How to stop feeling worthless after abusive relationship

[user1471442488]

Hi,

I’m hoping desperately that someone can give me some advice. I’ve just left a relationship after 10 years of emotional abuse and while I’m so so happy to be free of him, I can’t get over the things I put up with. I feel so angry at myself for letting it happen for so long, and my self esteem is in the gutter.

This is a list of some of the things I put up with. He:

Forbid me from eating when he wasn’t as he hated other people eating
Would never go out anywhere with me for the same reason.
Wouldn’t let me read magazines as the noise of the pages turning annoyed him
Told me I was “eating myself to death” (I’m not overweight at all)
Wouldn’t let me have anyone over at the house (various excuses)
Constantly embarrassed me in front of friends and family by getting off his face drunk and saying shitty things to people and then losing the plot if I had the nerve to tell him he was being rude
Ruined the last few Christmas’s by insisting he come to my family (we live abroad) and acting like a total twat to everyone
Screamed at me once for rubbing my face. I quote “stop touching your fucking face!”
Told me he was going to break my iPad if I didn’t stop using it so much
Wouldn’t le me pet the dogs much as the “persistent movement” pissed him off

He claimed he had misophonia and none of this was his fault. I was supposed to just accept that’s how it was.

Anyway, I finally got free of him, much to my family’s relief. The problem I have now is that I am so angry at myself for the way I let him treat me for so long. My self esteem is destroyed: my friends persuaded me to try a dating app (not tinder) and after matching with a few men I panicked and deleted the app. I can’t imagine how anyone would actually want me now. I feel like I’m fat and worthless and I dread actually doing normal things like eating in front of someone. There’s no way I could go out on a date.

Sorry, this was longer than intended and that’s not even the half of it. Hoping some kind people have some advice.

@user1471442488

I did want read and run... You're so NOT ready to date! I'm shocked that this was even suggested to you at this time!

You need to heal from the abuse, grieve for the relationship you thought you had and forgive yourself for not leaving. You were a victim so please cut yourself some slack/empathy. Might it be worth checking out the Freedom Program Website?

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Take one day at a time and start to appreciate you and all the things you can now do in peace. Easier said than done but don't let it invade your thoughts. Don't give him any further control over you. It's called abuse for a reason. It is not your fault. He is entirely to blame.

Well done for getting rid of him! Onwards and upwards from here on in. Xxx

Agree about the freedom project. I did this and it definitely helps.

you sound lovely, self aware, articulate and intelligent. You also sound, rightly, traumatised. Dates can be a trial for the most self confident of people. As others have said, concentrate and getting your feelings back to normal for as long as it takes, even years, then think about dating if you fancy it. You might be surprised what happens but chance along the way anyway. Good luck!

No dating!
Freedom programme.
Read 'why does he do that'.
Or 'the gift of fear'.

Look after yourself. Work out what makes you feel happy and relax and do those things.
Go for walks.
I've joined a gym and feel much better for it.
Use perfume or aromatherapy oil that you like to ground you.

Look up grounding techniques.

Spend time with people who see the good in you.
Make lists of things you're good at.

Learn new things. Knitting or zentangle or DIY.

Re read favourite books.
Re watch favourite things.

Check out Yoga with adrienne on YouTube

Or if that list is daft, think up your own ideas but just take good care of yourself. It takes a long time but you will get there.

Well done for getting out. That was incredibly brave of you so if you can do that you can do anything. Give yourself time to heal and I have heard the Freedom programme is very good because I imagine you could be scared of getting into something similar in a future relationship. Good luck, you have the rest of your life ahead of you

I found it quite helpful to read a bit more about abusive relationships so that I could understand how it’d developed and why I’d stayed so long as I found it difficult to understand looking back.
I also found some counselling very helpful as I was quite distressed after.
I would give yourself time before dating and make sure you feel strong enough for it.
I do think that moving on from an abusive relationship is a journey and the bit just after you leave when the dust settles and all he practical part of getting away is done is the hardest bit but it does get better.

Thank you all so much.

I had a look at the freedom programme and there’s an online course so I think I’ll do that. My job also offers free counselling services so once I build up a bit of courage I’ll approach them.

I plan on joining a gym and there’s a few hobbies I’ve always wanted to try so again, I’ll give them a go when I’m ready. Absolutely no dating though!

Thanks again for the kindness, it means a lot that you took the time to help me x