak with him and ask him to stop because it was causing so many arguments between us. She replied and told me that she totally agreed and wanted their chat site stopped herself, that I was a good person who had been thro far too much already and that she would speak to him. This friend then messaged my husband and said his wife had been told and had gone nuts. He then blocked me on messenger.
I have tried hard to improve our relationship as I understand that because I was feeling so down after the miscarriages and ectopic that maybe I wasn't so switched onto his needs. Our relationship has started to improve and we do have some happy times now, but I still find myself overcome with feeling up-set, hurt and sometimes questioning the trust between us.
Is it normal for married men to act in this way and view porn? Am I over-reacting? Any advice would be great - thanks.