How do I tell my husband that our marriage is over?

[Tiddleypops]

I need to tell my husband that our marriage is over. We have been together for almost 11 years.
He is an alcoholic. He always has been I have slowly realised and we've gone through all the text book stages; denial, lying, financial abuse, co-dependancy (not in terms of me drinking, in fact I have stopped drinking altogether, but I have evolved my life to such distortion that in effect I am trapped in his addiction with him), and although we have had good and bad times over the years, everything, especially the drinking, has gradually got worse to the point I can't bear it anymore.

For now, he could just about be classed as a 'functioning alcoholic', in that he has a full time job and gets up to take our 4 year old son to nursery 3 a week mornings while I am working. But barely functioning would be a better description and I live in fear of something bad happening because of the alcohol.

I've tried hard to help him, supported him, looked after our home, provided for us financially etc. I managed to get the GP to come and see him around 18 months ago, off the back of that he had alcohol counselling and mental health counselling, but it was clear he hasn't really engaged with it and has refused to discuss it with me. His dad died aged 52 from multiple organ failure after years of alcohol abuse and I know now that my husband will end up the same way. I need to protect my son (as far as I can) from that.

So I know what I need to do... But how?! Every time I get close to feeling brave, he goes a few days without drinking, and offers to help out with things a bit more! It sends me reeling into self doubt.. What if I'm walking away just when he needs me most, how can I use his issues against him, what if he commits suicide, it's not his fault he drinks etc etc... I'm aware that I'm his crutch and that these doubts are based on nothing but it gets so difficult to think straight, especially as I work full time and have our son to look after the rest of the time. I just about get through the day so finding the time and the strength to have this conversation seems impossible.

Just to add to the difficulty, I own the house we live in. He is obviously entitled to a share as it's our marital home, but it's not like I can just take my son and our things and move out! I have been getting migraines from feeling so stressed out about telling him, but it is never The Right Time and I have grown so accustomed to walking on egg shells around him that we barely get beyond polite chat anymore so the thought of this discussion is terrifying! Has anyone been in a similar position? How did you find it in yourself to say what needed to be said?

This sounds really tough
I'm sure others will offer good advice but I think Al-Anon can be helpful to you.

You need to get the advice of a solicitor, bite the bullet, and just tell him it's over. There is no "perfect" time, and there is no easy way around it. Just tell him and start moving on.

Aqua has given you great advice. If you try to tell him, it will be messy, he may well try to undermine you, blackmail you, beg you, etc, etc.

A letter from your solicitor detailing the marriage is over, and the reasons why, and the expectation is for him to move out A.S.A.P. for the safety and security of your son and yourself, will focus his attention, laser like, and the realisation the the marriage is over, and that you mean will certainly sober him up.....

Thank you.
I have a good friend who works in the legal business and has recommended me a local solicitor. I think I just needed to vent, he has not drank quite as much this last week so I was having one of my "what if he's had a lightening bolt moment and I'm going to ruin it by removing my support"... but just in writing all I did above I really know he hasn't had any such moment and I don't believe us splitting up will even have that effect on him BUT it is his best and only chance. Thanks again, I think I need to keep communication with him brief and to the point. This is not going to be a huge surprise I don't think.

Can you and your son take a short break together just to clear your head and build up your strength for dealing with the inevitable? Strongly advise some time to yourself if only to focus the mind, stiffen the backbone and replenish the spirit.
You are right to put yourself and your child first so never ever doubt that. Your husband is an adult and has made his choices. You can't change him. You can only change the way you respond to his behaviour.
Your child shouldn't grow up thinking that alcoholism is part of his family's reality and therefore, allowable. No child should have to live like that. And neither, should that child's mother.
You deserve far better out of life OP. Its time for you to create that better reality for you and your child.

it's not his fault he drinks
Who's fault is it then?
HE drinks.
HE chooses to drink
This is all on him.
YOU cannot fix this.
Yes he needs help with his addiction.
But not from you. You are not a professional in this area.
Has he tried AA?
You also need to contact Al-Alnon.
They can help you with all of this.
You are basically enabling him right now.
And also showing your son a really poor example of what a relationship looks like.
You say your DH dad died of this.
Your DH will too if he continues.
And then your son!
Only you can stop this cycle.

This sounds,so tough, and must be such a lonely place to be.

I would try and work out the practical side first: look at finances, and if you could afford to buy him out/pay mortgage. Look at the legal side (see a solicitor). Make sure you have access to money that he can't take (joint accounts can be nightmares, and drained by a vengeful partner. Have your own account + savings (if you have any) that he can't touch.

Once you have made a realistic plan, your head will find the calm to present the facts to him.

Also, only discuss things with him when he is sober

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Your H's primary relationship is with drink; its not with you as his family and your son frankly deserves better from his childhood. Alcohol is a cruel mistress.

You cannot and have not been fully able to protect your son from the realities of his dad's alcoholism. Alcoholism as well can be learnt, I note that his father died from alcohol abuse as well.

Hard as it is to read I would suggest you read this too as you have been caught up in his alcoholism for a long time. You are this man's provoker (you never forget), adjuster, enabler and fellow codependent. The link is below:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

Your own recovery from your H's alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are completely separated from each other. I would also suggest that you contact Al-anon and properly address any codependency issues you have (alcoholism and codependency can go hand in hand). There is no good time to tell him so you are going to have to rip the band aid off along the lines that Aquamarine has suggested. You certainly need good quality legal advice.

You are NOT responsible for him although you likely very much think that you are. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

Thank you, you have all helped me cement that I can't do any more than I already have (which is too much and damaging in its own way).

I will contact Al-anon in time, I think this needs to happen to help protect my son in the future as well as myself. I am looking forward to healing and being in a better place. AttilaTheMeerket that link sure is difficult reading, but worthwhile nonetheless, I have bookmarked it so I can read it again with a clearer head, thank you.

I have discussed this today with a relative, which has helped immensely too.

I now need to rip off that band aid