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Original poster

Confused!! Any advice welcome

25 replies

llWelshDragonll · 03/02/2018 21:49

So, me and my boyfriend of 6 years (3 kids) have been going through a bit of a patch. Roughly 3/4 weeks ago i was in a really bad spiral. I was lonely and needed to talk to someone. My bf works really hard and when hes not working hes exhausted. Im a fulltime mother without any real friends. I have a great family life but i was just feeling the need to talk to someone...anyone. anyways i signed up for friendship sites and so on but they all required payment. The only free site that i knew of was pof. Yes, as stupid as it sounds i signed up to a dating site looking for sum1 to chat to. Anyways he saw it pop up on my phone and instead of asking me about it he kept it to hiself and brooded over it until i made him tell me what was wrong. I tried explaining myself buh naturally he didnt believe me. But thats not the problem. He explained that he didnt trust me etc and wanted to break up. No matter how much i begged and pleaded (something i never thought id do). He was adamant. Fair enough, as much as i loved him, i did wrong. i dealt with it. When we both had calmed down and i accepted we were over, we had a chat about the way we felt and he told me that he didnt love me anymore. He loved me as the mother of his kids but nothing else. My heart broke. But for the sake of the kids we remained living together and slowly started behaving as friends. Over a few days the friendship turned into flirting. And we send a few saucy vids. He suggests us getting back together. (Something i want more than anything) but i cant get it out of my head the fact that he said he didnt love me anymore. Thats huge. How can you go from absolutely and completely believing you dont love someone to wanting to be back together? Is it just the sex he wants? x

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2018 21:52

It might be that he was lashing out but def do not have sex with him. You need to sit down and talk. You should be taking to each other, not random men and I would struggle to believe that you weren't at least looking for an ego boost. You need to decide if there's a future, if you can move on and if you can put stuff in place so it doesn't happen again

BadHatter · 03/02/2018 21:56

Is it still early days for your boyfriend? From his point of view, his world came crashing down when he saw you active on dating sites.

He’s probably confused and it doesn’t help that there is no physical space between you too. Is it possible for either of you to stay somewhere else just to give the other breathing room and time to figure out if there’s any trust left?

Onecutefox · 03/02/2018 22:01

I am not sure about his intentions. He discussed separation with you, said he wasn't in love with you and now, suddenly, he loves you. I think it's sex but you need to hear your own guts. Usually they tell the truth.

Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 03/02/2018 22:35

Thanks u lot. Great advice. As for personal space. Theres not much chance of that. He has no family around and all we have is eachother and the kids really. I understand how he feels. I fucked up bigtime. Our relationship was perfect for 6 years. We have been inseperable and are best friends but with the work increase (3 months, 12 hour shifts, no days off) I genuinely was just looking for sum1 to chat to. I wouldnt believe me if i was him which is why i was letting him move on. He told me that he signed up to pof (which i think was his way of scoring a point) and that he was chattong to someone on there ans it made him realise he just wanted me. I kind of believe him. I just cant get those words out of my head. What happens if we have a small arguement. Are those words going to pop straight back into his head? Feel like im dangling on a cliff x

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Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 03/02/2018 22:40

I think the reason i didnt speak to him at the time was because he was flat out working and i didnt wanna be like "pay attention to me" he hadnt done anything wrong. He was doing his best and i waa just being selfish. I just really missed him which i didnt really understand at the time. x

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Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 03/02/2018 22:42

I asked him why he said those words. I mean for me to say them would be a massive thing. And he said he was just angry and now he realises he was just spiting hiself x

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Onecutefox · 03/02/2018 22:53

OP, why didn't you come to chat in here? No subscription fee and I am sure there would be people who would chat to you.

I think if my DH did it I would find it really hard to trust him again. I hope you can both repair the relationship and move on but next time come here.

Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 03/02/2018 23:04

Onecutefox i realise this now. I didnt know this place existed. I was googlin (roll the eyes) how to rebuild trust and this site popped up. If id known it wouldve never happened. I was in such a dark place u wouldnt believe. Like i said. Its all my fault. I need to get out more. I literally spend every single day with my kids and OH. i dont drink or have any hobbies really (something i need to work on). I didnt know where to turn. I want him more than anything but im so insecure now. Karma eh. Any suggestions on how to rebuild? x

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Thymeout · 03/02/2018 23:11

Well, it was 'a massive thing' for him to find out that you were on PoF. And then to spend time brooding, 'getting his ducks in a row', trying to adjust to the idea that you didn't love him.

How would you have felt? I don't think I'd have felt v loving in those circumstances.

I think you just have to accept that you created the situation which led to him saying it and move on. Focus on his feelings rather than yours and help him to regain his trust in you.

Try to find some time in two v busy lives to make space for the two of you to talk and enjoy each other's company. It's easy to grow apart.

Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 03/02/2018 23:15

Ye ur right. I wouldve just rathered him say he hated me or that he didnt trust me or that he couldnt bare to look at me or called me names. I couldve understood. But to say you dont love someone... i think is a bit much x

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Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 03/02/2018 23:20

I tried to explain that me going on there was in no way a reflection of our relationship i told him that i loved him and that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. My profile on there explained that i was in a relationship and that i just need to talk to sum1, preferably female. Which i offered to show him but he didnt wanna see. I know i hurt him but i would never tell someone i didnt love them of i didnt know 100% that that was the way i felt x

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Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2018 02:07

When we are hurt and our egos have been bruised, we are all capable of saying very hurtful things that aren't necessarily even true. I suggest you take things one day at a time and really work hard at communicating in your relationship. Perhaps go to counseling. It would be worth the effort for your children. Any relationship can go through very hard times, and I hope the two of you can make it through this.

Hidingtonothing · 04/02/2018 03:55

I'm struggling to word what I want to say so it doesn't sound too harsh OP and I genuinely don't mean to be harsh, you made a mistake and I'm the last person to judge you for it. Having said that I read your post and saw it more from your bf's point of view for some reason, here's my take on it fwiw.

I think finding you were on pof hurt him more than you realise and him saying he didn't love you was a result of brooding on it and wanting to hurt you back. It sounds like he knew that would be worse for you to hear than not trusting you etc. Not his finest hour but it's understandable he felt like that. What he said about joining up himself and how that made him realise he only wants you has the ring of truth about it to me, if he just wanted sex it's not hard to find on there.

I don't think you're being fair focusing on what he said about not loving you, you were in the wrong here and it feels a bit like you're deflecting attention away from that and thinking too much about how much that hurt you. It's his hurt you need to be thinking about because it was you who started this whole chain of events.

That's what I'd want to see in his shoes, you taking full responsibility for what you did and for all the repercussions, including him saying hurtful things to you. He needs to see that you understand what you did to him and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild his trust in you and that means putting your own feelings on one side and focusing on his.

I really hope this post comes over the way I mean it to, funnily enough I understand more than you know about feeling lonely and isolated and that you can't talk to him about it because he's working hard for your family, that pretty much sums up my life! I wish you'd found this place before pof, it's the only thing that keeps me sane somedays Blush

So it's not that I don't see your point of view, and there's definitely a conversation to be had in the coming weeks about how you ended up here and what you can both do to improve your relationship, I just think you need to really own what you did first and that means putting your own feelings on one side for now.

Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 04/02/2018 19:50

Thanks hidingtlnothing. You've really put things into perspective. I know i have lots of sucking up to do. All i can do is hope that he said it just to hurt me and i havent lost all of his respect and trust for me. Its not like me at all. Ive never cheated and never would. I just hope he knows that deep down x

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Hidingtonothing · 04/02/2018 20:18

I really hope I haven't upset you, I probably understand how you got here better than most believe it or not but I've also been on the receiving end of this sort of situation and I couldn't help seeing it from his point of view.

What's important now is how you go forward, you and he have a lot of talking to do once the initial upset has died down because it's not right that you should feel lonely in your relationship. For now you need to focus on making up for what's happened, not getting defensive when he brings it up (and he will), answering any questions he has honestly and having some really frank (but not accusatory) conversations about how things got so bad that you did what you did and how you can both be happier in the future.

It sounds to me like this is more a case of 'life got in the way' in terms of what led to this situation rather than major problems in your relationship so I would say it's worth fighting for. I really hope you can work things out and there will always be someone to talk to on here if you need it along the way Flowers

Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 04/02/2018 20:20

Thank you aquamarine. I hope we can get through this too. So far so good. As it is now, its like we're starting again. Flirting and trying to impress eachother. Maybe it was a good thing this happened in a messed up kind of way x

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Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 04/02/2018 20:29

Ye hidingtonothing. Some great advice. Our relationship has never been the problem. Its just i wasnt used to not having him there. We are usually inseperable. We've worked together and spent near every hour of the day together and never had a problem. We are truly best friends. I just didnt know what to do when he wasnt around. I dont have any friends really. And neither does he. Its just our unit. I took the wrong turn for sure.

I know we have a lot of talking to do but i dont want to rock the boat by dragging it all up just yet. Its still a bit raw and we are rebuilding. I think we just needed a kick up the arse to make us appreciate eachother again. We're flirting now and its really nice. I know we have something special its just like u said. Life gets in the way. Thankyou for all that youve said. You really have answered a few questions that i had amd unscrambled my brain.

Anyway are you ok in your situation? You said that you get lonely....? X

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Hidingtonothing · 04/02/2018 21:11

I think you're doing exactly the right thing, build closeness again before you tackle the root of the problem, but do tackle it, this definitely sounds like a relationship worth saving Smile

I'm in a really similar boat to you, overall really good relationship with a genuinely decent man who works his arse off for me and DD but is consequently just not here enough! I have PTSD so going out without him is tough for me which means I'm lonely and isolated and spend far too much time on MN Blush

You sound like you have your head screwed on, I'm glad things seem a bit clearer. Here anytime if you need a friendly ear, hope all goes well Flowers

Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 04/02/2018 22:55

Thanks for that. Same to you too. Althought im new to this and dont know how it really works. Only keep finding this thread through advanced searching my name lol x

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Hidingtonothing · 04/02/2018 23:04

Are you on the full site, mobile site or app? I use the mobile site and am more than happy to help you navigate if it helps Smile

Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 04/02/2018 23:50

I think im on the mobile site. Ive looked up the abbreviations (theres a lot) but not sure on anything else x

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Hidingtonothing · 05/02/2018 00:26

You should have a blue bar at the bottom of your screen, one of the options is 'I'm On' and clicking on that will take you into a list of the threads you've started or contributed to. I use that and 'Active' on the blue bar mostly, that takes you into a list of the most recently active threads.

Right at the top of your screen it will say 'Talk', if you click on that it takes you to a list of all the different boards if you want to browse according to subject. It's become a bit of a second home for me, a sort of substitute for having adult company and conversation in RL I suppose Blush

Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 05/02/2018 10:32

Ahhhhh right got it. Ive got a profile on here and inbox and stuff. Silly question i kno but whats that for? I dont see an add friend option or anything x

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Hidingtonothing · 05/02/2018 11:06

No, no 'friends' function but you can private message so that's what your inbox is for. Not sure why we have profiles on here tbh, I've never looked at anyone else's and haven't entered any info on mine Grin If you want to PM there are 2 ways, if it's someone you're talking to on a thread just click on the 3 little dots at the bottom right of their comment and it will give you the option to PM them. Or, if you just know the username, go into inbox and you'll get a different blue bar at the bottom of the screen, click on +message and type their username to PM. Just shout if there's anything else you're not sure of Flowers

Original poster
llWelshDragonll · 05/02/2018 19:39

Thank you sooo much youve been really helpful. How has your day been? X

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