DP drinking/barfing/putting himself in danger

[Ramonaforever]

Afternoon ladies, I’m so bloody fed up!

DP and I have been together 6 years, 4 kids between us and have dd together (she’s just turned 1). A couple of years ago DP had a stroke, very shocking, so young, and basically had to learn everything again and although he’s made an incredible recovery, he’s still not able to work, and gets confused etc.

He used to be a big drinker with his mates, and after the stroke was told he couldn’t keep up that lifestyle. Used to be every week. Now, he goes out about once a month, and is usually tiddly but okish, but once every so often (about every 6months maybe), will get totally shitfaced, can’t walk without falling over, pisses the bed, pukes all over himself/everywhere.

I’ve left him to clean it up and took the kids out for the day. I’ve begged him to stop and think if the danger, as well as the downright shittiness of having to live with him when he’s like it. I’ve even filmed him in a state and showed it him to shock him into getting a grip. Every time he swears it’s the last. Then he goes back to monthly outings getting a little tipsy and I think “ah, he knows his limits now, cracked it”. And then it happens again.

Am I being an old nag bag or is he taking the piss out of me and the kids who helped him recover and looked after him? What should I do?

Is he drinking for a reason? is he depressed and he's thinking it's helping him feel better when in reality he is just destroying himself, his relationship with you and his kids. You need to talk to him.

Although it's bad, it's once every six months. And I'm sure he also has a lot of mental pressure to deal with due to what's happened to him. It's not nice, it's not smart, it's horrid to deal with, but once every six months I'd probably give a pass to as I think we can all have a little empathy for how his life has changed,

I don't think he's taking the piss out of you. He's been through an enormously traumatic event which has caused him to lose the person he was and the person he thought he'd be in the future.

So once every few months he thinks he can do what he used to and it goes really badly for him. I don't think it's anything against you at all

It's not ok. I wouldn't put up with it. If he can't control himself he shouldn't drink.

Well we can all have a little empathy apart from adalind that is.

He's not being an adult about this. Sure he may choose to cope / let of steam with alcohol, but getting that drunk is problematic not just for his health (given all else), but for his family.
My DH copes with anxiety via booze. There is a line he needed to learn not to cross, however I still wonder how long I can put up with it.

Napping - depending on the severity of his stroke and the areas of the brain affected, being 'adult' about certain things may be a particular struggle.

I never cared about him drinking before, he worked hard, loved me and the kids, never missed a dance show or rugby training etc. Then the stroke was severe and we weren’t sure how much of “him” we would get back. We all worked so hard with him, physio, speech therapy, jogging his memory, spending time at appointments etc. He was told he couldn’t drink to excess, his body can’t cope with it, he’s putting himself at risk of further complications, so when he does this it’s like a slap in the face to us.

I know it’s been so hard on him, it’s not fair and he didn’t deserve it. But neither did we, and we’re still trying to help him and work around him and his needs.

I think you're looking at it the wrong way. It's not a 'slap in the face' to you. It's just that every few months he gets carried away, thinks he can handle it like he did before and ends up in a state.

And you've all been through trauma but he's suffered the most. He is the one that is irreversibly changed and has lost parts of himself that'll never return.

Talk to him about it from that point of view. That you understand why he pushes it sometimes but that you find it frightening or whatever. Open that dialogue.

Don't come from the point of 'we did this and that to support you and you should do what you've been told and if you don't, it seems like you don't appreciate what we did for you' because even though I don't think at all that is what you mean, that is how it may come across.

I have trouble with people saying OP should accept her P puking all over himself/pissing the bed. That's just disgusting. She should not have to put up with it - it happens once, lesson learned, it shouldn't happen again. If her P hadn't had the stroke, would people be so forgiving?

If he can’t heed the doctor’s advice re drinking and is putting his life and his family at risk for booze then this is an alcohol problem and he needs to seek help with it.

I don’t think it matters that it is once in a while.

I don’t think you are being a nag bag and I don’t think you should squash your feelings down because the stroke happened to him. It also happened to you and your dc and you were the one who had to pull everyone through it.

I think it’s absolutely human to feel horrified at him going against doctor’s advice like that.

The only thing really is that you do have to accept that this is what he is choosing to do and that you don’t have any control over it because it is his choice. You need to make your choices based on that knowledge.

I doubt many people would stick with this for very long with him doing nothing about it having supported him through the stroke (which was probably contributed too by his heavy drinking in the first place - certainly won’t have helped).

No I wouldn't be so forgiving if he hadn't had a brain injury. But he has. That changes everything.