cheated?

[Mycohizzae]

My partner and I first started dating when we were late teens.
Months into the relationship a girl I knew of through mutual friends claimed that they slept together. He strongly denied it but she remained adamant (my only communication with her was online). There was also no third party around who could confirm if it did/didn’t happen, and she never provided enough details for me to try and catch her out. The whole situation made me sick. Just to add, this girl did have a bit of a reputation for attention seeking/lies etc, but not ones this big to my knowledge.
I love my partner and made the decision to trust him, but fast forward 8 years and the event is brought up again by a friend, who also happens to know the other woman. I told her to drop it, but she decided to ask the other woman if it really did happen all those years ago, and she said yes it did, her story changed slightly as she said ‘he tried to have sex with her’ this time, whereas previously said they had sex.
It’s brought it all back for me, and I realise I can’t get closure as I wasn’t there and whoever is lying isn’t going to give it up. My gut leans towards my partner telling the truth, he’s pretty straight up and to the point, and I gave him so much grief at the time I think he’d just have admitted it. What I cannot get my head around is her motive, he clearly has one to lie for, not wanting to lose me. But assuming he is telling the truth, why on earth would someone want to tell such a huge lie to ruin someone’s relationship like that, it’s just plain evil? I am a moral person and couldn’t even contemplate such a thing. The only motives I could think of would be her wanting him for herself, but they hadn’t even met properly before this alleged evening, and surely she wouldn't go this far just for attention??

Any advice would be much appreciated

So, in your own words....

1. She had a reputation for attention seeking/telling lies
2. She claimed they slept together
3. 8 years later, she downgraded her claim to "he tried to have sex with her"

She is of questionable reliability, that much is clear to see.

The bigger issue here is one of doubting you other half (rightly or wrongly). If you continue to doubt him, I would suggest calling it a day and move on from the relationship - because you won't be able to move on from the doubt

You were teenagers and newly together EIGHT years ago. You're still together and presumably you have no current concerns about him cheating?

Whether it actually happened or not eight years ago, what does it really matter now? What would you do with the information if he did? Your relationship must have grown and changed out of all recognition since you were first together as teenagers.

You're really overthinking this after so long. I suggest you live for the present and your future together.

Let it go, you will never know any more than you know now. You either choose to live peacefully, or not.

It's a long time ago. Have you any other reason to distrust him? If not let it go. Life's too short to torture yourself over something that never happened.

The reason he may be denying it is he is telling the truth? If you've ever been blamed incorrectly I'm sure you'd have reacted the Same way!
Put it to bed. Let it go and whatever, if anything happened it was so long ago it isn't worth a second more of your time.
And she has changed her story! He hasn't!

Hi all,
Thanks for the replies.
I know you are right, I should have let it go a while back.... Its definitely not good for my health.
Im troubled as I wouldnt want to be with him now if he has done it. I'm loyal and honest and feel I deserve the same back. For him to string me along for 8 years whilst watching all the suffering (I ended up with severe depression for around a year- the stress reignited an existing condition) then it just makes me sick, but as you've said unless I hook them upto a liar detector I can't get the truth I'm after....

Why is ure friend taking it upon herself to bring all this up again if u chose to believe him then then u have to believe him now u have made a life for ureselfs to end that is stupid if u all of a sudden believe it now when u should have ended things then u sure ure friend isn't putting things in u're hesd

She is changing her story...so In question her reliability. Maybe she liked him and was jealous of you.

Some people are just spiteful.

And lie detectors aren't foolproof or sound either. Despite what Jeremy Kyle may want you to think!

Personally if I had zero ability to find out the truth I'd choose to trust my partner over some random other woman. I'd want him to do the same for me and be devastated if he believed a random guy over my protestations of innocence.

And what you said about how she changed her story just seals the deal for me. Either it was just short of sex back then and she lied it was full sex, or it was full sex and she somehow forgot that. I don't know about you but I don't forget who I had sex with especially if it became a huge drama. Conclusion: she's unreliable and a liar whichever way you cut it. So with that in mind I'd be believing my partner 100%.

Whether you're wrong or right to trust him won't influence whether he ever does cheat on you, if you're otherwise happy with him it'd be a shame to ruin months of your relationship stressing about this past incident. If he wants to cheat in the future he will. Whether you believe him about the past or not.

This is taking up more space in your mind than it should after 8 years . stringing you along ? Is there something else happening here ? If he has been a good partner for 8 years, try to forget it and move on.

The fact she changed her story is promising OP, makes her story less credible but I've been in a similar situation and I understand how difficult it is to fully trust your partner with something like this hanging over you. IME it's tainted a lot in our long term relationship and it never fully go's away.

If it was a lie and she admits it was a lie now your mutual friend will most likely disown her for causing you crap all those years ago.

As it is she's sought to minimize her involvement, in the eyes of your friend, so its clear your not going to get a full and honest disclosure from her either way.