First guy after ex-husband has left me feeling rubbish

[namechange987]

Me and my husband separated last year after he cheated on me. He has been a completely awful narcissist since then. Hasn't been there for DDs, hasn't paid me anything, has put himself first and his children last. I could go on but it's suffice to say that he has hurt me and them enormously.

I joined tinder and met a great guy but it was chatting only as it was never going to work in reality, however that experience made me realise that I am over my ex. I'm not over what he's done to hurt my children, but I am over him and that's a wonderful realisation.

Then I met another guy on tinder. At first I wasn't that interested but we chatted more and got on really well. We went out. It was great. We slept together. Also great. But then he went quiet. So I said to him that I'm not interested in just sex, I'm not asking for a relationship but I want to have the possibility for it to to somewhere. He said he wasn't in a position to give me what I want right now. But we both agreed that the time we had together was wonderful.

Now, all ties have been cut. But I feel sad about it. And I know it's not because of him, it's because I felt something I never thought I could feel again. But I'm relating that to him and I'm finding it hard to let go. It's silly, it wasn't anything. But it was at the same time.

I don't know if I'm just not ready for dating or if I just need to get back on the saddle and see what else is out there for me.

I don't really have a question, just want a bit of reassurance that I'm not completely crazy and that this is quite normal for being in this situation. Is it? I hope so!

I would suggest not using Tinder, it is primarily for hook ups. I know there are various stories of couples who met on Tinder, but they're the exception. It will only harm your self esteem which is understandably fragile at the moment.

Oh dear. Like many men on tinder, he was just after a shag.

I know I will be judged for saying this, but I don't 'get' the rush to shag on the first date with a stranger. Not if you are 'looking for a relationship.' It cannot end well.

Next time, you need to wait longer before shagging. I would say a MINIMUM of 12 dates (or 1-2 months....) This will sort the wheat from the chaff.

What you’re feeling sounds completely normal - give yourself time to detach from the previous man. He just wanted sex, so there’s no way he was the one for you.

Agree with PP, seek out different dating sites where you can state your approach and check out other peoples too, and then be very protective of yourself. Take things slow.

I think you should definitely avoid tinder.

I'm really sorry you've had this experience but I would have thought Tinder was the worst possible place to look for a guy who was going to put you and your feelings as a priority, it's mainly just for casual sex!

Get off it and onto a website that's more about the relationship you want.

Tinder isn't just for hook ups, it's the same as the other dating sites out there. I understand what you are saying and it's good that you recognise it wasn't about the bloke but about the feelings and hopes of a future relationship.

If you want a relationship rather than something casual take your time to suss them out and see if you're both on the same page. There are good men out there but you do need to sift through the shit. It's hard work!!

People who think tinder is just for sex seem to just make this assumption without any evidence at all (unless they personally went on it just for sex of course). The fact that sex might very possibly arise from two people meeting via tinder or any other dating app is of course high but many many people can say they met their partner or husband on there because that's the facts.

Thanks all.

I agree that tinder isn't just for hookups. It can be if that's what you want. This is why I'm a bit annoyed because me and this guy chatted for a long while before we went out and we both said we wanted the possibility of something more. We spoke about previous relationships and what we'd both want for a future relationships. How he wasn't put off by me having children and how, down the line, if the relationship was good he could have a relationship with them. It wasn't just a hook up. At least I was lead to believe it wasn't. Of course, he could have just told me what I wanted to hear to get me in to bed. I don't regret it though. It was good for me to see that not all men were like my ex in bed (disrespectful) and also good for me to realise what I do and don't want. I suspect it always would have been this way with the first person after my ex, and probably a good thing that it was just a one off and I didn't become too attached.

Anyway. I'm continuing swiping and I've joined Bumble too. I'll just be more cautious with my emotions now.

You felt the connection and wanted to take it further. He perhaps didn't feel it as strongly and didn't want more dates with you, even though he might have been telling the truth and is looking for a longer term thing. That isn't a reflection on you though. It just means that he wasn't the right guy for you. That's what dating is for. Don't let it put you off though.

Each to their own but I honestly hate loads of chat before meeting face to face. You can be whoever you want to be online and say anything. I prefer to meet for a coffee, daytime, pretty early on. You get a gut feel for someone quickly!

I think it's great that you've learned that you are now over your ex. There are many people on here who are in the position you were in last year, and I think your post gives hope that you can move on.

It's a tricky thing dating, it's absolutely important that dates know you are not interested in casual sex, but also difficult to know, if the person you're dating, is long term relationship material, only time will tell on that one. It is better this new guy exiting, than starting a relationship with him that will not stand the test of time and more heartache down the line.

I think you need a bit more time to yourself before dating. It's a fickle world for on line daters. I met my lovely DP on POF but had previously met awful men and I'm in my 50's. Whatever age you are, on line dating can be brutal. Give yourself time 😊

OP - this guy didn’t exactly ‘leave’ you, did he?
You chatted, there was some connection, you slept together. And then it didn’t progress.

I think the issue is more you, rather than him. You went into this all with expectations, and build them up based on a dream, on on-line chats.
One can’t do that if you are OLD. You need to pace yourself, no matter how good it all might sound.
Mind and general intention is one thing. Actual human chemistry is another.

It’s unlikely he was just looking for once-off sex. Chatting this long is too much effort for that. There are easier and quicker options.
So - more likely that he is just not ready, or doesn’t want it with the actual live you that he met.

OLD is a numbers game. You’ll meet men that sound great but then you won’t like them in real life. It’s OK.

This isn’t a bad first experience. You were unlikely to move on to ‘happily ever after’ with the first man you met on Tinder after your breakup.

🤞🤞🤞 for your next experinces!!!!

The thing is, a man can say he wants a relationship...but that doesn’t necessarily mean he will want one with you.

This is your chance to clarify in your own mind exactly what you are looking for.

I didn't mean that he "left" me. I meant that the experience has left me feeling rubbish.

I think I needed this little debrief to make sense of it all and my own feelings about what I want going forward. I'm already feeling more detached from him and the situation so that's a good thing. Thanks everyone.

Tinder can be good for a boost of self esteem, but only if you are looking for a boost on top of a solid foundation. If you don't have that foundation, the transient nature of talking to one person, and then maybe moving on, maybe moving on again, can rock you unpleasantly.

I don't recommend giving it up, but I would avoid sleeping with anyone you meet. Sleeping with someone can trigger a bonding mechanism that may mess with your head. Use it for fun for now: for flirty conversation over drinks.

It's very true what they say that you meet someone when you are not looking for them. Often, that means you are only ready for a relationship when you can comfortably live without one.

All it takes to be comfortable being single is time. Focus on yourself. It's exciting to be your own master, actually. Think of the things you love most and do them more.