Worried about DH's anger and general behaviour

[trickytrixie]

Feel like my relationship with DH is ailing. I had a bad year last year suffering with depression and felt like I was getting back on track. Then at the beginning of the year he told me he had arranged 3 separate weekends away without me (sport, gigs etc) with male friends. He had been meaning to ask/tell me but hadn't. I felt really let down - our 3 kids are between 10 and 16 and still need lots of parenting! Plus it's just thoughtless not to consider me. We had a talk after I had been upset and he promised to sharpen up his behaviour.

We have hard times at meal times because he is a stickler for table manners and cannot eat without picking the kids up on how they are eating.
This week however he flipped when one of the kids said 'Jesus Christ' at the table and he flicked their head with his hand quite hard (it was more a shock than painful, but completely out of order).

Then this weekend he was asking one of the kids about their food - why they were playing with it (this child has issues with food and I try to make mealtimes as light as possible and never focus on what they are eating or not eating). So I put my hand on DH's leg to say 'just leave it' and again he exploded, shouted at me and smacked my leg. I reacted and he continued to shout finally telling me I owed him an apology (all in front of kids).

He has since calmed down and told me that he believes he has anger management issues. I am not sure how I feel about him any more. Our relationship previously was good (we have been together for 18 years). I just don't really know what to do.

How did you respond to his 'anger issues' statement? Is he acting on this, looking for classes / help? That would be the decider for me to be honest. Having the issues is one thing, but if he's expecting you to just accept it, I'd be making him leave.

I would also talk to your children, explain which table manners you expect, and reassure them that your H's outburst is more about him than them.

How do you feel about him now?.

I am glad to read that you are yourself getting back on track after the tough year; what though were the roots causes of your depressed state?.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours does he still meet?. He sounds like he is calling all the shots here and expects all you people to comply.

Do not let the sunken costs fallacy in relationship bog you down further here; that can simply cause people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

I think he has a problem with anger; your anger when you call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. If he is doing that then he does not have anger management problems; he is behaving like this to exert power and control over you and using the "I need anger management" as an excuse for his own poor behaviours.

What's he like with other people; I bet you he is not anywhere near as volatile at work or in polite company.

I guess as well that he is still going on these three weekends away too. Where is your time off and or otherwise away from the children, ah let me guess there is no time for you.

That must have been really horrible for you trickytrixie 😥 that would send off alarm bells if it was me . My DH can sometimes be similar at mealtimes - he just becomes a bit more controlling than I think is normal and gets easily worked up if the kids aren't eating correctly / using cutlery correctly etc which has made some mealtimes a bit fraught . (You might see my post from earlier about my situation - I'm no stranger to this type of behaviour but mine has never done anything physical as a response , which is the worrying thing for you I imagine ) The fact that he pulled you up when you got involved - and infront of the kids is also worrying and totally not acceptable . I suppose it's a good thing that he has acknowledged his behaviour afterwards , but the question now is what is he going to do about that and will similar happen again ? I hope you don't have to have many more mealtimes sat anxiously anticipating his outbursts . I can't think what's best to suggest except don't let him sweep it under the carpet as meaningless or a one off because (a) it wasn't and (b) I'd guess it's unlikely to be . You're right to be weary . Good luck - hope you and your children don't have to endure that again x

I don't know how I feel about him. Quite numb really and just like I am walking on eggshells at the moment. We have had friends here for the last 24hrs since he lost it at lunch yesterday so haven't been able to talk about it. He did send me a text saying he was sorry and he would get help and that he thought his father had been the same. My eldest has asked me if I am OK - clearly she saw the whole thing and could see that he was out of order by a long way..

He sounds aggressive and that's going to have an impact on your children and you. Not sounding great really.

I don't think he's sorry. I don't think he's serious about dealing with his behaviour. But only time will tell - he needs to start booking an anger management course now. He needs to start considering your needs when booking his time away with his mates. And you need to start thinking about what you will do if he isn't serious about stopping his selfish, aggressive behaviour.

At least he's accepted it's his fault and apologised. Next step is to apologise to the kids ad well.

Then counselling for his anger.

I think it would be better for all of your family if your H moved out whilst seeking help and didn't come back until he had stopped being abusive and selfish. Then, when you have had a year or so of living peacefully, you can decide if you would even want him back.

Wait... he hit his child on the head? And hit you? This is domestic violence OP. You can't help him with this, I'm really sorry but you can't.

This will escalate, this is not a safe situation for you. I don't detect any real sense of urgency to your words? Do you think this is going to get better, it really isn't??

Please speak to your GP and think about reaching out to Women's Aid.

My ex used to be obsessed about the kids eating with their mouth open. I watched, the older one def wasn't and the younger one was a toddler but he would still make mealtimes horrific. I got rid, there is no need to put up with control freaks and he can control his anger, he's choosing not to.

He has a violence problem. Does he hit people at work? Or does he just have this ‘anger problem’ with his wife and child?

That would give me a complex about food, Ngl. He needs some counselling and anger management classes.

Also tbh, I’d eat separately, it clearly stresses him out.

Lemony, if she and the kids eat separately so that they don't annoy him, he will be annoyed about something else. And the kids will learn that it's normal to have to tiptoe round an angry man to avoid being hit.

About 4 years ago, my previously very laid back and cheerful husband became angry and aggressive. Nothing any of us did was right and it seriously affected our relationship. Eventually I persuaded him to see a doctor and it turned out he had had Type 2 diabetes for some time, which can be associated with mood changes . Now his meds are sorted out he is back to his normal self, but I can still tell if he is late taking them. He never hit us though. That makes a huge difference. And obviously not every violent man is sick, some are just violent arseholes.

So maybe there is a medical problem, but there is definitely a safety problem and toptoeing around him isn't going to help. Maybe he "just" needs help with his anger, but I think he needs to leave the house while he gets it.

I went out this evening to have dinner with friends on my road but came home in time to say goodnight to the kids. The house seems calm but I can't face talking to him. Our last proper conversation was me telling him yesterday I would not stand for him shouting at me or hitting me (ok just a slap on the legs but still) in front of the kids. He then sent the text. Nothing since. I cannot imagine asking him to leave the house. He is normally a very good man but this table manners thing has spiralled out of control. The weekends away is him being selfish and thoughtless but not meaning to upset me. Plus I think stress/caffeine put him over the edge. But I am worried because I almost don't want to fight for it/him. And I don't want the kids to be around him if he is likely to lose his temper like that again.