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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

some advice please

22 replies

24in7 · 30/04/2007 12:05

Just need some advice please, i'm feeling very low this morning because:

1 - whilst in the midst of an argument with my DH yesterday he said I do nothing all day but sit on my fat arse (I am a SAHM with small children under 5)
2 - told me i shouldnt be going out today because i go out too much and the bedroom needs tidying he is sick of the mess (yes, bedroom is a bombsite but not easy cleaning it all in one go with demands of kids)
3 - when i felt enough was enough yesterday refused to let the arguing go any further and told him so, he proceeded to smear my mouth with his greasy chicken hands (he was eating sunday lunch at the time) followed by a glass of water down my back. I was feeding our baby at the time.
4 - when i told him i'd had enough of his tantrums and behaviour and if it continued would take the kids and leave he points at a piece of equipment we bought and says 'you own x amount on that, how will you pay for that, not so tough now are you?'

I know that this is his way when he is angry/upset, he's not getting his usual apology just to keep the peace and is annoyed and treating me this way as a result but i just can't be patient with him anymore is like treading on eggshells and i'm tired and need support, he is too busy with work to help with kids/bedtime/bath etc.. and i support him and do all this alone as he is working very hard up to 18hrs a day and under immense pressure but i feel he needs to draw a line between work and family and not just take it out on me all the time, i've been patient till now but can't be bothered anymore. Just rambling now but feel better to have written this. Am a regular btw.

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 30/04/2007 12:08

You are both working very hard - and there is never any excuse to be physically aggressive.
His behaviour re smearing your mouth and pouring water over you sounds bullying and abusive. Do you often feel you have to apologise to keep the peace?

FiveFingeredFiend · 30/04/2007 12:11

My Dear, tell him you will aford it becuase of the child support he would be giving you.

Do you own your house together?

He is a sad sorry man, a bully and a horror.

fryalot · 30/04/2007 12:11

your points one and two seemed very familiar, however, I do think he went to far with point 3

You need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him.

It doesn't matter what he earns, compared to what you do. You look after the children to enable him to go out to work.

Original poster

24in7 · 30/04/2007 12:14

Thanks - HC - sometimes but not always. I know how far to go but yesterday i'd had enough. I never discuss his behaviour with anyone other than a close family member - think it is a bit like my childhood in some sense - it just becomes the norm.

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 30/04/2007 12:16

24in7.
Are you scared of him?

singingmum · 30/04/2007 12:18

You shouldn't have to be patient with him he needs to stop acting like a 2yr old having a tantrum.He obv has some serious mental issues if he thinks acting like that and speaking to you in that manner is acceptable.He needs to get help and so do you.Don't put up with this abuse your worth more than this.And yes it is abusive behaviour what he is doing

Original poster

24in7 · 30/04/2007 12:20

Only when he loses his temper, i've told him before that if he crosses a certain line with me i'll just stop respecting him and i feel that yesterdays incident 3 was the crossing of that line - felt so humiliating. I used to make DC wait for him to pull up at the window, we'd all jump out at the door when he arrived, really looking fwd to his arrival now i dread the sound of vehicle approaching - never thought this would happen to me but TBH i really love him just don't respect him as much. Sorry going off on a tangent here

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 30/04/2007 12:23

Sweetheart, he doesn't sound like he's very supportive or loving.
Have you told him how upset you were by his behaviour yesterday?

Original poster

24in7 · 30/04/2007 12:26

Not really. I just ignored him, he came up to talk at 5am after i'd been up most of the night with DC - one unwell and the other feeding, he stormed out because i was too tired to speak to him (although i really couldn't be bothered, he is v.good at turning things round and wasn't up for it). I ignored him again this morning and that really peed him off hence point 2! Do YSWIM about keeping the peace? I could have just done myself a favour and listened to him at 5am or this morning and all would have been forgotten but i can't get point 3 out of my head

OP posts:

singingmum · 30/04/2007 12:26

Not really a tangent.A relationship without respect is not one that can survive.It is not just you who has no respect he obv has none for you.You should not have to fear a person you love and if you do then something is seriously wrong.
Do you have a family member who could talk to him if you can't.As for pushing him remember that that is just an excuse for him, having an opinion is not pushing or goading him.He is a childish idiot and you need to remove your children untill he gets help.You mention you were feeding your baby when he did no3 so obv he cares very little for th DC's saftey.

hertsnessex · 30/04/2007 12:27

this is not your fault, his behaviour is not your fault. you fell in love with this man, wanted and hoped everything would work and it doesnt sound like he is prepared to accept the role you play in your families life, or respect it.

he needs counselling, then maybe some relationship counselling, if he wont go down that route- then at least you have tried. move out and move on.

singingmum · 30/04/2007 12:28

Also have to say if he doesn't like the bedroom in a mess whats stopping him from maybe picking up after himself and giving you a hand.He works 18hrs a day you work 24hrs a day.Who works the longest hours ?

Saturn74 · 30/04/2007 12:30

I agree that some relationship counselling would be very useful, but if you are scared for your safety, and that of your children, perhaps you should consider other options too?

Original poster

24in7 · 30/04/2007 12:31

Thanks for all advice. Will be doing a lot of thinking in the meantime.

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 30/04/2007 12:39

Keep posting if you need to.

FiveFingeredFiend · 30/04/2007 12:42

What kind of a person does that to someone they love?

I hope you both get some help.

Best wishes.

zookeeper · 30/04/2007 13:12

That sounds awful 24 - why not go and get half an hour free legal advice from a family solicitor so at least you know what your position would be should you break up? You might feel stronger and better able to cope if you know your rights. Hope things improve as you both sound under a lot of strain.

popcorn123 · 30/04/2007 14:41

Your husband sounds identical to mine in every way. Will post more later.

mountaingirl · 30/04/2007 17:48

He sounds a delight! Get some legal advice and find out where you stand, don't let him physically abuse you like that: it will get more violent as time goes on and he thinks he can get away with it. There is no reason why you can't tidy the bedroom or keep the house cleanish etc, but you do have a right to going out ( he may be out of the house but is he really working 18 hours a day does he have a lunch break etc?). Can you get someone else to help you? You need to stamp on his behaviour hard or it will get out of control. He is you husband and partner not your master and you deserve some respect. Good luck.

popcorn123 · 30/04/2007 21:10

Hi 24in7

Going through very similar problems myself. Had also assumed that DH only behaved badly when angry/upset/stressed and didn't notice what was happening in between times. Realised with the help of folk here and reading etc that this is emotional (and to a certain degree physical abuse) My H also believes that I do next to nothing in comparison to him and we do essentially the same job - I now work part-time but do all childcare and housework etc so he is just making an excuse. He will always believe that he does more regardless of the truth. Your husband may not be abusive but you have to think through you life and the times that he had upset you and work out what really happened. Does he ever take responsibility or it is always up to you to get life back to normal after an argument. I always backed down as otherwise he would be in huff for ages and DC's wouldn't see him. It seemed tha right thing to do at the time.
What happens if you discuss why you are upset does he allow proper communication?

I haven't decided what to do about relationship yet. My H can be nice for periods (Mon-Fri) as nothing really expected of him but weekends very difficult.

Have a think abou the in-between times to see he if is abusive.

You will know in your head what is really going on.

bubblymummy · 30/04/2007 21:20

none of the points were very pleasant but point 3 is pretty disturbing.

Before apologising to him to keep the peace or listening to him when you're knackered, just note point three.

sorry that you and popcorn are going through this.

Janos · 30/04/2007 21:27

Point 3 really upset me as well.

24in7, can I ask a question? What would you think if a friend told you her DH had done this to her? I bet you'd be horrified. 1&2 are pretty standard row stuff but that is just awful.

Your DH sounds like a childish bully.

Hope you are OK. Good luck sorting this out and keep posting on here for support.

Flip