Do you think what she said would raise concerns?

[duskmum]

Me and some girls from work went out for a few drinks and food last night, was a good night. I know most of the other girls well but theres one other girl who started almost a year ago now when i was on maternity. She seems lovely and a nice girl. We were chatting last night and some of the things she was saying about her other half concerned me. Some of the other girls made some comments such as 'thats a bit over the top'.

So some examples were:

She told her DP that she would be back by a certain time but we ran over that time. Queue a phone call from her DP asking where she was, as it was past this time. She explained she didnt have a key as she said she would be back by this time. After the call she said she would get it in the ear from him now all night and wont get much sleep.

Next was she was saying how she didnt get much sleep one night in the week, i asked why. She said it was because she was so worked up about something but didnt want to tell me what. She then said her DP didnt want to leave her and have a shower etc as he hates seeing her in such a state.

We were then talking about something else and she said when she started at her old job she didnt text her DP to let him know she had arrived safely. She said she had 30 odd missed calls from him, then he rang head office and lost him temper with the woman as she didnt know what office the girl worked in.

Then she said she had told her DP who she was out with as he likes to know who shes with and he said the people she was out with seemed ok.

She also mentioned she doesnt have many friends and her friends are his friends gfs.

Now i could be reading into all this but i've come from quite a few controlling/abusive relationships and from what shes said i feel a bit uneasy. Red flags are waving in my face. Other people might not have picked up on it, but like i said some of the other girls did say oh thats a bit much. Not sure what to do. Maybe befriend her and be an ear to listen to if she needs it? I just feel a bit sorry for her.

Was she talking as though it's all a problem for her, is she happy?

Red flags, definitely, and I suspect she is sounding others out as to whether that is normal/reasonable behaviour. Maybe you could speak to her privately, say you were worried about what she said, say why.

When she mentioned it she would then make an excuse for him then end up blaming herself and saying she had done something wrong

Sounds like an unhealthy relationship but as just a colleague what were you hoping to do? I have a colleague in a similar unhealthy relationship but as I don’t want to affect our working relationship when she tells me about her husbands behaviour I just nod and make polite noises.

Yes I'd say there are definite red flags op.
She has a curfew and no key? Bloody hell, if he was her father and she was 14 then maybe but a fully grown woman and her partner, that's not right.
How old is she and how old are the other colleagues? It sounds like you have more life experience and are able to recognise the signs of a controlling relationship.
When I was a lot younger I worked with a woman who's DH was like this and he also made her wear a vest top underneath her blouse so her bra didn't show. I used to think 'Well that's odd' but never really connected the dots. I'm not sure what I'd do now except support her and be there if she needed to talk. I don't think you can change anything until she's at the point where she's ready.
I'm sure much wiser mumsnetters will be along soon to give more useful advice.

That sounds sad. I agree to the befriending her and maybe in time she will confide more. I think the fact she is mentioning little snippets when out with you all enjoying herself probably means she's realise g herself it's not the norm.

All you can do is be there as a listening ear and next time the opportunity arises maybe mention that you were once in very controlling relationships and how much happier you are now?

So danger because she's a work friend you think I should turn my head? I was just thinking of being an ear to listen to if needed really.

stella she said she didn't take a key because she told him what time she would be back and so he would wait up for her. She's the youngest at 23. I'm the second oldest at 27 and the other girls are in between. I don't know why she would say these things. Maybe she's trying to gage what others think. She's getting married to him this year. That's when she asked for help with her hen due and then said she Doesnt have very many friends.

Yea I maybe get to know her better and mention my past and may be she might relate some things I say to her life. Obviously you can't force someone to see but I know when I was younger no one was there for me and I felt so lonely and isolated.

Chat to her, I used to mention rob the odd trusted friend issues I had but generally played them down because, well I couldn't see it for what it was. I loved him, I wanted to stay together. A few friends have said since I left they remembered me taking about it (after wine usually), them I'd not mention it again for ages so they've assumed things were ok. Some of the time it was some was horrible. I thought it wasn't normal. People don't like to say much because They don't want to encourage a break up as such. But I'd have benefitted from more advice earlier on but I guess I blocked it. She sounds like she's trying to see the light.

OH And sometimes the people I confided in weren't that close always, but I liked to talk to people if they didn't know him. So it wouldn't get back to him iykwim.

Yea I see what you mean. Being work friends and her saying her friends are his friends she prob felt like she could open up more to us. I just feel sorry for her because I've been there before and I used to minimise it so much.

Her saying she doesn't have many friends and those that she does have are his friend's gfs sounds like he could be isolating her and only 'allowing' friends he's approved.
I think you're right that by her talking about the situation she's testing the waters to see if others find his behaviour normal.
Going out without a key purely because your bf has checked what time you'll be in and will wait up for you does not sit right with me. Maybe she's using that as an excuse/reason to get home for the curfew so you'll all feel it's perfectly reasonable for her to go just when you're all starting to have fun.

I don't think you're reading too much into this op.

She seemed quite panicked when the time had passed that she told him. And I know how she feels because I used to panic too and think oh god he's going to be questioning me.

I also did think Stella that maybe she was being isolated.

At work she is quite quiet and seems uptight. She only really talks about sport. But on the night out she seemed so much more relaxed and really lovely. I really feel for her.

Think im going to speak to her at work and casually drop into conversation 'oh how was DP, did you get into the house ok'. Just see what she says. Any other suggestions on what i could drop into conversation to see what she says?

I think your ideas are plenty for now otherwise you'll run the risk of her feeling that you're badgering her about the situation.
I'd also try and used open questions as in 'How was your DP?' but I'd rephrase 'Did you get into the house ok?' as it lends itself to an 'Yes, fine' type of answer and the conversation is easily shut down.