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My hubby is addicted to porn - should I stay?

37 replies

Newmamma789 · 05/02/2018 13:58

I need some advice. A year ago I found pornographic images on my husbands phone - he's been using them for masturbation. Originally I wasn't bothered, he told me it was nothing to do with me or our relationship and all guys did it. I believed him.

However, in amongst these images were photos of a girl that he worked with. She was 21, very attractive and saw him as a 'big brother', she asked him relationship advice etc. My husband is 36. She puts very suggestive images on Facebook which he had saved. He told me this was a coincidence and someone sent him the images which had automatically saved Confused

A few months later I find more images. Hundreds in fact, all of women from online sites. What hurt me was that there were also images of people we knew. My neighbour, my friends, and again the young girl he worked with, all saved from Facebook. When I confronted him he told me that he was addicted to pornography and masturbation. It was so bad that he was doing it in work, and it was interfering with his life in a huge way.

Because these had now crossed the line, in my opinion, from fantasy to reality, using people that I know and speak to, I felt humiliated and cheated. At this time, we also have a seven week old baby. Thinking of my daughter and wanting her to be brought up in a happy home, I support him on the condition that he gets help. He goes to see a therapist who tells him that he has a high sex drive, that he needs to talk to me more about his needs and gives him some exercises to regain control. This was one session, he was informed that he didn't need any more sessions.

I ask for marriage sessions because I'm struggling to trust me, he tells me he will book them but it never happens.

Over the next few months things seem to be ok. But I check his phone and find that his history is always cleared. One day I'm sure he is looking at porn on his phone while my five month old baby is asleep next to him. But without proof I don't want to cause arguments.

And then we arrive at Saturday. I check his phone and find that he's been looking at images of the young girl he worked with again via Facebook. There are 52 images all of her, combined with his ex girlfriend, my friends and my sister. I feel physically sick and so stupid. I'm drained.

Although he hasn't actually cheated on me, I really feel he has. I don't trust him and being around him makes me feel sick. He admitted that he was looking at porn around our daughter too - so this is a serious problem. He is too ashamed to talk to anyone about it.

I really love him, he is a wonderful man, hard working and so kind. This is just so out of character and out of control. He's like a stranger to me. But after a year of checking phones and wondering what he's doing, I'm drained and I'm tired. I just want to be happy, raise my daughter and I think I would now be better alone. It breaks my heart that my daughter, who we were told we would never have, may have to grow up in a broken home. But I really don't think I can ever trust him again. I feel this is the last step before he has a full on affair.

Do you think I'm being overly sensitive? Thanks for your views.

OP posts:
DenPerry · 06/02/2018 14:25

Porn- okay in moderate use... but what he's doing is disgusting. Really really wrong. There's something up in his head that he needs to get sorted before you can be together again. Or maybe he needs some kind of medication as his testosterone levels could be out of control. I'm only saying that as my brother was the same, was watching porn all day and sleeping with someone different several times a week, I lost my brother during that time (we lived together) as all he could focus on sex. Was moody and aggressive. He started medication and I got my lovely brother back.

MsP0b · 06/02/2018 14:31

I think you've been really brave, honest with yourself and done the right thing.
Congratulations on your lovely new daughter and all the very best to you both. You'll find trust and happiness in the future xx

LesisMiserable · 06/02/2018 14:37

It depends whether you see him as an addict or just a sleaze. Is porn addiction any different to gambling or drinking?

sassymuffin · 06/02/2018 16:21

Well done OP I think you have made a wise decision.

There are two totally separate issues here.

  1. The porn addiction
  2. Downloading non pornographic images of family and friends and wanking over them - I assume the pictures of your sister and his work friend are not pornographic as they are on Facebook. So the are just pictures of them on a night out or on holiday etc.

If he is addicted to be in a state of constant arousal by viewing sexual and non sexual material then I would say there is some type of sex addiction and not porn addiction.

He needs to seek urgent help if he is unable to regulate the addiction to the extent he is viewing pornographic material while in sole charge of his baby. I know you are unable to prove this happened but the fact you suspect it has occurred is horrifying This is completely inappropriate, what if he continued viewing porn in your child's presence when they were a verbal 2/3/4 year old? If a responsible adult became aware of this they would quite rightly flag this up as a child protection issue.

His behaviour has crossed the line of acceptable by anyone's standards.

Lovely456 · 06/02/2018 16:27

Well done for realising your worth op, You have done the absolute right thing.

RidingWindhorses · 06/02/2018 16:31

I can't tell her the real reason why as I know she will make it very difficult for him be around my daughter, which I don't ever want

If so she would have a point. You believe him to have watched porn around the baby, how can you be sure he will not continue to do so?

If it really is an addiction rather than massive self indulgence, he may not be able to control it. And watching porn around kids is a sex offence.

I would want to be 100% sure that he was never likely to try to watch when DD is around before I let him have one in one time with her. For that he needs a proper treatment programme.

Emmageddon · 06/02/2018 16:33

Well done for getting shot of him, but do tell your mum the reason why you have separated. Don't let anyone paint you as the bad guy in all this. Your husband is a sleaze and I bet, if any of the unwitting participants in his wank fodder library knew what he was doing with their photographs, they would be livid.

RidingWindhorses · 06/02/2018 16:34

He needs to seek urgent help if he is unable to regulate the addiction to the extent he is viewing pornographic material while in sole charge of his baby. I know you are unable to prove this happened but the fact you suspect it has occurred is horrifying This is completely inappropriate, what if he continued viewing porn in your child's presence when they were a verbal 2/3/4 year old? If a responsible adult became aware of this they would quite rightly flag this up as a child protection issue.

Just seen this, totally agree.

I think you need to get your head round the seriousness of this asap OP.
It doesn't just impact you it impacts your DD.

Annabelle4 · 06/02/2018 16:40

Imagine how violated your sister, neighbour etc would feel if they knew that he had saved their pictures from social media and used them to masturbate to Sad

OP, you've done the right thing Flowers

LemonysSnicket · 06/02/2018 16:50

I think masturbation is fine.

Masturbation at work, viewing it near your daughter and especially wankingn over people you know without their knowledge or consent ( your SISTER??) is vile.

I’d leave him. And I don’t often say that

DrCoconut · 06/02/2018 17:35

I'm in the process of divorcing my "D"H over sex addiction issues. It's sleazy and horrible and grounds for divorce - unreasonable behaviour. In our case it spilled from fantasy into real life and my STBXH is possibly looking at being charged with a sex offence (to cover my back in case anyone knows me it is alleged at the moment, innocent until proven guilty in court etc). He'd promised to stop, get help etc before but it just got worse. I don't think he's sorry now, just upset he got caught. You're well rid.

AngelsSins · 06/02/2018 19:00

He said that these were fantasies that he would never act upon and that as a men, the two things aren't connected, which is different to women.

I do love it when men explain womenhood to a woman Hmm

OP you've done the right thing, and I really think you should tell your mum, or at least tell her, when she's banging on about how great he is, that she should remember that she doesn't know everything about him or your relationship.

I've spent too much time on porn sick men, they're selfish creatures only interested in their own pleasure. Well done you for putting your foot down and not putting up with his Pervy, creepy behaviour. You deserve better.

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