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Original poster

Mixed messages

18 replies

Yasmin21 · 03/02/2018 22:38

I have a male friend who acts in every way as if he's more than a friend but said friendship is all he feels when I confessed my feelings.

I know they say "believe him when he says..." but they also say "watch his actions not his words..."

He acts like he's got feelings. In terms of how much he contacts me, how he wants to text every night, how he looks at me, always wants to do date-like stuff with me, forever touching me or stroking my hair, general cute behavior towards me that's tender and also (sorry if TMI) he has erections when we're cuddling. I feel exactly the same as I have every time I've had a very smitten boyfriend and the time we spend together always feels more like a date than friends.

He's admitted he fancies me and really likes and cares about me so I'm pulling my hair out a bit over what the issue is. We did sleep together once (incredible sex that he still goes on about) as we actually met in a bar last year and ended up in bed and although neither of us wanted a relationship at the time we stayed in touch and progressed to being mates.

He keeps going on dates with other people and coming back miserable because he never finds the right one and I think the right one is in front of his face.

I'm a bit confused. Help! ! Every time he goes on a date my heart breaks so I have to do something.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 04/02/2018 00:29

His actions (in that he's unwilling to progress your friendship) is speaking volumes. You've opened the door, if he wanted to be with you, he would be.

If he's touching you or stroking your hair, tell him to stop. Don't cuddle with him. Take the relationship right back down to friends. If he wouldn't do it with his male friends, he doesn't get to do it with you. He's sending you mixed messages and that is totally unfair on you. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it, all the while making you feel miserable.

Thistlebelle · 04/02/2018 00:32

He says he’s just a friend.

Right, start behaving like he’s just a friend. Stop the cuddling, hair touching, discussions about sex, be less available for going out, stop texting all evening.

If he’s just a friend treat him that way.

Right now he’s having his cake and eating it. Stop allowing it.

Gather up your self respect, he’s using you.

Thistlebelle · 04/02/2018 00:33

Grin Sn0t cross posted but clearly great minds think alike.

Unemfuckingployable · 04/02/2018 00:38

He’s made his feelings clear. Youve made your feelings clear. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you he would be in a relationship with you. Get the hell out before he seriously fucks with your head.

PuertoVallarta · 04/02/2018 03:12

It's fun for him to do all the boyfriend stuff with you while he searches for a better match.

TheStoic · 04/02/2018 07:02

He’s keeping you dangling until he finds Ms Right.

seven201 · 04/02/2018 07:34

I agree, you're his date girl until he finds the perfect girlfriend, and he doesn't think that's you. I think you should distance yourself for your own good.

rewritethestars · 04/02/2018 07:39

What he's doing is really unfair to you.

SendintheArdwolves · 04/02/2018 07:56

He's enjoying having a flirty, ego boosting and sparky series of interactions with you. By telling you that he's not interested in a relationship, he feels that he's cleared his conscience over "leading you on" and that your acquiescence to the status quo means you're happy with it.

If you later turn around and say to him "I'm hurt and baffled as to whats going on here" he can say "I have been very upfront that I didn't want a relationship, I don't know what you're talking about".

Stop all the cuddles and hair stroking and sexual reminiscences, stop being his shoulder as he moans about bad dates. Be busy with other things - maybe a few dates of your own.

Vitalogy · 04/02/2018 08:10

I think he's being cruel OP. You'll have to put your foot down with him. Although, even if you do, I think it'll still be hurtful to you if you try staying just friends. I have some experience of this and totally no contact was the answer.

Namechange16 · 04/02/2018 08:17

I think the phase "having his cake and eating it" is appropriate. As is "why buy the cow when you can have its milk for free."

Namechange16 · 04/02/2018 08:18

*phrase

Original poster
Yasmin21 · 04/02/2018 10:06

Thank you for all the good advice. It's rings true. I'm going to walk away and get on with my life

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 04/02/2018 10:09

Good for you OP.

Thistlebelle · 04/02/2018 16:32

Good for you Yasmin.

ThisLittleKitty · 04/02/2018 17:22

You can like someone but not want to be in a relationship with them. Sounds like this is the case here.

Vitalogy · 04/02/2018 18:56

That's right ThisLittleKitty but totally out of order, unfair and cruel when you know the other person wants and feels more.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/02/2018 19:24

Go no contact. The NC Dignity thread on here is a great support and there are a couple ladies in similar circumstances going through NC

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