I have name changed for this. And i am sorry it's long...
DH and I had a horrible row last night, to set the scene we had had a lovely weekend, tensions were not high, all was well. Unfortunately when tidying up after DCs in bed I broke something by accident that meant something to him (not valuable) but let's say similar to a beautifully designed and iced cake (so a few hours of work and can't be easily repaired!) It was an accident and of course I immediately apologised. He was really angry. I understood his anger however reminded him it was an accident and that he TOLD me to pick it up and move it and that if it meant that much he should have moved it himself (I had asked him twice to move it as was worried it was precarious). I kept re-iterating it was an accident, that I was sorry and that he should have moved himself. He was absolutely fuming and in the end I just got really pissed off because he wouldn't accept that if he had moved it himself it might have not broken and if it had have done I would not be to blame.
The row escalated because he just kept shouting at me to 're-make it, fix it, tidy up etc etc) but really angrily, storming around. I was flabbergasted as it seemed a bit of an overreaction and I felt annoyed he hadn't just moved the flaming thing.
In the end various insults were thrown and he point blank kept saying 'I told you not not to touch it' which was an outright lie but I think he was so angry he had lost touch with what was going on. This made me see red because I am sure he told me to. Anyhow it ended in up both swearing at each other and calling each other names. He often swears when he is angry (not at me but generally in life, I rarely do because of the DCs) but this was something else. He called me something I found really offensive and hurtful and in response to being called it I pushed him (and said how dare you) and threw a box of stuff on the floor in frustration.
I know this is all wrong and ridiculous. I left the room at this point because I knew how angry I was and that the name calling had taken us to a new place...
Half an hour later we apologised but didn't really say anything more. At bedtime there was a short discussion (i was crying) were he said 'what's up now?' and I said I was hurt and upset because of such a nasty argument. He said we may as well forget about it, it was stupid, he was angry and that he 'often swears when angry'. I can sort of see this but feel this name calling and me reacting by pushing him takes us to a new level. I don't know what to do. Things are 'weird' today because I am hurt/feeling sad and he is giving me the cold shoulder. He does this and I get that he is less able to 'make up' than me. I like to come together and make each other feel better but he often takes a day or two to come around after an argument. He did give me a hug last night and I know he will feel bad but I feel that it's all a bit of a mess and I'm not sure who should be apologising for what. Clearly we were both out of order.
For the record we rarely argue, maybe a couple of times a year like this (not usually name calling but swearing and raised voices) and then little arguments which would be about driving or similar so not (IMO) that serious. Otherwise he's a very nice and kind gentle man. Neither of us are violent / aggressive people but I feel sometimes he has some anger issues. I have mentioned to him before that small things e.g spilling a pint of milk or similar tip him over the edge, he will swear and shout about things even in front of the kids and I often ask him not to as I think it's unnecessary. He says he can't help it.
I know other than the above we have a good relationship, we have been happy for 10 years so I don't want to leave, I just want to know if anyone has any tips for working through a.) this situation but b.) stopping such rows escalating like this in future. I think i am equally to blame in that he always says I don't know when to stop / going on and on in an argument over the same thing (which I think I do) which drives him to become even angrier.