Is there a way to get over these feelings, dominant exH

[Tenpenny]

Ive posted before about my now exH, he was emotionally abusive, had no respect for me, cheated more than once and i told him to leave after i found out for the second time.
Divorce came through last week, I initially I was so relieved and almost like a chapter had finished, but now I've just crashed.
I had to speak to him on the phone the other day about his new shifts at work and how he will have to re-jig the days he spends with our dd. He has always been very dominant and controlling about this but we have come to an agreement which works for the pair of us. Working this out with him has been draining, as my attempts to be fair as I saw it have always been undermined or made to sound unreasonable. In this phone call he also lamented the "sexist" women who work for the CMS who he put complaints in about, as apparently they had treated him unfairly she he could barely afford to pay his rent (he went on two holidays abroad, however), and said "oh are we divorced now? I wasn't sure. I signed a document and returned it to your solicitor last year, didn't he get it?" My solicitor hasn't received anything from him at all, ever. He then went on to say that when dd is a bit older, she will naturally want to spend most of her time at his house so he will give her a key. This was all stuff he went off tangents about while discussing his new shifts.
I wrapped up the call and just sobbed - the divorce i saved up to pay for and which still causes me pain was just nothing to him, barely had meaning, and he lied about signing for it. He is blind to the hypocrisy of taking his girlfriend (the one that ended our marriage) on holiday TWICE while being too poor to afford child maintenance for 5 months. On top of all this, he makes me feel like he is slowly taking dd away from me, dominating discussion about her arrangements and saying she will just be spending more time with him as she grows (she is 6).
I feel like he is the big bad wolf in my life and nothing will ever change that. He makes me feel powerless and small. i feel minimised in every way and just dont know how to get on with my life without his shadow over me, making me doubt myself as a mother AND as just a person with value - he makes me feel like my life ASA mother to dd doesn't matter, neither to him nor to her

Does anyone understand this, and how to you get over it? Does it just take time? I've hit a real low.

Hello there

I don't post on here very often, but I have had a similar experience, no cheating and I was the one who ended things, but I have a similar ex, with ongoing issues.

It does get better. It gets better when you begin to build yourself back up again in both a practical and emotional sense and find your own lines and rules which you can use as a reference point.

There are a few issues there in your post so I'll start by trying to address the simplest ones first.

1. The affect of your divorce on you and your ex. For starters, we all only really know what is going on inside our own heads, not other people's. You can take a guess, but that's all it is. A wise lady once told me that one of the big issues in life is that we all spend our time comparing our inner-selves with everyone else's outward projection of themselves, so we always feel we come up short. We don't see the turbulence and turmoil and feelings of self doubt, insecurity which go on behind the outer image, but I absolutely guarantee you that every single person has this going on behind. You don't really know what is going on in your ex's mind about the divorce - you are falling for the image that he is projecting to you. And by the sounds of it, he is trying to emotionally manipulate you with what he is saying. You are no longer a couple - don't look to him for openness from his emotions, you will only get hurt. Close the emotional door and don't open it again. This is self preservation. It gets easier as time goes on, don't underestimate the distance that time can bring, just go easy on yourself in the meantime.

1. Dominance and control around issues with your daughter. This is where boundaries are important. Your own and his. My personal boundaries are that I only consider what is 1) relevant to my DC and 2) entirely in their interests with this at the forefront of your mind at all times. If you ensure this is entirely about your DD then you never have reason to doubt your own decision. My personal preference is to play nice and be understanding and compromising over the small things, and to put my foot down about the larger ones where the outcomes are of some consequence. Well done for negotiating a new arrangement, yes it was tiring, but you did it - don't overlook that and loose it in everything else. Give yourself credit where it is due! Focus on these achievements. And stop caring about whether he thinks you are unreasonable. Why give someone with so little integrity the power to judge your decisions better than you can? Your focus is on your DD now, so that can never steer you wrong.

3. CMS issues - let the CMS handle this entirely, have one statement pre prepared and bore him to death with it. 'The amount is calculated by the CMS, there is no point in discussing it with me because they make the arrangements, is there anything else we need to discuss because I'm late for something fabulous which is about to occur in my jam packed fabulous life'. I understand that it hurts seeing him with his new girlfriend and hearing about them having fun, but the only thing which is relevant to you and that you should care about is that your CM is paid in full on time - this is what the CMS is for, so don't waste your time and energy thinking about what they are doing in their lives or with the rest of their money.

1. Taking your DD away from you. I understand this fear absolutely. He seems to have absolute control so why wouldn't he just take away the most important thing to you and make you suffer for leaving? The answer to this is that she is your daughter, you are her mother; the most important person in the world to her and nothing and no one can or will ever take that bond away from you. It will never happen, as a random stranger on the internet who is not remotely affected by the fear and emotion of your situation I can see that clearly. But what I have said is true, you will never loose her. The best thing to do is to forget about what happens on the other side of her life, support her in it, be supportive of her relationship with her father because you want her to have the best life she can do and having a relationship with her father is good for her. But your focus needs to be on making the time that she is with you the very best that it can be and just enjoying your lives together. You can't change how your ex behaves, or what happens over there, you can just make the relationship that you have with your daughter the very best that it can be, that is what you have control over now that you didn't before. That was the benefit of leaving - enjoy it.

1. He is only a big shadow in your life because you are seeing him that way. You escaped. Your life is your own. Minimise him. You don't even need to talk to him - just email instead. What is holding you back now is the ongoing emotional connection, just cut it and you will notice you are totally free.

Chin up - there are lots of nice people in the world who you now get to choose to let into your life instead of him. I was you 4 years ago and I love my life now, haven't lost my DC (the opposite actually) and have minimised the ex to passing thoughts only - that's in your control, not his.

Good luck, time will make everything better. Honest. x

101trees I have read your incredibly thoughtful, kind reply 3 times. It has made me cry. Thankyou so much, reading that has given me such a needed lift.

Oh no don't cry! It's all true. It will all be fine. Just have faith in yourself and your daughter.

I think the key is to try to remove the emotion from dealing with your ex and focus on finding strategies to manage the difficult aspects of your relationship with him one at a time.

I feel for you - I still have ongoing issues. It's really hard, but it does get easier.

Wish you all the best xx

101trees, that is a wonderfully well articulated, thoughtful and wise post.

OP I could repeat what 101 said, but I wouldn't improve on it.

So I'll just add that, with regard to the "fear" about losing your DD..... she will make her own choices.
As hard as it is, if/when she chooses to spend time with her Dad, let her go.
She will have to figure out your exH for herself- all you can do is support her as she recognises that he is not "perfect Daddy" (

OP, I just wanted to post as I feel exactly the same as you do. I left ExH three years ago and he was very emotionally and verbally abusive, eventually he was also physically and financially so.

I have tried so hard to build myself up again after leaving him, I’ve done the freedom programme, am working and sorting out finances again, and have ongoing DV counselling. But I am still scared of him and terrified he is trying to take my children away.

The reality is that he only sees them in school holidays as he lives 2h away but the feeling of his power over me doesn’t go away. He was such a manipulator I can imaging the children falling for his lines and his promise of everything they could ever want with him.

Next week he has them for half term, he will pick them up from me but will not drop them back to me/their full time home, and expects me to do this. When I called his bluff and said he needed to drop them home to me he simply kept them for longer and they missed a day’s school as a result.

I’ve just found out I have a work trip next week and I am terrified of telling him that just this once I will not be able to pick them up from him. It’s ridiculous for me to feel this way but I guess it just becomes so ingrained.

I just wanted to post so you don’t feel alone in this or feel like you are being weak in anyway. I think it’s entirely normal and hopefully it will ease with time x

Adelica thank you, it is very difficult when dd cries after her leaving her dads house, saying she misses him, and all the while I want to tell her just what a selfish, immature, arrogant man her father actually is, and how poorly he treats her mother. Then I realise that even if she were old enough to know all that, it still wouldn't stop her from loving him - she can never see him through my eyes.

Namechanger - I can feel your fear in your post, i know exactly how you feel. What did the school say when your children returned? That level of selfishness and control is astounding. And yet we are the ones who feel responsible, because they make us feel that way?? It is such a hard thing to recover from.
Thank you for posting, i hope you're able to get peace of mind as well.

Great post 101trees.
OP did he not get fixed access when you go divorced? If not - why not? And if so - then he will need to take you to court to change it won't he.
Try and avoid contact with him. Don't let him in the house - have your daughter ready at the door or maybe meet him locally. As another poster said email him - you don't need to speak to him - is he always changing the access as this could be a form of control?
I hope you have real life support - and yes - well done - he's out of your life most of the time.

Great post, 101trees :) Love MN.

I just wanted to thank 101trees for her post. So insightful

Another one who says great post 101trees. Especially point 1.

2 weeks ago after a horrible exchange with my EA ex about my care of our children when they were ill (it was so ridiculous I am ashamed I responded), I removed him from all social media. He didn't realise until yesterday and now all hell has broken loose. He is being a complete asshole about it. Trying to guilt me, telling me he wont sign on our house so I can get a mortgage and move out of rented accommodation while he lives in our 5 bedroom house. Anyway, I read that post more than once and it helped, so thank you.

Good luck OP.

Hello Mary 1935, no fixed access, at his former job i sorted out an arrangement with my solicitor . This was fine for the best part of a year, until recent job change. He would say I was controlling about it and that he felt he barely saw his own daughter (2 overnights per week, 1 full day at weekend). On a few occasions I would go to collect dd and she would be crying, not wanting to come home. He would carry her to the door like his trophy, saying it was just no good, she didn't want me. So id say, "okay dd, would you like to stay at daddy's another night?" and he would say "well...she can't because im going out" it was all manipulation, control, guilt tripping all the way with him.
He works very varied shifts now, so my solicitor told me the best thing to do was come to an agreement between ourselves and for me to stick to my guns if i felt bullied. ExH does not want me to involve solicitor, so has been forced to be reasonable with me.
He has refused all along to bring dd home after spending time with her, so ive just gotten on with it. We live fairly close to each other. I only communicate with him via text, and nothing else gets discussed other than dd. He has always tried to get into discussions about access when im at his door, and I've always nipped it in the bud as much as possible. He like a to get away from my door as quick as he can when he comes to collect her. But tries to keep me at his
I communicate with him as little as is possible in our situation..and still i feel like he is on my back! Its because of this recent phone call, it went on for too long.
He actually tried to add his mother into our child access arrangement - he gave her a few hours one evening every week, said she would collect dd from me, and if i didn't like it, he would pay a childminder to collect dd from school and take her to his mothers instead! This is the kind of bizarre demands and outbursts I've dealt with since we parted. It was so he didn't have to share too much of his time with dd with his family...
Pudding 21 that is bizarre behaviour as well, why are these men so thoughtless and careless?? Why do they think it is okay to make our lives a misery, i just don't understand it

I've really gone on a bit there, sorry all

I've been there too - some of your conversations OP could've happened with my ex wanker!

They're too dim. That's all.

Koko x

Its actually just happened again Koko. He has asked me if I will pick dd up from his house early one day next week as otherwise he would be going in the opposite direction to his job. Im 10 minutes up the road, he doesnt put himself out, not one bit!
He also accepts lifts from his mother to drive the few minutes to school if there's a bit of rain. Otherwise they might get a bit wet. I said to him,buy dd some wellies for at your house, in case its raining and she doesnt have them with her. He said he is offered lifts so takes them instead.
I just cant relate to his way of thinking and am embarrassed we were ever married.

I just cant relate to his way of thinking and am embarrassed we were ever married

That is me too! That goodness we got out and didn't spend the rest of our lives with these twats.

The control is now a much smaller part of our lives - 5-10% instead of the 100% it once was.

My DDs are staying with their dad next week. It was his birthday mid-Jan, they wanted to see him and he said no, too busy for the next 3 weekends and will see them at half term. DD2 was heartbroken. Now they are going, she is excited and has asked if she can buy him a present. She would like to get him an alarm clock, because she has one, and because daddy stays in bed all morning and never gets up.

It's infuriating. We can only hope as they grow they will come to realise which parent has been there for them. It's very sad to think that they will never realise how selfish their dad is.

101trees your post is amazing, I have re-read it and keep coming back to it. thank you.

Watching this thread with interest, and may post later

I feel genuinely chuffed that people found that ramble useful.

Halfpenny, it sounds like things were working OK and this change in circumstances with the shift patterns have stirred things up again.

Perhaps it's time to go to mediation and get all the stray points which you are disagreeing on straightened out at once?

I think with difficult exes who like to push boundaries it is easier to sort it out with someone else in the room so they have to behave and play nice. Once you have your lines it is easier because all you have to do is hold them there, rather than having to fight it out each time. You have the benefits of having a formalised arrangement in place which keeps everyone in line and on track. You could agree there that if things need to be altered it can be done through mediation only - this would get him off your back.

I also think there is a lot to be said for facing the issues head on, then you don't have to keep fearing outcomes.

I suppose my point about putting DC at the forefront of considerations and decisions is relevant to the feeling of wanting them to see your ex for who they are. In the long term, we all draw our identity from our parents to some extent, it would be better for them not to see how awful one of their parents is, it would break their little hearts to really understand the pain that one of their parents inflicted on the other and cause them a lot of inner turmoil.

IMO the best thing to do is stop fearing them being corrupted and losing them because if your focus is on providing the best home and family for them that you can then there is no reason for them to ever doubt you as a parent - no matter what anyone ever makes them think.

Often I think the stable, reliable, consistent parent feels overlooked by the child - but it is because they never doubt or question that you are there for them that they don't have the same overt expression that they might for a parent who is inconsistent or less emotionally available. Your love for them is a given - as it should be, so why do they need to really think about it? It's a sign you are doing something right with them.

I cant even bear to arrange mediation and bring it all up again, although i did consider it. For now, I feel like there is a semblance of a new routine forming that we will no doubt get used to all over again.
You're very wise 101trees, you're giving people a lot of help and peace of mind here x

101 I really appreciate your post too, far from rambling. So helpful to read, thank you.

Tenpenny My best to you, I am treading a similar path and it's exhausting. Hopefully we will get there x

101 there you go again, being all coherent and stuff.
That last, recent paragraph summarises what I tried to inelegantly say.

The stable, reliable, consistent parent feels overlooked by the child - but it is because they never doubt or question that you are there for them

OP this is what I try to aim for with my DC.... that I am the consistent, reliable, stable one. I have no doubt that mine will cleave to their father at some point, but I've chosen to trust that, by letting them go, they will come back to me in the long run.

Ha. Thanks Andelica. Totally agree with what you've said. I guess I see it more as focussing on my own relationship with DC and letting everything else roll off, rather than letting them go, but it's the same thing I think.

It's a strategy which has so far worked for me. Long may it last.