Dh's family

[Dobbythesockelf]

Sorry if this is long and sorry it's about in-laws.
Me and my dh have been together 11 years, married 6 and have a 3 year old dd and I'm 20 weeks pregnant atm. I have always had trouble getting on with his family over the years, it's a very volatile family, lots of claims of closeness but a lot of drinking, drugs and sometimes even violence. Everyone is expected to go to his grandparents every week without fail, if you do something that his mother and auntie don't like you get bitched about and shunned next time you see them. We moved away about 8 years ago so luckily don't have to deal with them too much.
I was able to cope with them 2/3 times a year all was well until my dd was born, I was ill after her birth and my mil came to stay to help out, it was horrible, she would moan that I was breastfeeding, call me selfish cause she wanted to help feed her 1st grandchild. My dh asked her to leave after a few days. I kept things civil but she's very good at making snide remarks and been quite nasty but does it when nobody else is round. It used to leave me in tears when we visited and I started suffering with panic attacks which I hadn't had since my teens.
2 years ago some of his family including his parents rented a holiday home from my parents for two weeks, in this time they invited loads of people round which invalidated my parents insurance and broke some things. My parents asked them to leave after the 1st week. My parents were silly enough to let them stay after only getting half the payment with the understanding they would pay the rest by the end of the month. This money never materialised and my parents were left out of pocket. Me and dh were obviously mortified and it spurred me to decide to no longer have anything to do with them. My dh still talks to them but he takes dd to visit alone etc.
Now I'm pregnant he has been asking how it's going to work, he won't be able to take the baby for long periods as I will hopefully be breastfeeding but I really dont want them coming to ours while I'm vulnerable. I had a horrible experience with dd so I'm finding it all very tough anyway and the idea of having to host people that have lied about me, being nasty towards me just fills me with dread. What do I do?

Your DH can choose to have a relationship with his dysfunctional family of origin if he wants to but it does not mean that you or any of your children should meekly follow. They were not good parents to him when he was growing up and such people do not change. He is likely to have his own fear, obligation and guilt feelings along with inertia re his parents and that is not helping him or you for that matter here either. He still has something to do with them.

What does he think of his family of origin these days, does he still on some level think that they are going to either say a fulsome sorry or change (neither scenario will happen). They have been nasty to you, he in turn and your parents.

I would maintain, further strengthen and reaffirm your boundaries with your H and his relations as and when necessary. You do not have to let his parents or any of his relations into your home. I think its also a bad idea for your DD to see his parents in any case given their behaviours and it also sends mixed messages to your child. Would he or you for that matter put up with this from a friend, he would not. Family are no different.

Would suggest you read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward as a starting point.

He has an arms length relationship with them if that makes sense. He doesn't phone them, they phone him, when he visits it's for a short time. I think he definitely feels obligated to see them as they are very forceful with their idea of family, he doesn't really get on with them and has nothing in comment with them.
They lied to him throughout his childhood about who his real father was among other things. He is often made to feel like a bad person cause he moved away etc. I don't think he thinks they will apologise as they never have before, since the age of 17 he has bailed them out of situations many times e.g. paying their rent etc and they have never thanked him. They make nasty comments about his job, the fact we own a house etc I think it all stems from him breaking away from the mould a little bit.
I think I will have to have another conversation with him about it as I don't want this hanging over our heads with a new baby.

If they want to see the baby that badly they can book in to a local B&B for a night and your DH can pop round for a couple of hours with little one while you have a nap (and, more importantly, don't get bitched/sniped at or reinforce their belief that you owe them anything more).

If they wanted to be welcomed into other peoples homes then they'd learn to behave like civilised adults. It's not your responsibility to compensate for their inadequacies.

You don't have to host anyone.

Yeah I know I don't have to host them. But I suppose I feel guilty that I'm standing in the way as it were. In my head I know logically they are not nice people, that they will twist anything I do anyway but I look at my dd and think does she deserve to know them anyway. My dh grandma died last year and he's struggled a bit since then because he was pretty much brought up by her cause his parents were so rubbish, and I think maybe it's made him more open than he was before. I guess I need to do what my sisters keep saying and cut them from our lives as much as I can. My dd doesn't like them as they are loud and tend to grab her for cuddles. Last time she saw them, she had seen my mum the previous day and when it was mentioned my mil said 'but I'm the best grandma aren't I, much better than grandma xx' my dd just looked confused and my dh told his mum off and left, and told me about it when I got home. I suppose I'm so used to their behaviour I tend to ignore more than I should. Time to have a Frank talk I suppose

You say I look at my dd and think does she deserve to know them anyway

then say

dh was pretty much brought up by her cause his parents were so rubbish
My dd doesn't like them as they are loud and tend to grab her for cuddles
my mil said 'but I'm the best grandma aren't I, much better than grandma xx'

Why on earth would you want your dd to know them? They won't be good for her or loving or supportive. They sound batshit. I wouldn't be letting them see your new baby at all.

Good luck talmking to your dh.

*talking

Yeah I know it's stupid. I suppose it's less knowing my pil than it is his grandad and his little brother who is only 12, but my mil won't let my dh see his brother by himself and last time he made arrangements to see his grandad we found out she goes through his grandad's messages and she turned up anyway. His mother is mental, very narcissistic and just plain nasty at times but she puts on a front of being the perfect mother, daughter etc so my dh has to put up with people saying 'your breaking her heart' etc.

Why on earth would you want your DD to know such people?.

That is a question you do need to ask yourself.

I think DHs relations will harm your DD in not too dissimilar ways as to how he has been harmed. She's already receiving mixed messages from these people and your DD herself does not like then.

Ah, that's a shame that your MIL stops your dh from seeing his brother by himself, but his brother will be grown up soon and she will have less influence. Does he have a mobile so dh can ring him on that?

I suppose I don't really want her to know them so I'll have to do something about it. I do often look at my dh and think without his grandparents he could have turned out horribly. It's so ingrained in my dh that family is everything it has taken years for him to even get to minimum contact.
I've suffered with anxiety for a long time which makes me over think things massively.

He does have one and I know my dh messages him over WhatsApp. I think my dh worries that if he removes himself from his brothers life then he will have no outside influence and will go the same way as his sister who is just as nasty as his mum. But I think as his brother gets older and more independent he will be more likely to talk to my dh as someone who won't tell his mum everything.

Cut these people out u're lives they have never done anything for ure DH or u so why do use feel use have to have a relationship with them use moved away to get away from them so stick to it toxic people dont deserve room in u're life's xd

Don't you find it incredibly worrying that your DD has contact with these awful people? It is your job to protect her as she isn't old enough to protect herself.

I hope your DH decides to go NC and just find a way to keep in touch with his brother.

But I'm not her only parent so until my dh decides to stop seeing them there is only so much I can do. Currently she sees them about 3 times a year for around an hour each time. I've spoken to my dh and he understands why I don't want them around after I have given birth, he is currently thinking about how to handle it. Last time he refused contact we both got abusive messages from various family members so he wants to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

This sounds identical to my partners family!!!😐😐horrible situation to be In, it's caused so many arguments between me and him, :( I've just had to pretend to get on with them coz I don't want to lose him, can you not just try meet them just let them know that you won't be taking any shit* from them...

good luck hun, would love to say it gets easier but it really don't!

They sound horrible, but I wonder if seeing them three times a year for an hour, in the presence of your husband can really harm your daughter ? My grandparents were not pleasant people but as I saw them once a month they had no real influence over me. Also my mother told me What they were like which further reduced their influence.