Reason for getting married

[luxed]

My DH is now having a major strop because of a conversation he overheard between me and a friend. She asked why after so many years did I decide to get married, I answered that we had been looking into getting a will but getting married seemed to cover everything etc, she laughed. It really is how the idea started out but then spiralled into a full blown wedding not the short small affair I'd imagined.

My friend is staying with us for a night and DH got very stroppy with me after she went to bed. He feels hurt etc and thinks I was talking about him in a bad way. I think what made it worse was my friend called him an old romantic in a light hearted sarcastic way. He can't/won't give me the apparent reason he thinks we got married. I think he's embarrassed because I said the truth. There has been no real love from him towards me for many years, I'm often told how rubbish I am etc. It was a marriage of connivence and beside it covering the will side of things it seemed to give stability to our children. Why does he want to pretend otherwise? I couldn't say to my friend it was because we were madly in love because after 15yrs of emotional abuse I was and still am a shell of the person I was. Plus I don't ever talk that way neither does DH. He was in the room and could of spoken up but didn't. Now I'm on the sofa because of the atmosphere. Worried my friend will see me here so need to get up and pack pillows away before she comes down whenever that is. I could of lied but I really don't know what else I could of said. I'm knackered and know after she leaves all hell will break lose. I'm full of anxiety now.

I'm sorry that a simple comment to your friend has resulted in your husband being so unpleasant towards you.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to about how you feel?

No, everything is just one big act. I gave 100% of myself to my DH many years ago and he's ground me down with his horrible behaviour. I just keep up appearances because I'm embarrassed to admit how things actually are. I accepted years ago that we are stuck together because of the children and can't afford to split. Thats why I/we carry on this way.

We are supposed to be going away with my friend and her family in a couple of months, now DH says to me he's not going. That's going to be awkward in the morning as we are supposed to pay my friend our half of the holiday which they have paid for already

He can't pull out now if he's agreed to pay a share. He'll have to pay for his agreed costs whether he goes or not.

How old are your children?

Girls are 8 &15, apparently I've lied about him. I think he's embarrassed I told the truth. I really don't know what else I could of said.

I'm so tired but can't sleep I'm to anxious. I usually sleep in the spare room (have done for years) but my friend is in there. Really don't want to be caught on the sofa. Considering sleeping on the floor in the office but the floor will be hard.

Just sleep on the sofa and if your friend notices tell her that your husband was snoring too loudly for you to sleep.

His reaction towards you is unreasonable. He can be embarrassed but it's not your fault!

Would seeing a counsellor help you at all? Someone neutral to talk to about how you feel.

We can't afford to see a counsellor and DH isn't interested.

I've put a couple of bean bags on the office floor and I've got a throw and dressing gown. I will manage a couple of hours. Can't believe I live like this. My friend would be appalled. I'm so good at pretending now, it would hurt people that I've lied for so long. Plus I'd be mortified if anyone knew how I actually live.

You’re being a martyr. You think you’re doing it for your children but I think you’re lying to yourself and you’re actually too afraid to leave. It would be better for them if you left. At the moment you are showing them a terrible model of relationships. You are showing them that it’s ok for them to allow men to treat them like absolute shit, because you allow your husband to treat you that way. They will be happier if their mum is happy. Never mind the fact that you deserve happiness for your own sake and not just theirs.

When Assassinated suggested counselling, I’m pretty sure she meant individual counselling for you, not couple’s counselling. Joint counselling is never recommended when there is abuse, anyway.

If money is an issue, I suggest you ask your GP about counselling. If they can’t refer you for NHS counselling they might be able to tell you about other free or low cost options.

I also suggest you read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft.

You could also call Women’s Aid if you want to talk to someone who would understand. I have a feeling you might think that’s a big step that you’re not ready for. But it’s just a phone call. It could help you feel less alone.

This is a horribly abusive situation and is not a marriage but a charade. You need to claim your life back - this is not a life. Take your friend out for coffee and tell her the truth, you need to admit to others how bad things are.