suddenly nothing.

[SueBaroo]

I don't quite know what's happened, but after 6 years of fairly stable and contented marriage, I woke up and realized I don't feel anything more than friendship for DH, and that actually, I never really did fancy him all that much.
We've got four kids together now, youngest is 3 months, and I've devoted the entire time to being a SAHM. I don't have qualifications, as I was at UNI when we met, and I had to jack the course in to become a carer for my mum.
He's a lovely guy, really 'new man' and all that, loves being a Dad, has taken care of me through my disability and works hard to provide for his family. I feel such a bitch to not love him completely.
I know I've pretty much got to suck it up and remember that I made vows to stick to, but I feel like I'm dying inside, trying to be someone I definitely am not.

Anyway, just wanted to write it down somewhere, get it out somewhere it's not going to cause any damage.

Big hugs to you...
Are you sure it isn't fixable? What about counselling, together or alone? Does he even have an inkling? It sounds like you may be depressed, and need someone to really talk to. Why not have a chat to your GP, and they may refer you on?
If this is how you really feel, and nothing can be done. it would not be fair to you or him to carry on like this, as you will both end up unhappy.

SueBaroo, you don't have to just suck it up, and it might help to talk things through here a bit more.
Can you remember what first attracted you to your DH? Do you get any time together with just the two of you?

Thanks for your replies.

We talked a bit in the past few weeks about how I just don't feel like I'm doing anything. I mean, I'm looking after the kids 24/7, Home-edding and trying (and failing) to keep the house tidy. But I've no time to do any of the things I'm good at. I was training to be an actress and dancer, and doing loads of creative writing before I got married, and it's just stopped dead.

Dh encouraged me to do some and then just flew off the handle because it had some sex in it, and he said I was writing porn. We're christians, which makes everything even more complicated, because I've pretty much lost my faith right now. We've been fighting quite a bit recently, obviously we're tired from the baby, (I had a dreadful pregnancy). We were both on the same page for a good long while, and now he's frustrated because I'm not doing the whole submissive wife thing and that's quite hard for him to deal with.

I married him because my Mum had just died, I was about to lose my home, I'd already lost my course, and he took me in. Simple as that. I thought attraction would grow over time, but it's just been friendship. Very close friendship, but still. I've spent most of the time trying to work up sexual attraction, and obviously, it's worked enough for having kids, but that's largely been down to a large amount of fantasy, which I feel really guilty about.

It's my own fault for being so stupid in the first place, and I can't hack up my kids lives just because I made a dumb decision. And I do care about him loads and I don't want to hurt him.

SueBaroo, please talk to someone. Can you discuss it with your HV or GP? Reading your post gives me the feeling you are so sad and down right now, and with such a young baby, it may be PND. You need some time out away from children and household stuff. Have you any friends/family who could have the kids for a bit to give you a rest? Or someone to help with the house? Home-edding and having a small baby must be so tiring for you. It is like doing 2 jobs at once, with none of the pay or status of a teacher and all of the hard work!

Sue can I be bold and suggest it's not DH you don't love per se... but your life, as things stand. You are feeling disatisfied and unfulfilled and that isn't surprising really, nor is it uncommon. You "gave up" one life plan for another, lots of us do it, and a great many of us never look back but probably as many spend varying degrees of time thinking "what if.." about what could have been if we'd made different decisions involving different people and experiences.

Your DH sounds a lovely man but I am not for one moment suggesting you are "wrong" or "bad" to feel the way you do.. just that you need to sit back and take stock of what you are really feeling and why.. without throwing what is very possibly in fact a good marriage on the scrap heap. "A good man is hard to find.." may be a cliche (and have been terribly abused over the years! ) but it's true.

You need to think hard about ways you can make changes to your life; do more, or something, of what you WANT to do and get back a bit of the person you used to be and still are underneath. Both "personas" are you but you have long since got into the habit of neglecting one, for the other. Once you find ways (even small ones) of having some "me" time you will be in a better position to examine your marriage and what you really feel for DH but I don't think should rush this.

Feelings do change and so do people but he is still the same man you were willing to settle down with (even if you feel you did so for security and not a grand passion). He is still the person who has been there and stood by you throughout and no doubt loves you and the children to bits.

No you're right. Thought I was suicidal the other day, but I knew deep down that it wasn't life I wanted to end, just the way this one is going. And that's ridiculous because it's a life loads of people dream of. But I haven't left the house for weeks, and I am quite literally never alone. The only break I get is when Dh takes the oldest three out and I have the baby alone.

I'll be honest, I am terrified that if I pursue that me stuff, Dh won't be nearly so accomodating, and actually he'll get quite cross with me for not pouring everything into the house and kids. Silly really.

Hang on a minute before you take all the blame on yourself. OK so I dont' know you or your life or your DH, but reading your messages from a total outsider's perspective, is it remotely possible that this "lovely" man is actually a bullying, undermining control freak, only he's relatively subtle about it?
Two things ring alarm bells with me: you mentioned that he criticized your writing as "porn" when you clearly didn't think it was, and that he expects you to pour everything of yourself into being a wife and mother. Well, being a wife and mother is not neccessarily a total, fulfilling life (we are in the 21st centure not the 1950s), and it's certainly not impossible or wrong to want to do stuff for yourself, that you enjoy, for at least part of the time.

A bullying undermining control freak eh? You are finding this bloke guilty of something he has yet to do MadameZ.

Maybe you need to have a REALLY good talk to him Sue, explain how you are feeling and how how unhappy you are, from the point of view of life opportunities and give him the chance at least to surprise you. Maybe he will will to HELP you address some changes and perhaps that will help you to feel differently about him.

Sue,I honestly think that even being married to the sexiest man in the world would not override the fact that being stuck in a house all day with four kids is not conducive to good mental health or a happy marriage.

I would sort something out for yourself as a matter of urgency (job,training,volunterring) and then review your fellings for dh. I would even put the children back in regular scholling if this would help you to find some space.
What is more important to them?
Happy parents or home schooling?

Was that shock at agreeing with me Fio??

lol

I don't think moody introspection does anyone any favours.

oh I agree with moondog too

also

Have you really had 4 children in six years? If so, no wonder you're feeling like this. It isn't necessarily permanent. You need to give yourself a break and some "me" time, however possible

Hi SB

Just wanted to echo some of the good advice here. My situation was similar in some ways to yours and I recognise your feelings well although I only had two children not four. (And I am a Christian too, btw, so understand some of the conflicts/confusions of what you must be feeling.)

I became very depressed, and MN helped me out enormously. I had suffered with PND which wasn't properly treated and it spilled over into longer term depression. For me, that meant telling dh that I was feeling depressed. I had made an appointment to see my GP, to ask for anti depressants. My dh was so shocked and more supportive than I could have hoped. I put off going and we worked on practicalities together to give me more space and time and energy.

And you still have a tiny baby. They put a huge strain on your emotions/hormones. It may be wise to talk to your GP, give yourself a break and not make any drastic decisions about your relationship for a little while yet.

I can't begin to imagine how little you time you must get. The advice below is sooo important. Start to get 'you time'. Ask yourself what else makes you happy - even if it is a long soak in the bath - and set your sights on getting those things onto your agenda. It will take a while - not everything you try out will give you freedom, but you do need to start now.

At some stage, I think you should talk to your dh about your writing again, but give yourselves some time first. It's your gift and it would be brilliant if he could respect it and allow you to work, but he clearly has very strong feelings about the subject matter which he is not going to change easily. Do you have a pastor/Christian friend who could read it and chat to you first. A second opinion, with a bit more distance from it, may help him, and you, to see things differently.

Keep on posting too, Hon. You need and deserve all the support you can get, and MN can certainly provide it in bucketsful.

HTH.

really, thanks so much everyone. I was expecting people to tell me to pull myself together.
I did go on a prozac a couple of months back, but it just made me hyper and Dh wanted me to come off it when he found out, because the side-effects were so difficult. I've not got to the docs since because I can't get out of the house on my own and Dh can't have more time off. It's a bloody nightmare.

yeah, four kids in 6 years. We used to have 'Quiverfull' views, which meant no contraception, but my body has been so hammered by the non-stop pregnancies (I've had a few miscarriages too) that even Dh has agreed that we need to say no more.

I think the hard thing is that I bought into this whole ideology of 'patriarch' stuff that was all bound up with my faith, and now I don't really buy that anymore, it's all falling apart.

Oh my goodness Sue.You really have taken a hammering physically and mentally.

I suggest you post as well on the Philosophy/Religion/Spirituality thread.Many Christian MNers use it and could discuss the last point that you made in more depth.

Really sorry you feel down.
I can't see that constant childbearing can make anyone feel great.

I have just googles 'quiverfull' which I had never heard of before.
It sounds like you really need some skilled help. You must be going throguh huge turmoil.

Im not sure that MadameZ is so far off the mark im afraid.

With respect Sue, it sounds as if you are living your life according to your DH's vision of how a family should be, as its not suiting you. I mean, how on earth can you be anything but exhausted home edding your children with a baby in tow! Surely you could have some "maternity leave"?

Is thre a particular reason why your children have to be educated at home, could they not be in school at least until you have had some time to recover your strength, both physical and mental?

I really feel for you. Im not particularly religious, but I can understand the conflict and pressure you must be feeling, especially with your creative spirit being wasted like this.

If your DH really is "new man" he will accept that you need space - not just you and the baby, but you for yourself, to see the Doc, do your own thing, see friends etc. He must have some time at home he could spare for you?

And if your DH is actually a decent man, a good talk with him will help: sometimes the "patriarchal" type of bloke does mean well but just needs it gently but firmly pointing out that women are, in fact, human beings not domestic animals or property.
While I'm not religious, I am pretty sure you will be able to find some MNers who are both Christians and feminists, who may well be able to give you good spiritually-based advice. Good luck.

SueBaroo

Just wanted to post a message of support. I can't believe the strain you are under, home edding your children with a new baby, having suffered several miscarriages too. No wonder you feel empty!

What is your hv like? Is she able to offer any support?

I think that you have done wonderfully having so many children in such a short time, but that your feelings here are a wake up call that you need to change some things in your life and get more support for you. Only then will you be in a position to get back in touch with your feelings and know how you feel about your dh. If you are too tied to four children to even get out to a doctors to look after your own health, then something needs to be done - now.

Keep on posting if it helps you. And do pop over to the Philosophy/Religion/Spirituality thread if that would help too.

Thinking of you.