Husband's food addiction

[Gemimapuddlestuck]

Having grown up with a sister with a serious food addiction, I can see that DH is also addicted to high salt/high sugar food. When we met he was slightly over weight, nothing at all off putting and a few months into our relationship, I discovered that He had recently lost around 5 stone, mainly due to stress at work and not eating properly. His mother was very negative about his weight loss privately to me and told me it would not last, I thought it was mean of her to say this.

We married etc and had a son and the weight creeped back on. He had almost pretended to opt for and like healthy foods for the first couple of years together and then he became comfortable and relaxed his healthier eating.

7 years on, he basically eats stodgy carbohydrates and not a lot else and has piled a lot of weight back on. Having been slim when I met DH and always have been, I'm embarrassed that this has also affected me and I have also ballooned in weight for the first time in my life. I find myself eating biscuits before DH gets the chance to find them and devour them all, I hide food from him so that I get the chance to eat some before he consumes the lot. Things like chocolate and biscuits. I don't buy a lot of these things, but have always had things in just incase I 'fancy' them, however they're often gone before I get the chance, so I find myself scoffing regardless as DH will eat and eat and eat them until theyre all gone.
I genuinely feel his own unhealthy relationship with food has rubbed off on me. I am concerned for my son who will see Daddy fill his plate with stodgy carbs and not much else when we eat out. He always orders chips. I really try to model better eating with my meals, I eat lots of fruit and vegetables particularly with my son, but I feel I'm fighting a losing battle when DH models such different behaviour.

How can I prevent DH's unhealthy relationship with food from impacting on us all? I cook healthy meals but he will cook himself extra garlic bread or extra potatoes to go with it. I will make salad for lunch but he will come home with a shop bought chunky loaf on the side. And if DH has it, DS also wants it. And, there's also the temptation for me! What can I do to improve this?

I think you need to take personal responsibility for your own eating habits and not blame your husband. You're an adult and make your own choices. You cannot control what he does, but you can control what you do.

As soon as you accept personal responsibility for yourself, you'll be able to manage your eating better.

As much as I agree Bluntness, this is often easier said than done. As the saying goes "we are who we walk with..." If I can find a way to avoid the impact it's having on me, brilliant. But I think it's natural that you rub off on each other in relationships. It's difficult to step back.

I agree it's not easy. But I stand by it, you cannot control what he does. You can only control your self. You don't have to binge and secretly eat. You need to take responsibility and stop blaming him. Whilst you're blaming him your behaviour will continue.

Nothing wrong with carbs, it’s about overall calorie’s and activity.
Most men that I know are not satisfies with a salad no matter how many nuts and dried cranberries or Feta you add in.
If he had more lean meat would his need for bread be decreased.
Your issues are yours and you might need to soul search why you want to eat the goodies first? Healthier treats that you label just for you?

He does very little activity aroundtheblock.

He does not particularly like lean meat either aroundtheblock. He mainly consumes bread and potatoes.

Again, your focus is completely on your husband and his faults,

You cannot believe that unless he eats properly you will be also unable to?

How many couples do you see where one is overweight and the other a healthy weight? Plenty. It's far more common than seeing two overweight people.

What we consume and how much of it is a personal responsibility and always will be. You are not a victim.

I was merely responding to aroundtheblock's questions and suggestions Bluntness. We have established that I need to take responsibility for myself, I get this. There is still an issue with DH's relationship with food however and the example that is being set for DS. And also, the impact on our intimacy and DH's self esteem. He is very low about his appearance, he won't take DS swimming and he struggles with intimacy hugely. So it does need to be addressed as it's impacting on everything.

Would appreciate other suggestions from other posters.

Swop white carbs for brown would be a little better. I like hairy biker diet cookbooks because it's normal food and looks like full calorie food, not a plate of beans and pulses. If you're serious then no snacks in house, regardless of whether you might fancy some, cos that some is morphing into all.

Does he have a fitness watch, smart scale, iPhone with MFP app? Has he discussed his overall health with his GP, would a consult with the dietician help?
In this day and age this is very basic stuff, what help are you looking for? Meal plans?
What’s his height and weight....

What happens if you say "these are my snacks. These are your snacks. Please don't eat mine"?

All you can do is take responsibility for your own behaviour. Think about your future and ask yourself if you want to live the life of an obese person with all of the health problems that inevitably come along with it. Is this the example you want to set for your child? I don't think it is.

Stop eating garbage, stop buying garbage food, and stop blaming your husband for your weight gain. If you don't buy junk food you can't eat it. It really IS that simple. What your husband eats or chooses to buy for food is not your responsibility. Take control and get back on track.

Good heavens OP. You have put on weight because of YOU. Not because of your DJ.

You need to get your head around that before even thinking about next steps.

The DH

Have you tried talking to him? Explaining your concern re DS

As for what you can practically do. Stop buying shit.

I think not buying any junk for the house is probably the best way forward. We both love chocolate, it's doing us no good. If I want it as a treat, I can always buy one bar when I'm out can't I. I've tried buying him a fit bit, buy he says he's not interested, he borrowed mine for a short time and then said he wasn't much for it. He does not like wholegrains, will not eat wholemeal bread or pasta, I prefer them (although to be fair, I could just stop buying the white stuff for him.) He will not attend the GP surgery, although when we swapped surgeries, we had an initial health assessment. Luckily, I was fine however DH had high blood pressure. He often says he "can't help" his eating habits. His parents were also very big and he was raised eating a high carb, high processed diet with very little lean meat and vegetables or fruits. So it's like a whole re-education on food that he needs to change his habits.

This is such a phenomenally difficult thing to try to address, Gemima and your MIL was doing you a favour by tipping you off as you've now seen for yourself.

I'd suggest telling him that he needs professional help (he does) but if he won't do that then you're sunk really. Your own health is starting to suffer because of your husband's eating habits and your son's health is also at risk because of this.

I don't think you'll be able to address your husband's food addiction other than to tell him categorically that:

• He has a responsibility to his son and if he wants to eat himself to death he won't do it in front of him so no extra cooking of crap.

• Ditto eating out - he has to model healthy eating for his son so that means vegetables and salads to balance out stodgy carbs.

• He's allowed his fair share of 'treats' and no more. He can't eat more than that - ever. If he buys more and eats them in the car then you can't stop him but he has to model sharing as a family.

.
I'd probably be preparing my Plan B now which would be a life away from my husband as there's no way I'd want to live like this and unless he gets help, he will carry on - and take you and your son with him.

Sorry, it's crap.

I do understand what you are saying about your dh influencing your choices OP. I have similar with DP, tho more focused on drink than food.

But DP does prefer unhealthy food rather than healthier choices. I can't and wouldn't tell him what he can and can't eat. But as I do the.food shopping and most of the cooking I do make healthy choices for us at home. If dp doesn't like what I am cooking he would have make something different.

We only have brown bread, wholegrain cereals and I don't buy many snacks or treats. Some the dcs like, maybe 1 packet of grown up biscuits and 1 dessert each week. Anything else he would have to go and buy it.

Just make healthy choices for you and ds. In the same way your dhs choices are impacting on you, you making healthier choices for yourself might influence him.

He has always had very low body image. When I met him, he was a little over weight but certainly nothing for him to be embarrassed about but he acted as though he was enormous. He would not let me see him naked, kept his shirt on the whole time around the pool on our first holiday together. He really has deep-seated issues around food and his body. I just don't know what I can do to help him as I really don't want it running off on DS or any other DCS we have.

I feel for you on this OP, it's tricky. My DH was also slimmer when we met than he is now and is all about the white carbs. I'll make us a healthy dinner and he will add a white bread sandwich on the side. If we eat out he will always want pasta or a burger. I find it exasperating, as like you I want to model healthy eating habits to my young DS.

With hiding food, it's not ideal but I can see why you do it. Can you designate a private cupboard or shelf in the kitchen, and agree it with him that it's yours, so that you can just have something occasionally when you fancy it, rather than quickly eat more of it than you usually would because you're worried that otherwise you won't get any! Of would he just not be able to resist?

I've just read this short thread now and am utterly baffled why posters are saying what they are. This isn't just about your husband's weight, it's about his behaviour that he's modelling for his son!

Sneak the veggies in; roasted eggplant with the pasta, cabbage in with the mashed potato, mandatory leaf of lettuce in the sandwich. What lean meats have you tried? A ham shank with the obvious fat removed is quite low calorie and would satisfy his salt craving.
Evening walk?

I agree with Bluntness and Aquamarine.

My DH is exactly like yours OP. I have come to realise it's down to him to change his own bad eating habits. However I've become more proactive in trying to encourage the DC, I've overhauled their (and my own) diet and I encourage them to participate in more physical activities after school and have joined the gym myself, so as to "lead by example".

The DC have really embraced our new healthy lifestyle. Also, I have noticed that DH has been making some small changes to his diet himself which I believe has been inspired by the changes myself and the DC have made.

Tell your husband TODAY that you are resolved to change your life. You will no longer be an accomplice to him eating himself to death. If he wants to stuff his face with garbage, he will have to buy that garbage for himself. Tell him his weight and his attitude are ruining your marriage, because it's true. He can decide to change or not, but you are getting yourself in order, with or without him.