DH is cheating on me. What do I do next?

[GrumpyGreta]

Hacked into his phone and found loads of messages. He doesn't know I know. Not sure but I'd say it's the second time he's done this.

We have 2 DC (8 and 6), a mortgage, I have a low paid job and he supports me.

WTF do I do next? LTB obviously but I need to prepare, I can't just walk out with DC!

HELP!

I don't really know what to say. Didn't want to read and run. But whatever you do make sure it's what you want and what is right for you and your children. Sorry your partner is putting you through this xx

So sorry you're having to go through this :( Do you have any friends/family who can help you? xx

Make a copy of all your financial documents. Do you have access to cash?

Would he be willing to go stay with family or a friend?

Start getting your ducks in a row. Someone will point you to the guide, but essentially - know where you stand in financial terms. Gather all the documentation you can. Are you named on the mortgage? Also make sure you have proof of the evidence. Screenshots or photos of the messages and dates. Sorry you are in this situation.

If the house is half yours, do NOT leave it. He will have to find somewhere.

Someone wiser will be along in a mo.

But I'd be packing his bags, and not going anywhere, you're married, which is great, the house is half yours.

He'll have to support the children, and you'll get help as a single parent if you need it.

I'm so sorry though, what a bastard.

Have you told anyone in RL?

I'm sorry.

Glad you're not thinking of sorting it out - second time? No chance - he's a loser.

First thing, think finances. Do you have access to all bank accounts? Savings?

Do you know and have proof of all financial details? - his payslips, pension details? Get these sorted.

Basically you will need as much proof of assets as possible.

He doesn't support you. The family money and assets support you, just as much as him. He could easily be the lower earner depending on career, opportunities, education! But - let me guess- the reason your job is lower paid isn't because of any of those things, is it - it will be because you've taken the earnings hit in order to have and care for your JOINT children. Yes? So, haha to 'him' supporting you. No. The family money is as much yours as the family children are also his.

If you're primary carer, then the default will be that you stay in the home and he goes. Basically - the main people a court will care about are the children, and if you're the one doing the grunt work with them it's you that will stay with them, not him. He may refuse to leave in the interim of course. But eventually either you will get the home OR you will have to sell, with more funds going to you a. as the children are likely to live with you and b. you have less earning potential than him in the future thanks to said career sacrifices.

One thing I would not do is leave the house. A friend did, got it back eventually via court as she was in the same position as you. But it cost her thousands in rent and then putting the house back together after he trashed it when he was eventually made to hand it over.

It's all workable - the thing for now is to get as much detail on finances as possible. Then confront and ask him to leave. How you do this depends on him, you, the situation! Do you know who OW is and do you have hte means to contact her/her H? That might get him out...

I know everyone always says that you don't need proof and you can leave for any reason, but I would screenshot the messages. Then when he deletes them and tries to make out that you are mad for thinking he's having an affair, you have them to produce.

Also to show anyone if he tries the 'she's thrown me out of the house FOR NO REASON' to his family/friends. It shouldn't matter, I know, but sometimes it's just good to have that reassurance that it isn't 'just you'.

Don't confront him until you have gathered everything you need. Just act normal (as hard as that is) in the meantime.

Copy all documentation on mortgage, salary, pension, savings, debts, accounts, bank statements etc. Do you have your own bank account? Do you have access to cash? Are children of benefits in your name?

Take screenshots or photos of the messages and any other proof of the affair (you may or may not need this)

Book an appointment at a solicitor (they often offer first appointment free)

When you have all your ducks in a row, pack his things and kick him out.

*child benefits

Collect up all official documents that are yours and DC especially birth and marriage Certs and passports

Open a bank account COMPLETELY separate from him (inc different banking group) as otherwise you may be subject to it being frozen.

Get child benefit, tax credits, utility bills transferred to your name if not already the case. With benefits make sure they're paid into the new account.

Withdraw at least 50% of money from any joint accounts.

Gather info on his income inc pension/shares.

Pp are right DO NOT leave home.

Check what benefits you can get when he leaves via eg entitledto site. Amounts not always accurate but which benefits is. This then let's you know which agencies to contact to get application forms for these. While you cannot claim until you officially split you can get the forms and start filling in and collecting evidence required which can take time.

When he leaves inform school so they can support DC and you. Also so you can be clear who is meant to be collecting them which days, update emergency contact info, if you choose it may be easier for them to send him letters re parents eve etc

Controversial but I'd also advise he hand over keys to house when he moves out. I've known of several situations where the ex has entered the former marital home and taken furniture, valuable items even money, also planted spying equipment.

Be careful what you say and how you say it, put nothing in writing (inc texts) that can backfire. Seems easy now not so easy once emotions are running high.

Look after yourself re eating, sleeping, stress and don't hesitate to go to dr if you start to feel you're struggling.

Sorry you're going through this

Screen shot the messages and send them to yourself, make sure you delete from the sent folders and if possible send them to a 3rd party (one of us if necessary!) so that if he hacks into your account and deletes them they exist somewhere else (bitter experience!)

Take out some cash from joint accounts, my ex cleared out our accounts leaving me with nothing.

Photocopy all legal docs - passports, birth certs, mortgage, bank account statements, everything.

Only once everything is done should you approach him about it. Currently you have time and the upper hand, as soon as you put this in the open there is no telling how he'll react.

I wouldn't say to him that you have read his and her messages, take a photo of them all with your phone and email the photos to yourself. I would tell him that the ow contacted you and told you about their affair. I don't condone lies but this would really fuck with his head when he asks the ow why she would do such a thing

I am so sorry that you are going through this,

Re solicitor - ask friends who've been through this for recommendations. Not all solicitors are good and remember you can change to another if the one you start with isn't so good.

If you know anyone that works in a solicitors they usually know who's good too

No don't make up any lies, they'll be used against you if it goes to court.

Occams - while I like that idea I would go with something like "a little bird told me" have him doubting everyone who knew inc ow

Get your documents together and put them somewhere safe:

Passports
Certificates - birth, marriage
Bank statements
Wage slips
Insurance documents- life, Home, car etc
Car log book
Details of any investments - savings, shares, any additional properties etc
Copies of any existing wills (you need to flag this up - if anything happens to you he may we’ll get it all, so get this changed ASAP)
Utility bills
Council tax

Keep everything safe- can you give them to family/friends?

Have a look at this website:

www.entitledto.co.uk

It will give you an idea of what you’re entitled to

Get screen shots of everything and make several copies. Keep them safe.

Solicitor ASAP, and get things moving (file for divorce etc).

If you’re strong enough to do this before you tell him then that’s great. If you can’t then don’t beat yourself up over it

I’m so sorry you’re going through this

Oh yes to 'a little bird'

'Let's just say you aren't as discreet as you thought you were, and sadly perhaps also your friends aren't as loyal as you thought they might have been.' And smile.

Quite useful to throw him something like that to really knock him off beam while you have 'the chat'.

Thanks everyone, knew i could count on mn for help!

Not told anyone in RL, my family are my best friends and don't want to put them in the position of having to fake it with him yet. My closest friends are mutual and not 100% if their loyalty will lie with him or me.

Know a very good divorce solicitor but they are family too so want to hang on before I get advice there, but at least it won't be too expensive and i know they'll do everything possible to get the best deal for me.

Thankfully I deal with all the paperwork, don't think he'd even know where to look. Will start collecting things now. The house is in joint names.

Joint a/c only has enough in it to cover the bills each month. We both have internet access to it so would need to get his access stopped as I can imagine him taking out money as soon as I put it in. I have my own completely separate a/c already.

I'm self employed and going through the process of getting a loan for my business, the loan will be secured on the house so need his cooperation to sign paperwork etc, another reason why I don't want to rush into things. I need to do this as then i think i can be self sufficient financially. Just not sure if he will have rights to my business so need to research that.

Will stash passports etc as he isn't British and I'm worried he will take the kids and leave the country.

I know the OW though not well. Would be easy enough to say someone told me. Think she's married too.

Actually feel like he's punched me in the stomach. What a cunt. I think he still loves me, I just feel sick, knowing he's kissing me after kissing her makes my stomach turn. What a waste of 10 years of my life. Not even shed a tear which I'm pleased about. That will come I'm sure.

Store all documents ELECTRONICALLY on Google docs, Dropbox etc, rather than paper on on email.

Do not base your decision on finances. Take it from me (this happened to me!) U will be fine!
First thing I did was go to citizen's advice. Absolute best decision ever. I was afraid I'd lose my home, paying the mortgage on my own etc, a huge burden. They advised me to claim tax credits on top on my self employed income and that of my little part time job. It was the difference between me losing my house and ending up taking on a 170k mortgage on my own with three small children. People don't realise but lenders often take benefits into account.
Slight difference here is that I'd bn self employed for 3 years so had accounts to show the bank but every case is different.

Fast forward 2 years, I have now met and bought a property with an amazing man who has restores my faith in the opposite sex.
I have a child maintenance agreement whereby he pays a ridiculously small amount for the kids. But he HAS to pay.
He conversely is struggling to pay for his mid life crisis and I am laughing watching his sorry life unfold.
I'm applying for my divorce on Valentine's Day (how fitting!) and I have well and truly moved on.

It's bloody awful at first Hun,but I promise u, my ex meeting his little bit on the side (20 years his junior by the way) was the best thing that ever happened to me!
Good luck!

Yes, stash passports OUT OF THE HOUSE - can you rent a safe deposit box? - and also put a flag on them - ie an alert that they might be an abduction risk. Don't know whether you can flag up his details for this too?

He isn't British - how long has he been here, do you think he would leave? What country?

You presumably can't stop his access to the account without him finding out. I'd keep it as it is for now, but perhaps cancel any of your money going into it automatically - re-route it (eg child benefit) into your account, from which you can make individual payments if you choose to. This just in case there's a delay in stopping payments in and they continue to go in and he swipes the cash. Also, look at the overdraft limit - he could run up and overdraft and disappear and you'd be liable, so speak to the bank about this.

Not sure about the business and loan - speak to the bank! - definitely sounds as if you need to sort this out before you make any move.

Would be worth reading Citizens Advice website about splitting up. It’s in the Family section on their home page.