Marriage feels absolutely terrible at the moment - how do I start trying to fix it?

[orangeamber]

Nothing dramatic has happened. No other people involved on either side. No actual acknowledgement from either of us that there's a problem (in fact, I don't think DH thinks there is one). On the face of it we are picture perfect, lovely kids, lovely place to live, jobs we like etc. Married 11 years. So, I guess I feel a bit guilty for finding flaws in our life but our relationship feels awful at the moment. I find DH incredibly hard to live with, and it's making me feel really lonely. We're abroad at the moment (on a placement for DH's work), so I don't have my usual network of friends around, and I work from home myself so I don't see a lot of people. I also don't feel I can talk to my family about this because I don't want it to affect their relationship with DH (there's already a certain amount of 'tension' between my brother and DH and I'd hate to make any of that worse because I'm hoping to be able to put all this behind us in time).

I don't want this to be a 'my husband is awful' rant because I'm sure I am equally difficult to live with. He isn't an 'easy personality' but then neither am I, I've had periods of depression and was an medication for a year and a half (came off ADs last spring) and, though I was always fully functional i.e. never missed work, or anything with the kids, there was a lot of internal turmoil and that must make me difficult to be around. I know that DH has told me in the past that I'm too negative.

Final caveat, I definitely have PMS this week so things are looking worse than usual and I keep reminding myself of that.

But I'm worried that he and I might just not be compatible long term. The thought of splitting us is unthinkable. He's a great dad and I do love him. But I've stopped looking forward to spending time with him. He was away on a long work trip recently and (a) the phone calls we had when he was away were awful (b) when he came back, as is often the case after these trips, it was awful too. It's like he's trying to adjust to being back with us and he's so quick to find fault with everything. He's obsessed (that is not an exaggeration) with work, thoughts of it fill his every waking hour and much of the time he isn't 'present' in the room. Perhaps more so with the kids - he seems to be able to switch into their mode at key times in the day - but not with me. He's also become very 'profit-driven' in every area of our lives, not just work. He seems to want to get as much as he possibly can out of every situation, which is odd because he can be so, so generous in other one-off ways.

I suggested getting some counselling - but he kind of brushed it off.

I don't know what I'm hoping to gain by posting here, I just wanted to be able to 'say' it, I guess. There's one friend back home that I mentioned it to last summer, and she did say we should keep talking about it but somehow I can't bring myself to text her and say 'can we talk' because she'll know that it's about this.

Any help anyone can give me in trying to think through how to tackle this would be hugely appreciated.

I know it's the middle of the night there but bumping in the hope I'll get catch someone in the morning :)

I suppose what I find difficult is that some of the time things with DH are fine. And when that happens, I'm so quick to think there isn't a problem and then it all goes wrong again and I remember what it feels like.

I can empathise

Worth trying little gestures to try to help you recover your closeness? Like giving unexpected gift?

onceupon thanks for answering. And for the positivity. Perhaps that would help. I suppose I feel as if, knowing that I'm the only one who thinks there's a problem, means that these efforts only go in one direction. I'd be really interested to know if others have succeed in getting a partner engaged with them on improving their marriage.

But I will try the gift thing, or something similar e.g. run a nice bath and bring him cup of tea etc

All I’ll say is — I’m sorry you’re feeling like this right now, but don’t make any decisions st all in PMS week! Everything looks at its worst right now. Hunker down with carbs, sugar, tear jerking films or whatever you’re craving, and see how you feel in a few days’ time. Honestly, I can be suicidal a few days before I’m due on and it’s awful.

How long is his placement for? Im by no means an expert but I am married for 15 years and we are together for 24. My DH travels a lot for work and Ive spent time at home as a SAHM and worked outside the home. Both are just as difficult and both have their upsides. One thing I do know is that marriage is hard, but ye owe it to eachother and to your kids to make the effort to reconnect. Its easy to let things slide, ye are worth it. So make time and make him make time. Do date night, every week. Even if all it is is curling up on the couch when kids are in bed and watching a movie.
To me you sound lonely. If the placement is long term you need to look outside of your work and family for you. If its short term, time flies.

WhatsGoing thank you. That is good advice. And I do feel awful during PMS week, always much, much worse outlook on our relationship etc.

But a bit of me wonders whether when I'm in this state I see things a teeny bit more clearly. I mean, I guess I wonder if I am too reasonable the rest of the time, or at least I don't feel strongly enough about the stuff that bothers me to actually say anything about it.

I suppose I don't know if I have unreasonable expectations or not.

I do, when things are good, make every effort possible to fix the stuff about myself that might impact on our relationship. So, for example, I began to suspect that booze (even in fairly small quantities) was affecting my mood so I have cut down massively i.e. regular months off, not drinking more than one drink when I do drink. And I took on board what he said about negativity so I do all the 'stuff' you're meant to do: gratitude journals, regular exercise, trying to make it a whole day without complaining etc.

Taamo thanks. Yes, definitely loneliness is a factor. Placement here is for another 18 months from now. Though we will be home over the summer.

We do need to reintroduce date night. He works v long hours so stuff often gets cancelled. But maybe I need to insist on something at least.

Whats a gratitude journal? Or going all day
without complaining?

I guess what I am saying is that I'd reached a stage where I thought I should just accept that you can't get everything from one person. that I should just accept DH as he is and in the meantime I should just do everything in my power to fix the stuff about myself that might make things worse between us.

And now I'm not sure if that's enough. Think maybe we need some more drastic intervention.

Taamo oh, where you take a few minutes to write down everything you're grateful for.

Re the 'complaining' make a point of saying positive stuff rather than negative.

It sounds a bit nuts when I right it down. It's just one of those self-improvement things that everyone seems to be recommending at the moment.

"write" not "right"

Ok, look to me, ive no experience of gratitude journals or writing only positive stuff down. Im dont mean to critise it but to me if my DH told me to do that, id find it controlling.

And extremely patrionising

I think you need to sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him counselling is a necessity, not an option, or you feel you will end up splitting up. You need to lay your cards on the table. If he isn't willing to co operate and work to make things better, things will only get worse. You sound incredibly lonely, and sad. You deserve not to feel like this. I have been there, it is a horrible place to be. Be totally honest with him, stop allowing him to be avoidant. You can get counselling for yourself if he won't go with you, and look at how to strengthen yourself so you can make the best decisions in the future.

Oh no, that wasn't his idea. Totally mine!

It's just that he has suggested in the past that I'm too negative. And I took that on board and have tried to address i.e. hence the 'gratitude journal'… It's early days on that front, not sure yet if it works :)

When you first got together, what was different? How can you regain that feeling of closeness?

I sympathise, as although I know really that any long-term relationship requires "work", it is somehow a bit dispiriting to have to "work" at things that you feel should be easy.

I'd be very upset though if I thought there was enough to discuss at counselling and my DH refused. I'd expect much more of him than that.

Boats thank you.

I've done the counselling for myself. I mean, I'm sure I could always benefit from more but I do do the self-examination thing.

I think probably the couples counselling would be good. I know he'll hate the idea. I do too to be honest, but I suspect it's what we need.

NoSquirrels Hmm, I guess things have always been fairly turbulent between us. He is, as I say, not an easy personality. But I knew that when I married him, and wanted to give it a go anyway. I think over time we have definitely moved closer together. We still laugh at the same stuff, and have some similar values. I think, on the whole, we've done an ok job with the kids.

I haven't pushed counselling yet. I've raised it (twice I think). But probably need to be a bit more forceful

"wanted to give it a go" sounds flippant. I don't mean it that way. I mean that I knew what I was getting into with him. He didn't pretend to be one thing and then turn out to be another, if you see what I mean.